


Joy Ride

by nerdygal



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Car Racing, Angst, Drinking, Fluff, Humor, Love, M/M, Minor Character Death, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-10
Updated: 2014-07-30
Packaged: 2018-02-04 02:45:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 54,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1763283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdygal/pseuds/nerdygal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin loved to race, it's in his blood. Problem was his father had raced too and died several years ago leaving a legacy for his son that no one wanted to see him pick up. He does anyway, in secret. What happens when the secret becomes to much and it begins to hinder Merlin's life and his everyday wants?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Begining

**Author's Note:**

> So, after some consideration and the need for comments and feedback like the desperate writer that I am, I have decided to post this fic on this site as well. I have posted it on another website, so if you feel like you've read it before, you might have. This is un-betad because I never found the drive to go and find one and maybe it would have been a good idea but I didn't get around to it. Go ahead and add lazy beside desperate if you wish. I will be going back through each chapter though and doing a bit of editing myself so there's that. Moving on, this was my first big and thought out fic that made it past notes on my phone and I realize that some of the characters might be OOC and if they are and you have a problem with it, I'm sorry but this how it came out. I'll stop my yammering and just let you read it and maybe tell me what you think and anything I can work on.

He loved it. The push and pull of the engine. The worn leather under his hands as he gripped the steering wheel with expert ease. The groan that turned into a purr as he switched gears without a second thought. The sharp shift of sliding to the side at sharp turns, the jostling against the tight seat belt. The smell of brunt rubber, the sound of engines humming with power, the adrenaline coursing through his veins as he moved faster and faster. This was racing. This was addicting. This is what he lived for. No one knew, not even his mother. He never showed his face during or after a race. He never made a slip up. He lied through his teeth, day after day, but it was better this way. This way, no one would worry that he was too fragile for such a dangerous thing as racing. Nor would they worry that he too, would face an untimely death in this sport like his father; the racing champion Balinor Ambrosias who had died in a fatal crash out on the track. It was exactly how he liked it. Yes, this part of his life was hidden in shadows, but he couldn't, wouldn't, give up this part of his life because he loved it. It was in his blood. He got to that high that was enough to make it all okay. The rush that pushed him over the edge, that made his eyes light up in intense enjoyment, the feeling of being on top of the world for just an hour or two with all that power at his fingertips was enough to keep him steady when he was enough back down to earth and forced to lie some more and lock away his love.

This was the true him, the true Merlin. The Merlin he was at heart, the Merlin he knows his father would be proud of. Merlin Ambrosias, the young man who has stepped so fully in his father's shoes. This was the Merlin he locked away so that his mother wouldn't worry, so that his friends wouldn't spend their lives biting their fingers. To avoid the worried looks and nervous feelings, Merlin locked it all away to make their lives easier.

With a heavy sigh, Merlin pulled the keys out of the ignition, leaning his helmeted head back against the seat.

"Good job, today, mate." Gwanie. He knew. He was the only one who knew. He was the only who privy to such information because he had met Merlin to experience race, not Merlin the poor boy would could not handle some things and had lost his father to a terrible accident. He was Merlin's Crew Chief and Merlin's only friend who knew. Merlin had meet Gwaine on the job and he eventually turned into one of Merlin's friends.

"Thanks." Merlin replied with yet another heavy sigh. He pulled himself out of the dark blue car, the color matching his eyes. He pulled his helmet off, causing his raven black hair to stand up. Merlin was a wiry young man, all bones and no meat. At least that's how he looked with the black hair, the dark blue knowing eyes, the high, sharp-enough-to-cut cheekbones, and the impossibly large ears. Merlin was deceptively strong though and could hold himself pretty well, he did train to put some meat on his bones in order to avoid easier injuries while racing. It only did so much though. 

"Why don't you just tell them?" Gwaine asked, knowing what was bothering the young man. While Merlin was thin and it looked like a strong wind could blow him over, Gwaine was stockier, more muscled, with long dark hair and a smile that could melt anyone. He walked around with a sense of confidence one acquired knowing he made all the panties dropped of both men and women.

"You know why, Gwaine. It's better this way, even if it is torture sometimes. Mom would worry herself to death. Lance and Gwen would be the second set of parents I don't need. Morgana would give the cold stare until you crumbled to her will. Percival and Leon, should I continue?" Merlin asked, running a gloved hand through his hair as he faced Gwanie who gave a small, sad smile at his friend.

"I know, I know. But if they saw you out there on the track," He gave a whistle of appreciation, feeling it was unnecessary to continue with his sentence. Merlin shook his head.

"Doesn't matter. All they'll see is my father crashing and dying over and over again. I can't handle that right now." Gwanie just nodded, throwing an arm around the thin man's shoulders as they walked off the practice track Merlin had. Well, it was Merlin's but it wasn't under his name. No, technically the racer who owned the blue car was Emrys. The racer who had appeared about five years ago, as soon as Merlin had turned eighteen, and quite amazingly took the cup. He won almost all his races, he had all the fans, but no one knew what he looked like. He never showed his face, never talked on radios, never did interviews. He was a mystery. A mystery winner who had everyone cheering him on. 

It wasn't the fans that spurred Merlin on, or the money, or the winning. It was the racing. The feeling of sitting behind a wheel and holding all that power that made Merlin want to race. Not to mention that it was the legacy his father had left him and Merlin was quite proud of it.

"Come on, Gwaine. I need a good night's sleep and I need to visit his grave." Merlin said, as he began to unzip his suit, the one all racers were required to wear, In a hurry to get changed and slip back into his simple facade of a life. Gwaine chuckled as he helped Merlin get ready.

"We have an early flight tomorrow boys. Don't be too reckless tonight and please no drinking; I need you both sober for the race on Saturday. " Kilgaraha, Merlin's manager and racing agent stated. He was an older man but that didn't mean he was one to cross. He may look old but he was smart and put Merlin's safety and well-being before everything else. He also kept Merlin in line and held his identity close to his heart. Kilgaraha had represented Merlin's father as well and it only seemed right to do the same for the son.

"Will do." Merlin said with a small smile as he zipped up his jeans. After years of being rushed to change and hurried out of places to keep his secret intact, Merlin had learned to dress quickly and without modesty and it wasn't like the man who was his godfather hadn't seen the boy in just his underwear before nor was it like that for Gwaine. The old man gave a nod, before placing a hand on the twenty-three year old's shoulder.

"Your father would be proud of you." He said before turning and walking away, phone to his ear as he was planning everything for Merlin for this coming weekend. Merlin smiled wistfully and hoped it was true. He only wished his father was there to see him and say that himself. Merlin fingered the chain he wore around his neck, the one the held his father's racing ring, for a few moments before looking back up at Gwaine.

"Come on. The sooner we get to his grave, the sooner you can go get drunk and I can sleep." Merlin said quietly, giving a dry laugh at the expression of mock hurt crossed Gwaine's face. Gwaine knew that going to Balinor's grave calmed Merlin's nerves and the promise to win or at the very least come back seemed to quell any fears the young man might have had at an upcoming race. It also gave him the feeling that his father was there watching over his son.

"Let's go. I'm in a heavy need of a drink just looking at your forlorn face." Gwaine joked throwing an arm around Merlin's shoulders yet again as he led them out of the building.

~

Merlin turned up the collar of his jacket in a futile attempt to stop the cold. Gwaine had dropped him off a few moments ago at his request, he decided to walk home, just like he did before every race. Merlin missed his father, more than he could ever express. He wore his father's ring, he worked with is father's agent, he raced in the same manner he did, he got a dragon tattoo that wrapped around his wrist and hand in memory of his late father.

Heaving a heavy sigh, Merlin placed a bundle of dragon flowers on his fathers grave. Dragons has always been their thing. It what the bedtime stories Balinor told Merlin about late into the night, it was the name they had given their cars, it was the tattoos they both had. It was what made them, them; father and son. Merlin threaded a hand through his now wet hair, standing still, as rain started to fall. It always seemed to rain whenever Merlin visited to race; he took it as a good sign. We always won when it rained during his visits, like his father's blessing.

"I miss you dad. I miss you being with mom and racing and just everything. I wish that you were still here, that you could tell me yourself that you were proud of me. That you would tell me to continue racing and winning because it's in my blood and it's what I'll always do. I wish you were here to make it okay with mom, and everyone. I just wish you hadn't gone, at the very least not like that. Never like that." It was a speech, one Merlin gave every time he visited his father whether it be before a race or when Merlin was confused and at a loss of what to do, he always came to see his father and he always said the same thing before going on to say whatever it is he wanted to that particular time.

"I race the European Standard in a few days. Your favorite track. I remember you placing me in the front seat with you, going at least ninety miles an hour around those corners. I remember you laughing and smile, and I remember laughing and smiling with you. Then mom got all upset because she was worried but happy when she saw us. That was the last time you raced that track before moving to the America cicrcuit."He gave a small smile, at the memory. "I hope to make you proud and win. I've decided something else to, dad. After this season, when I win, I'm gonna tell everyone. I'm sick of hiding, I love it. I do. It's not just me trying to make up for the loss of my father, it's what I love, what I've always loved and I can't hide that anymore. I need them to know, to understand. Gwaine is helpful and all, but even he isn't enough. Maybe, maybe after I tell them, everything will be okay. Maybe Mom'll smile some more and everyone will stop tiptoeing around the subject of you and your legacy. And Arthur. Well, you know." Merlin gave a shaky laugh.  
He fished out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Placing one loosely between his lips, Merlin flicked the lighter, inhaling deeply as he took the first draw, a slight tension leaving his shoulders as he closed his eyes in ecstasy. He ignored the sound of a car coming to a halt outside the cemetery, the closing of a car door, the sound of footsteps in the wet grass and the rain hitting a leather jacket. Instead Merlin just drew in nicotine and smoke, allowing himself a few moments of silence, bliss created by speaking his mind and lighting up a cancer stick.

"Thought you were going to quit." It wasn't a question, a statement really. Arthur. Merlin opened his eyes lazily to see his best friend, Arthur Pendragon, at his side, shoulders hunched against the cold, an accusatory look on his face. Merlin shrugged taking a large drag before tossing it to the ground and stomping it out for good measure.

"You really should quit, Merlin." Merlin didn't say anything, he never did anymore. This was a conversation they had many times, every time Merlin lit up a cigarette and Arthur was able to see. He glanced over at Arthur, who stared down at Balinor's black, shiny headstone a sorrowful gaze easily seen. This was Arthur, the Arthur. The blonde, ice blue eyed man who while shorter and thicker than Merlin had stolen his heart after growing up together and years of friendship. This man, the one who stood beside Merlin at every opportunity, who was arrogant, slightly entitled, cocky, and rude but still kind, caring, and thoughtful, that made Merlin want to spill everything all at once, was the one who always made him stop.

Merlin had known Arthur for as long as he could remember. They had grown up together, sitting on the sidelines of race track after race track, while their father's raced or practiced. While Balinor Amrbosias had been a champion racer, Uther Pendragon had been one as well, and Balinor's childhood friend. Merlin never really knew when he fell for his best friend but he never acted on those feelings, even when Arthur reciprocated them, because he couldn't be with Arthur the way they both wanted when all he did was lie to him, time and time again. He lied every day and that was not something Merlin could have in a relationship, no matter how much he craved it.

"I miss him too." Arthur whispered. "He was like my second dad. I can't believe he's gone." The grief in his voice was enough to pierce deep within Merlin's heart. Balinor's death had hit everyone hard and after almost ten years, it still hurt.

"We all do." Merlin told him, allowing the larger man to pull Merlin in a tight embrace. Merlin wrapped his gangly seeming arms around Arthur while the blonde pressed his head into Merlin's neck. "We all do." he repeated allowing his eyes to close for just a moment before pulling away from the embrace even though he wanted nothing better than to stay there forever.

"You shouldn't be out here, you have a race next week and you get sicker easier than I do." Merlin said, holding his friend at arms length. Another barrier for the two of them. While Merlin followed in his father's footsteps, proudly but in the shadows, Arthur did the same but out in the full view of everyone. Merlin made sure to never race in the same ones as Arthur, preferring European tracks and races to the American ones Arthur competed in so that their paths never crossed. At times it hurt, Merlin loved American tracks and while he paid to use them privately he never actually raced on them; bad memories were with some and too many chances to slip up on. 

Plus, this way he was able to cheer on Arthur without feeling bitter at losing. Arthur was probably the best racer on the western hemisphere while Merlin was considered to be the best on the eastern hemisphere.  
Arthur nodded, allowing Merlin to lead him back to his car, a sleek black doge challenger that held enough horsepower and torque to satisfy a racer's thirst for speed. "You'll be there, right?" Arthur asked, hopeful. Merlin gave a cheeky grin.

"No, I'm going to miss it just because you're in it. Of course I'm gonna be there, clotpole." Arthur chuckled opening the car door, motioning for Merlin to do the same on the other side. "No thanks, I'm gonna walk home tonight." Arthur frowned.

"But it's raining." Merlin shrugged.

"It doesn't bother me much. Plus I've got a flight tomorrow morning, Kilgharrah is sending me and Gwaine across the pond to do some scoping on European drivers."

"Fine, but if you get sick, idiot, you can only blame yourself." Merlin gave a small smile before turning on his heel, stuffing his hands in his jacket, and heading down the street. other reason Merlin wanted to walk home was that he always did, another part of his pre-race ritual.

~

Arthur watched from within the warmth of his car as Merlin walked away from him, eyes downcast, head low, as though deep in thought. Arthur pinned after Merlin like no other, it was an obvious fact that everyone knew but it still stung Arthur when Merlin did things like refuse to go out with him, refuse to be with him, and simpler things like let Arthur drive him home in the rain. He never really understood why Merlin always declined, it was like he was hiding something. Merlin had acquired a shifty look a few years ago and it had stayed with him as years passed and the two of them changed from teenagers to men. One day Arthur hoped to get Merlin to agree to go out with him, to be with him, and to accept the car ride home in the rain. Maybe one day.


	2. The Incident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here's the next chapter. I hope you guys like it and any feedback (correction of typos included) is greatly appreciated and I am still that kinda lazy writer who is desperate for feedback.

Merlin rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, as he and Gwaine stood at the small, easy to miss, airport waiting for Kilgarrah and Emrys' private jet to take them to Europe.

"Why do we have to leave so early?" Gwaine whined, leaning against the slighter man, holding a hand over his eyes to block out the sunlight that was beginning to peek out over the horizon.

"Because it's a long flight, you drunk. You have everything, don't you?" Merlin questioned, leaning into him to stop from being pushed over.

"Yeah. Yeah. Packed it all before I went to the bar. You act like Princess sometimes, ya know that?" Gwaine stated, hand still covering his eyes. 'Princess' just happened to be the nickname Gwaine gave Arthur because he got very needy in a sense before a race and seemed unable to do anything himself but complain and bark out orders.

"Oh shut it. I just don't want to forget anything. Can't afford a slip up." Merlin stated, as he stifled a yawn behind his head. Anyone who saw them would think the two men were a couple by the way they acted around one another and touched so easily and intimately such ease, but they weren't. At least not anymore. At one point in their acquaintance before moving to strictly friendship the two were more than friends but less than boyfriends. 

While Merlin only really held Arthur in that one place in his heart, though he attempted to deny it, Merlin hadn't been one to refuse his urges during the lonely times where he denied himself from being with Arthur. Gwaine had been the one there to help him through those times, giving them a strictly sex relationship that ended almost as soon as it begun. The reason Merlin was always gave himself when he reflected on it and pain started to strike to close to his sealed off heart was that he didn't want to be with Arthur while lying but that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy the company of another man in the meantime while he worked, albeit lazily, on correcting the matter and it wasn't like Arthur hadn't done the same. Needless to say, their relationship was an odd and occasionally strained one that almost seemed masochistic at times to both parties. 

"Come on. The plane's here." Gwaine groaned, but followed Merlin as he led the way, meeting Kilgarrah along the way, boarding the plane quietly with his head down low to stop people from being able to view his face. Once safely inside the plane, he plopped down in a large chair, stretching out his legs. He titled his head back listening to Kilgarrah go over their plans that would jump into actions as soon as they touched ground in Europe. He reminded Merlin that he had to be dressed in his suit and helmet before leaving the plane if he wanted to stay hidden and Gwaine was required to wear a hat and keep his head low.

"We've gone over this several times before, can you just let me sleep?" Merlin asked, snappy from being tired. The old man just chuckled before tossing his godson a blanket, telling him to just sleep already. Merlin gave a tired smile, head back and eyes closed as he settled into a more comfortable position.

~

Arthur sat in his leaving room Friday night, well it was more like a penthouse on the inside of a mansion, watching the racers arrive for the European Standard on what was Saturday morning for them. He was waiting for one driver in particular, Emrys. Emrys was an amazing driver, using techniques and trained movements in riskier situations only to come out with a win in the end. Emrys had only lost a handful of times and that was a possible reason as to why he piqued Arthur's interest. The American racer in European races who was one of the best, if not the best, possibly better than Arthur himself and Arthur was a champion and seasoned racer.

So Arthur had sort of a man crush on Emrys, but he had never met the man in person, outside of the one time he was at a race and got close. Emrys' identity was a well kept secret that only a handful of people knew and those who did weren't willing to spill the beans on what he looked like, what his real name was, what he liked, etc. Arthur had tried asking Gwaine and Merlin about him because the two had both met him (Gwaine boasting at sleeping with the skilled man) but didn't get anything out of them; he has also asked Kilgarrah, but the man only spoke in riddles, telling Arthur he would know who Emrys was when he was ready to reveal himself to the world.

Watching Emrys lave his plane, dressed in a dark blue skin-tight racing suit that Arthur couldn't help but compare to Merlin's blue eyes, with his helmet already on. What Arthur would have given to see under that helmet for just a moment. Arthur found that he couldn't look away. There was just something about Emrys that striked Arthur as so familiar but he couldn't quite put his finger onto why or how. He'd know if he met Emrys, wouldn't he?

~

"Take care of my necklace." Merlin said, handing Gwaine the chain he wore his father's ring on. "I figure it'll be safer with you than with me out there." Gwaine nodded, holding the ring tightly before putting it in his pocket, patting it twice.

"You ready for this?" Gwaine questioned as he put on his headset and Merlin climbed into the blue car.

"More than ready." Merlin replied. To some, he might have sounded cocky, but Merlin knew how to win and more importantly, he knew how to drive. This race was his, the track was named after Balinor in his honor and there was no way he was going to let someone else win on his father's track.

"Don't do anything stupid and watch out for number nine. I don't like the way he's eying you.' Gwaine said as he retreated to his chair as crew chief.

Merlin gave number nine and look over, smirking when he realized it was Cenred. "Don't worry about Cenred; he's all bark and no bite." Merlin stated resting his hands against the worn steering wheel.

There was a noticeable change in Merlin and the air around him as he sat in the car and relaxed further into his seat. He was no longer a clumsy idiot, true he was still clumsy but it didn't affect him when he drove. Merlin looked down at the track, going over it in his mind, remembering where the sharp turns were and where he'll make his moves to slingshot past others and where to sufficiently block those who wished to pass him. Merlin clicked his seat belt in place, giving the steering wheel a quick pat as he revved the engine, giving a slight shiver at the loud purr.

"Let's have some fun today, Aithusa." Merlin whispered before going in the order he was assigned as the racers went around for the practice lap. Merlin always found the practice lap slightly boring but informational. It allowed him to scope out his competition, to see who was quick to jump at any small chance, who was hesitant to do anything, who was or wasn't familiar with the course and who would cause the most problems for Merlin. The last one was obvious with Cenred on his tail, taking a second to slightly bump into Aithusa with the nose of his car. 

"Gwaine, I want you to keep me updated on every single thing Cenred does; I wouldn't put it past him to try and get me to crash." Merlin said through the microphone that went to Gwaine's headset. The practice lap was over as soon as it begun and Merlin floored it, springing through an opening someone made because they weren't paying attention. It was narrow, he had to admit, but it gave him the chance to get up close and personal with the leader of the pack, a nameless driver in a bright green car with the number 64 pained in bright red on its side. Merlin heard Gwaine give a hiss from where he sat.

"That was close, M. You need to watch it. Just imagine how your mother would react if you died on Balinor's track." Merlin clenched his hands on the wheel tightly.

"I'm not going to die. Pus I can handle anything they throw at me, stop being such a worry wart." Merlin snapped as he gave the car more gas before letting off around a corner and springing ahead of 64 and into the lead with ease.

"You've definitely spent too much time with Princess." Gwaine muttered but let it drop all the same. Merlin let himself relax in his car, getting reacquainted with the push and pull of the engine, the groans and purrs, the smells. It was the high, the high he had gotten every time he raced, he drove, ever since he rode with his father when he was younger. No one could deny after seeing Merlin race that he wasn't meant for it. Racing was in the man's blood and there was nothing else he could do with his life really.

The first numberless amount of laps when well and Merlin grudgingly pulled in for a tire change at the last possible minute.

"You're doin' good out there Emrys." Gwaine said leaning back as Merlin rubbed at where the seat belt rested, the sharp turns weren't always exactly comfortable for the thin man.

"Don't get to cocky." He added, causing Merlin to grin. As soon as the pit crew backed away, Merlin floored it, the car jumping forward eagerly under his touch. Gwaine chuckled as he watched his friend get back out on the course and back into the lead. He had a two lap lead on everyone, well everyone except numbers 9 and 64. Gwaine suddenly leaned forward, watching his screen intently.

"Emrys, watch your right. Cenred is creepin' up on ya pretty close and I don't like the feeling it gives me." Merlin gave no sign that he heard as he continued to race. Gwaine gave a frustrated sigh before going back to his screen to watch Cenred and 64. Nothing happened for a while, Merlin still cozily in the lead, but Gwaine knew something would. A gut instinct he had learned to follow over the years. He had wished he was wrong when he saw both drivers move up closer to either side of Merlin. The man in the blue car sparred each of his opponents a glance before trying to get Aithusa to go faster, he was so close to winning.

He knew getting trapped between two racers would be a bad things, plus there was only a handful of laps left to go and he couldn't afford to get blocked out but the two racers. They followed close on his tail, bumping whenever they had the chance.

"Shit." Merlin whispered as one bump sent him towards the wall, the crowd gasping. Merlin quickly switched gears, dropping back before switching again to push forward, past the 9 and 64. He was not going to let Cenred literately bump him out of first, not on his father's track.

"Watch it, Emrys." Gwaine warned. Merlin ignored him, waiting for the slingshot opportunity. He flung past them quickly, the back of his car scraping against Cenred's front as he ran by.

"Shit. Shit. Shit." Merlin repeated quietly as he fought to reinstate some of the control he lost due to the brushing of the two cars.

"How many more laps?" Merlin asked breathlessly.

"You're on the home stretch." Merlin gave a nod though he knew Gwaine couldn't see.

"Come on, we can't lose now." Merlin resettled in his car, his body protesting slightly. The sudden gear changes and slingshots and brushing of cars and turns all together has jostled him around and it began to take a toll on his body.

"You okay in there?" Gwaine asked suddenly, hearing a pained groan.

"Fine. I just need to finish this." Merlin said through clenched teeth as he rounded around corner, a groan slipping out of him as he went up against the seat belt again. Being so thin definitely had its disadvantages.

"Merls?" Gwaine questioned at hearing the second groan.

"Where is Cenred?" Merlin questioned sharply.

"Right behind you." Merlin hit the steering wheel hard, biting his lip to stop for voicing the sudden pain the harsh movement had caused. Merlin had never been more relieved to cross the finish line in his life. He pulled into his pit stop, dropping back against the seat in exhaustion and pain.

~

Arthur gave a small whoop of victory as Emrys pulled in first over Cenred and Mordred. The race had been intense to say the least. Emrys refusing to pit stop until he absolutely had to, getting boxed in by two other drivers and pushed this way and that. Arthur had been sure Emrys was going to crash but was relieved all the same when he didn't. He watched as Emrys pulled himself shakily out of his car, the race must shaken the driver, getting cornered does that. He looked like he was about to take off his helmet, but didn't, making Arthur sink down on his couch in disappointment. It didn't last long though because Emrys was presented the trophy. He took it, quickly passing it onto a pit crew member who had his back to the camera, visibly wincing at the weight. The race had been hard on the lanky man and it was about to get worse. Cenred marched up on the stage pulling Emrys close, swinging fist violently into his stomach. The people went crazy as the two racers started to deck it out, Cenred trying to rip off his helmet and Emrys trying valiantly to get away.

"Come on! Show us your face, you coward! I should have won this race. I want to know, to see, who beat me!" Cenred yelled in a fit of rage. Emrys managed to pull away, scrambling behind his pit crew, holding his stomach and down on his knees. He tugged at his helmet, keeping his head down, away from the cameras. All anyone was able to see was raven black hair and blood trickling down on the stage. People swarmed Emrys after that and he was hidden completely from view.  
"Holy shit." Arthur whispered. He quickly grabbed his phone, determined to call Merlin and see if he caught a glimpse of what happened since he was supposed to be there. He had seen Gwaine but not Merlin.

~

"Why is there ringing?" Merlin questioned as he was led to a secluded room, his head covered by a white and slowly turning red cloth. The door clocked shut behind them and the paramedics began attending to Merlin's injuries.

"Oh, that's your phone. Here." Gwaine said, handing it to Merlin.

"Hello?" Merlin asked, biting back a groan of pain as the paramedics wiped away the blood that was dripping down his face and started to take off his racing jacket and t-shirt.

"Merlin. You okay, you don't sound to good? Did you get hurt when the whole Emrys and Cenred thing when down?" Arthur asked, concerned about Merlin. Merlin gave a dry laugh before wincing in pain.

"You could say that. I'm okay though." He added, a lie but Arthur didn't need to know that.

"I'm glad. Did you see him? Emrys? I mean he took his helmet off and there was a lot of blood on the stage."

"No, I didn't see him. I got lost in the crowd, Gwaine had to help me out." Merlin lied. He hadn't see Emrys, it was hard to see yourself when there wasn't a mirror, but Arthur was right. There was a lot of blood, it was everywhere. And Merlin hurt everywhere.

"Oh." That was all Arthur said. He sounded so disappointed, Merlin couldn't help but laugh and then wince again.

"Hey, I got to go but I'll get an autograph for ya and I'll see ya at the race, if not before then." Merlin said, the pain starting to dull as the paramedics gave him pain medicine.  
"How are you gonna manage that?" Arthur asked, giddy like a school boy.

"I'm sure I can get Kilgarrah to make him give me one." Merlin laughed again at the thought before saying goodbye and handing the phone back to Gwaine.

"How bad do I look?" He asked, eyes closed and head back. The paramedics were wrapping bandages around his torso after having exposed it, leaving him in just his pants.

"Pretty beat up. Cenred, definitely had it out for you. Was his bark worse than his bite?" Merlin rolled his eyes in response to Gwaine's teasing before groaning in pain, certain he had bruised a rib or two.

"How's my car?" Merlin questioned, causing the long-haired man to laugh.

"It'll be fine. A few scratches and dents but nothing we can't take care off. Just relax and let everyone do their job so we can leave and you can rest. You still have to get Emrys to give you an autograph for Arthur." Gwaine teased making Merlin promptly flip him off before trying to get his jacket and helmet back on before he made his way, limping to the car that would take them to the plane and away from Europe. Aithusa would go back to a garage and stored here in Europe until the next face. That's how Merlin did things. Showed up at the last minute for a race and left directly after finishing. There were no after-race parties, not for Emrys. The only ones he went to were the ones for Arthur.

"Are you sure no one saw my face?" Merlin questioned Kilgarrah as soon as he was sitting in a chair on the plane after having sat down slowly and gingerly.

"Positive. All they saw as you hair, your guys had you covered." Merlin gave a sigh of relief before closing his eyes, the pain only a dull throb at the back of his head as he drifted off into a state of drug induced oblivion.


	3. The Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I tend to update my other stuff on Sundays and figured I ought to continue the tradition. Anyway, lots of stuff for you to read, hope you like. Thank you for those who read, gave kudos, commented, and the one person bookmarked this. You guys are amazing because you choose to read what I write and it makes me smile like an idiot.

Merlin looked outside the plane, groaning when he saw the people crowded the usually empty small airport. "Why can't I ever leave a plane without people being everywhere?" Merlin questioned as he attempted to put a jacket on.

"Because you're famous. And no one knows what you look like." Gwaine replied, helping guide each of Merlin's arms through their sleeves in turn. "Cenred got ya good didn't he?" Gwaine asked noticing the beads of sweat on Merlin's forehead. He only received a grunt for a reply, causing him to chuckle.

"Here's your helmet Emrys." Gwaine murmured with a mock bow that earned him a weak slap on the arm.

"I'm beginning to regret keeping you as Crew Cheif." Merlin gave him a tired look before grabbing the helmet and putting it on, wincing slightly. 'One day, I won't have to leave the plane hidden under a helmet.' Merlin thought to himself hopefully.

"Let's get this over with so I can go home and sleep for a few days." He muttered as he pulled himself from his chair and walked as straight as he could towards the door and down the steps. The crowd was large and Merlin couldn't help but flinch at the noise. He thought about waving at them like a normal celebrity would, but he had forgotten his gloves. A stupid mistake considering he wasn't able to fully hide his tattoo without them, so he shoved his hands into his jacket pocket, wearing normal clothes and a racing helmet. It was an odd look but it did what was necessary and that was to hide his identity. He stared down at the steps for a while before getting interrupted by someone off to his side

"Need some help getting down the steps, mate?" Gwaine asked when Merlin didn't move past the first one, his body protesting the movement. Races had always made him sore but not like this. Never like this, but he didn't normally get the shit beat out of him. He gave a small nod and Gwaine took an arm and helped support his weight, most of his weight, as he led the battered racer down the stairs.

"Thank you." Merlin breathed heavily from effort as his feet touched solid ground he stumbled to his car, fishing out his keys, acting without thinking again. Merlin did this thing with his keys, in which he tossed them up and snatched the one he needed out of the air. It was a flair thing, but a habit, something he always did, ever since he was little. Ever since he was able to mimic the trick previously performed by his father. Luckily, Merlin did it with his left hand. The crowd went crazy and he only flinched again at the noise.

"I can't go home with everyone like this, so I'm gonna go back to the office. Sleep for a while until everything cools down." Gwaine and Kilgarrah nodded and Merlin all but dropped into his car. They didn't ask if he wanted one of them to drive, no matter how bad he was hurt Merlin never gave up the car keys, not even when he broke his foot a few years ago. Merlin finally pulled his hand out of his pocket as soon as the door closed, thanking whoever it was that thought to put tinted windows in his car as he started it up. The crowd parted around his car, tapping at the dark windows to get a look inside the dark car. Merlin gave a large sigh of relief as he was able to leave the airport and sped his way to his practice course and office.

He parked the car, body vibrating in pain at having been under the restraints of a seat belt so soon. He heaved himself out of his car, the one he drove when he was supposed to be Emrys and not Merlin. He stumbled to the front desk, waving to Jerry, the portly security guard, before making his way to the elevator. Leaning against the wall, chest heaving with effort, Merlin pulled the helmet off, cursing the thing that he had to wear to stay anonymous.

He drug himself to his office and collapsed on the couch, extremely exhausted, the door barely closed before he was asleep on the plushy couch.

~

Lancelot walked up to the Emrys Office, taking a moment to admire it like he always did when he went to pick Merlin up for lunch.

"Hey, Jerry. I'm here to pick up Merlin. Is he upstairs?" He questioned leaning against the desk to talk briefly with the portly man.

"Yeah, came up here about an hour ago, the plane was a little late."

"Ah." Lancelot nodded, he understood that Merlin was sent with Gwaine across the world to various races under the orders from Kilgarrah.

"Go on up. Tell the guy to eat something for me, will ya? The boy is too skinny." Lance just chuckled and heading up, taking the stairs to where Merlin's office lay. He opened the door, ready to call out Merlin's name when he saw said person sprawled out on the couch. Merlin was on his back, an arm draped across his stomach while the other hung off the couch, hand in a racing helmet. 'Racing helmet? Why does Merlin have a racing helmet?' Lance questioned himself silently before sprinting across the room when Merlin turned his head revealing a series of purple and blue bruises along his jaw bone and neck that continued under his shirt.

He dropped to his knees beside the injured man, the protective nature in him raging, as he moved Merlin's arm to see the rest of the bruises. What he saw under the shirt was enough to make him gasp. Poor Merlin. His torso was patterned in small cuts and bruises, especially on his ribs, and red patches on irritated skin that followed the lines of a seat belt. The slight shift caused Merlin to groan and clutch the helmet like it was his lifeline.

"Merlin? Merlin, wake up." Lance ordered, touching his shoulder gently, afraid of hurting his friend even more. Merlin gave a small groan, the one people make when they wish to sleep, before opening an eye.

"Lance?" He asked sleepily. "Lance?!" He bolted upright, pushing Lance away only to wrap an arm around himself and biting his lip harshly to stop from crying out.

"Merlin, what happened to you? It looks like someone beat the shit out of you..." Lancelot trailed off as an event flashed through his mind. Cenred attacking Emrys viciously, trying to get his helmet off. Helmet. He looked down at the helmet Merlin had dropped and back to his jaw, seeing what looked like finger shaped bruises.

"E-Emrys!" He all but shouted. Merlin's eyes widened and the fear on his face was unmistakable.

"You?" Lance questioned quieter, seeing his distressed friend. Merlin gave a brisk nod, moving to clutch his head, giving a small grunt of pain. "I won't tell." Lance told him confidently.

Merlin looked up sharply, pain rushing again. While Lance gave another nod of confirmation, Merlin leaned back against the couch, pulling a bottle of painkillers from his pocket. He pulled two out and popped them in his mouth, swallowing loudly.

"Thank you." Lance just nodded again.

"How bad?" He questioned, taking a seat in the chair across from the couch.

"Hit my head pretty good, I have a decent sized cut." Merlin started, touching a cut along his hairline. "Bruises from him gripping be and trying to force my helmet off and from his punching and kicking me. Bruised three ribs and the rashes are just from the seat belt, nothing new. Just like the brusies on my hip." Lance frowned but nodded glad his friend wasn't hurt more.

"Since you aren't in very good condition, how 'bout I order in some food? You're paying, Emrys." Lance teased, glad when Merlin cracked a smile.

"You order, I pay." Merlin confirmed, running a hand through his hair, the pain already a dull throb.

"He really got ya good." Lance commented quietly as he pulled his phone out. Merlin nodded.

"Driving is hard on my body already, I'm so thin I shift in the seat a lot. I wasn't prepared for Cenred. Plus when he and Mordred came at me, I had to do more harsh moves and then our cars scarped," he took a deep breath, hand still in his hair, "It was intense and then he came at me. I don't know what I would've done without Gwaine." Lance looked up sharply.

"Gwaine?" Merlin nodded.

"He knows because he's my Crew Chief." Merlin explained and it all clicked into place for Lance. They met at work, they were extremely close, and they were always on the same trips.

"I see. So food, the usual?" He questioned and Merlin nodded, dropping his hands as he stretched out a bit.

"Bastard forced me to take off my helmet." Merlin muttered as he scraped at the blood that stained his helmet. Lance just chuckled.

"Sometimes Merlin, I wonder about you. Stuff makes more sense now, but I still wonder." Merlin grinned, chuckling along with him.

"When the food gets here, use this card." Merlin said, pulling out a black, sleek card with the name 'Merlin Ambrosias' in gold letters written on it. "My 'Emrys' card; it's the one with the racing earnings on is." Lance just stared at the card and then at Merlin.

"You're loaded aren't you? I mean like Arthur loaded." Merlin grinned wickedly.

"The better comparison would be, Arthur is kinda like Merlin loaded." He clarified with a laugh and Lance just shook his head.

"No wonder you don't let anyone pay for you and you're always buying the drinks, rich prat." Merlin just laughed, clutching his stomach when it started to hurt.

"I call Arthur that and it's funny to hear it said to me." Lance grinned before heading downstairs to get the food.

"Ordered in?" Jerry asked.

"Yeah. Merlin's too tired from travel and time differences to go out." Lance lied easily hurrying back upstairs with the food to find Merlin playing with his keys, tossing them up and catching them.

"I made another mistake." Merlin said quietly, more to himself than to Lance. "I did this when I got off the plane. I've never done it as Emrys, only as me, Merlin."

"Dont worry 'bout it Merls. Just eat and then I'll take you home so you can get some real rest. Arthur's gonna wanna do his pre-race drinking night on Tuesday." Merlin groaned. "Do you do anything as your pre-race ritual?" Lance asked, handing over some of the Chinese food. Merlin nodded.

"I do some practice laps, going seriously slow. I visit my Father's grave, laying dragon flowers, and tell him everything that's on my mind. Then I go home and sleep for twelve or so hours." Merlin replied between large bites of his food.

"That sounds so much better than what Arthur does."

"It is." Merlin concurred.

~

"How are you feeling, Merlin?" Gwaine asked on Tuesday night as they met across the street from the bar Arthur had picked for his pre-face drink fest.

"I'm fine." Merlin told him, tracing the already fading bruises he had covered up on his jaw and neck. "Now, let's go. Wait, my necklace. Do you still have it?" Merlin asked, a hint of panic in his voice. Gwaine chuckled pulling it out of his jeans.

"Relax. Told you I'd keep it safe." Merlin snatched the necklace, fastening it around his neck, sighing in comfort at the feeling of the weight.

"Same pants? You lazy bum." Merlin muttered, throwing his arms around Gwaine for just a moment. "Thank you."

Arthur clenched his hands into fists at seeing the display between Merlin and Gwaine. The way Merlin hugged him. Why did Gwaine have his necklace. Unless. No. Arthur shook his head. Merlin and Gwaine? Preposterous. To keep his mind off it, he threw back a shot, ordering another.

~

Halfway through the night, Merlin found himself squished between Arthur and Gwaine who decided to have a drinking contest. Merlin pulled himself away from the two, shaking his head.

"I'm so ready for this race, not even the Great Emrys could beat me. Not like he could race after taking a beating from Cenred." Arthur roared, causing Merlin to clench his hands. Everyone cheered their agreement all except Gwaine and Lance who threw Merlin veiled glances.

"Excuse me, I'm gonna got get another beer." Merlin muttered, stepping aside, pulling his phone out angrily.

"Ah, Merlin. What can I do for you at such a time?" The old man asked as Kilgarrah answered the call.

"I want you to get me into the American circuit." Merlin said without hesitation.

"Are you sure about this, Merlin?" Kilgarrah asked. A pause.

"Yes. It's what dad raced on and it's the ten year anniversary. I want to do this." Merlin said firmly.

"Okay. I'll get you in." Merlin grinned, saying a thanks before heading back inside.

"I'm gonna go, Arthur." He said, resting a hand on his friend's shoulder. "I need to catch up on my sleep." Not really a lie to be exact, sleeping was all Merlin had been doing and while he needed more, he needed to think about what he just got himself into on an angry impulse. 

"Ah, come on Merls! For me." Merlin chuckled, shaking his head.

"I really need to sleep." Arthur narrowed his eyes slightly.

"Someone keepin' you up late at night?" He snapped quietly, making Merlin reel like he had been bitten.

"No, but it's not like it's any of your business." Merlin snapped as he reached across Arthur to grab his jacket, pulling back quickly at the pain thought shot up his side, letting out a small hiss. The sound of pain coming from Merlin was enough to sober Arthur up.

"Are you okay?" Arthur asked, concern noticeable in his voice.

"Fine." Merlin snapped again, as he got a hold of his jacket, hissing at the pain again.

"Merlin-" Arthur started as he followed Merlin out of the bar.

"No. I'm fine, go back to your drinking." He told Arthur heatedly.

"Will I see you at the race?" Arthur asked.

"No." Merlin said softer, hearing the worry in his friend's slurred voice. "Something's come up with work and I can't miss it. Sorry." Arthur nodded, dejected. Sighing Merlin moved back towards his drunk friend.

"I really am sorry I can't make it." He said brazenly resting a hand against Arthur's cheek. Arthur sighed, leaning into Merlin's touch.

"S'okay." Arthur slurred. Merlin smiled sadly before pressing a kiss to Arthur's forehead, hoping he was too drunk to remember it.

"I hope you'll understand eventually." He whispered before pulling away and heading to his car.

~

"What?! Are you stupid, Merlin?! Doing this race means you'll be going against Arthur. Not to mention I can't hide under a helmet like you do." Gwaine exclaimed, falling back in his chair, exasperated.

"I know. That's why you're gonna your real job. I'm doing this Gwaine, and if I have to, I'll do it without you." Merlin said, as he finished tying his shoes having spent the night at the office again.

"You're not doing it without me, twat." Gwaine snapped, leaning forward. "I just want to make sure you know what you're doing." Merlin nodded.

"I get that. And I'm certain." Merlin repeated as he picked up his helmet and jogged the best he could down the stairs, still a tad bit sore with the bruises a dull yellow color and ribs healing slowly. He stepped onto the track, pulling his helmet on. Gwaine followed him, but Merlin stopped him.

"I'm just going through the motions for about two hours. You should tell everyone so they're prepared for tomorrow." Merlin said, as he slid into a car, Aithusa, (both his racing cars had the same name, Melin was attached) was being repainted. Gwaine frowned, not looking forward to it, but nodded.

"Oh, and before you go, Lance knows." Merlin added making Gwaine sputter out: What? How?

"Walked in on me while I was sleeping on Sunday and saw the bruises. He connected the dots. Plus I forgot to lock the door." Gwaine shook his head.  
"I swear, it's like you're trying to get caught." Gwaine knew his friend was grinning beneath his helmet.

"Almost." He didn't say anything else before closing the door, driving regular cars in practice and taking off. Gwaine took a moment to watch after him before pulling out his phone, taking a deep breath.

"Hey, Lance. I need your help with something. Can you get everyone down to the bar? I'll buy lunch." Gwaine said as he walked off the track.

~

"So, what's this big important thing you just had to tell us?" Arthur asked, picking at hid fries, already having finished his burger.

"Wait, before you share, where's Merlin?" Morgana asked.

"He's working and couldn't get away." She didn't buy it but let him continue anyway. "So, you guys know I'm in the Emrys cog system." They all nodded.

"Well, I'm not some desk jockey." He started.

"What are you then?" Leon questioned.

"I work with Emrys. Closely. I'm his Crew Chief." Gwaine stated, his chin raised, a subtle challenge.

"Seriously? You got to be kidding me." Arthur said, earning a few sharp glances.

"I'm serious. I'm his Crew Chief." Gwaine repeated, anger seeping into his voice. 'Of course it would be Arthur who would question it.' Gwaine thought.

"Why are you telling us this now?" Morgana asked sharply, knowing there was more than he wasn't telling them.

"Because, and you must keep it quiet, Emrys is racing tomorrow. In the same one as Arthur." They were plunged in silence, the tension so thick someone could cut it with a spoon.

"Why?" Arthur asked.

"He wanted to race here in America and when he heard you boasting about being able to beat him, well he took it as a challenge." Gwaine replied with a mischievous glint in his eye as Lance broke into a grin as he thought of how Merlin had reacted.

"Who told him I boasted?" Arthur questioned.

"Merlin. He is Emrys' spokesperson. Always listening for what the people are saying and helps Emrys make his decisions." Arthur just stared, wide-eyed at Gwaine.

"Merlin? Are we talking about the same Merlin? Gangly little guy?" He asked, making everyone laugh for a moment.

"Yupp. Same Merlin."

"Why didn't he tell us he was spokesperson for Emrys?" Percival asked, the hurt in his voice.

"He just got promoted the other day and didn't want Princess to get all, 'can I meet him? Can I meet him?'" Gwaine teased as Arthur glared at him. "Oh, and this is for you." He added, tossing Arthur a piece of paper with a large black scrawl on it.

"What is that?" Leon asked, causing Arthur to blush slightly before attempting to stuff it in his jacket.

"Nothing." He muttered but Morgana was quick, reaching across the table and snatching it out of his hands.

"Oooh. Look. Arthur got an autograph from Emrys." They all chuckled.

"Shut up. Merlin offered to get one for me." He muttered, blush increasing as he pulled the paper back.

"Sounds like Merlin and Emrys are pretty close. Really close." Percy added, causing Gwaine, Arthur, and Lance to spit out their drinks.

"Trust me, Emrys is not sleeping with Merlin. He's sleeping with me." Gwaine said seriously.

"If you say so." Percy retorted, an eyebrow raised.

"I'm serious. He's rather attractive and skilled."

"I really don't want to hear about your sex life." Arthur said, pushing his fires away.

"You're just jealous." Gwaine muttered, a hint of anger in his voice.

"Can I talk to you, Gwaine?" Lance asked as everyone else began to talk among themselves. Gwaine followed the Hispanic man away. Arthur mentioned the bathroom, but really went to listen to what they were saying.

"Really? Lying about sleeping with 'Emrys'. How far must you go to push Arthur? How would Merlin react?" 'Merlin? Where did Merlin come into this?' Arthur asked himself.  
"It's not a lie." Lance stilled at the seriousness in Gwaine's voice.

"Merlin?" He asked. Gwaine nodded and Arthur froze. Merlin really did sleep with Gwaine and Gwaine had cheated on him with Emrys. Bastard. He went to punch Gwaine but realized he was supposed to hear so he walked away, leaving the bar throwing the autograph away along the way.

"I thought Merlin loved Arthur?" Lance said.

"He does. It was just sex, flying from race to race gets lonely." Gwaine spat bitterly.

"Doesn't sound like it." Lance murmured quietly. Gwaine shook his head.

"Doesn't matter. He loves Arthur. Always will." Gwaine repeated, before walking back to their table, not noticing Arthur's absence.

~

"Hey, Dad. I know, two times in the same week. Haven't visited you twice in a week before." Merlin said happily, but bitterly, as he knelt down, setting the dragon flowers on the grave. "I'm here because I'm racing tomorrow. American circuit. I never thought I'd race them after you died, but I am. I'm racing against Arthur. I'm slightly worried. He still doesn't know and he's good. Maybe even better than me and he has the advantage since I haven't driven on an American track since you died." He took a deep breath.

"I hope to make you proud." He whispered, standing up as he looked at the overcast sky, rain starting to fall. It rained quite a lot, it was Oregon after all. Merlin jumped when he heard a door slam and turned sharply and was surprised to find Arthur. He was angry. That much Merlin knew. 'What did Gwaine do?' Merlin asked himself as he watched Arthur walk, more like stomp, towards him.

"Merlin." He said curtly before looking at the grave, jaw clenched in anger.

"Are you okay, Arthur?" Merlin asked while asking himself again what Gwaine could have possibly done. "Did you get the autograph?" He asked, hoping to see his friend's face light up with a smile. It didn't, in fact, he frowned.

"Yeah."

"Did you like it?" Merlin pressed, leaning forward in his feet.

"I did. Then I didn't."

"What do you mean?" Merlin asked, eyes widening.

"Just Gwaine and Emrys. The two of them." Merlin still wasn't understanding.

"Okay?" He questioned, beyond confused. 'What had happened at their lunch?'

"Gwaine boasted about speaking with Emrys," Merlin flinched but Arthur was paying attention, again, "and then he and Lance talked. About you. And Gwaine." Merlin still didn't get it. Him and Gwaine what? Why was he separating the two... That's when it clicked.

"Oh."

"Oh? Oh, is all you can say?!" Arthur exclaimed turning to look Merlin full in the face. "Gwaine cheated on you with Emrys and all you can say is 'Oh'?" Arthur yelled. A small part of Merlin, the dark twisted part of him, was laughing in amusement considering he was both persons in question with Gwaine.

"He didn't cheat on me with Emrys. You'd have to be in a relationship to cheat on someone." Merlin stated as he looked down at his feet.

"Oh." Merlin almost laughed. "So it was..." Arthur trailed off.

"Just sex." Merlin looked up to see something hardening in Arthur's eyes.

"Just sex." He repeated and Merlin understood where he was going now. Merlin never shared his conquests, few they were, because it was painful. He wanted to be with Arthur but couldn't, when he was with someone else it didn't really mean much besides sex. So, maybe Merlin wasn't totally okay in life. Arthur saw that it was just sex, but he didn't understand. How could he?

"Yes, Arthur. Sex. Something you partake in too." Arthur flinched.

"You-" He was cut off, by an angry Merlin.

"How can you expect me not to now?" Merlin questioned. "It's not like you hide them. Cenred," he spat that name in particular thought Arthur didn't know why, "Mordred, even George!" Merlin added making Arthur flinch again. Merlin never let him live that one down, sleeping with a fan was stupid and he could never be allowed to forget it.

"Good luck tomorrow, Arthur. You're gonna need it." Merlin almost snarled, as he walked, no stalked, away hands searching for his pack of cigarettes. As he moved away, he lit one, inhaling deeply.

"Just when I get one step closer, I get thrown five steps back." He whispered to himself before taking another long drag.

~

Arthur watched after Merlin, wishing to face palm as the man he cared so much about walked away, pulling out a cancer stick. Arthur walked, defeated, shoulders slumped back to his car. He dropped into his seat pressing a hand against his forehead. Forehead. A memory suddenly flashed before his eyes. Merlin resting a hand against Arthur's cheek, him kissing Arthur's forehead, and whispering softly to him; words Arthur couldn't quite recall. What did that mean? Arthur slammed a hand against the steering wheel, angry with himself even more.

"Race tomorrow. Make it up to Merlin, Friday."


	4. The Guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the next chapter. I will give the same warning I did before when this was up, the POV does do a bit of jumping but it was necessary to make the chapter work the way I wanted. I also have a question for you guys. I'm working on this story, it was an idea and I just kinda ran with it and suddenly it was 1:30 in the morning and the story had changed in a way I wasn't expecting. It's really raw and I can't find a way to work on it and I was wondering if anyone knew how I could find someone to essentially beta it for me? I don't know how to find people like that and I was hoping someone could point me in the right direction because I'm floundering just a little. Anyway, go on and read I'll try to get through the next one soon.

Merlin was nervous, to say the least. His leg kept bouncing up and down, he kept fiddling with his jacket, and he was now on his third cigarette.

"Are you okay, Merlin?" Gwaine asked as they passed through security, the windows rolled down just enough for Gwaine to stick his hand out with their pass and not let anyone see inside the dark car with the overly dark windows.

"Of course I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be okay? I've never raced this track before. My mother will be here. Everything's fucking peachy." Merlin rambled as he flicked the ashes out the window before taking another hit.

"Okay, give me the cigarettes." Gwaine ordered, snapping Merlin out of his daze.

"What?" He questioned.

"Give them. You can have them back after the race." Gwaine reiterated, holding out his hand expectantly. Merlin stared at Gwaine's open hand before reaching into his jacket and pulling his pack out. He held onto them for a moment, grip tightening, before setting them Gwaine's hand, pulling back quickly to stop himself from trying to snatch them up again.

"This race has you all bent out of sorts. Are you sure you want to do this?" Gwaine repeated. Merlin took a deep breath, of actual air this time.

"Yes."

"Why is Hunith going to be here?" Gwaine asked, hearing the determination Merlin's voice as he pulled into their designated garage.

"She tries to go to all of Arthur's races, he's her second son." Merlin replied as he climbed out of the car, only giving a slight wince as his ribs gave a small protest as he hauled himself out. He walked over to the changing room, bouncing in nervousness and excitement as he slipped off his jacket and pulled off his shirt along the way.

"She's never seen me race, even if she won't know it's me, I'm nervous. The last time I brought up racing to her, she had a break down and begged me not to because of dad." He stopped for a moment, a knife twisting inside him at the memory and the fact that he didn't listen, that had been before graduation. "I'm more nervous now than I was when my dad put me in the front seat of his car when I was eight and said, 'give it some gas'." Merlin added, trying to force away the guilt that was clawing its way to the surface as he zipped up his racing jacket, leaving the dressing room.

"Don't let it psych you out." Gwaine said as he did an overview of Merlin. "Ring?" He asked, holding out his hand. Merlin shook his head.

"No. Not this time. I'm going to keep him close. This was his circuit after all, The Albion Trials. I just hope I can win the Albion cup and ring, like he did." Gwaine raised an eyebrow, knowing that the ring that rested lazily against the hollow of Merlin's collar bone was his most prized possession and he would never risk it. So instead of questioning the thin man he just handed him his blue helmet instead.

"Time to do this." Merlin said quietly to himself, taking a deep breath, as he pulled on his gloves, making sure his tattoo was covered before slipping his helmet on, a sense of familiarity washing over him. He readjusted his gloves again, doubling checking, to make sure that the black ink was covered, Arthur would recognize it, if Merlin slipped and let it show. Arthur.

"I need you to watch what you say. I got approached by an angry Arthur who was under the impression that you cheated on me with Emrys." Merlin told his crew chief. Sure, on some level it was funny. Downright hilarious even. Gwaine gave a chortle of laughter.

"That's funny. No wonder he gave me such a glare." Merlin lifted his visor to glare at the long haired man for a moment before he slapped it back down and walking out to where his car was stationed.

'It's just a race. Just a race. A race with Arthur. And my mother is watching.' He gave himself a sharp shake. 'Just a race.' He repeated to himself, trying to force out his nervousness.

"Arthur at twelve o'clock." Gwaine muttered, seeing that Merlin had his head down. He snapped his gaze upward suddenly, giving Gwaine a small 'leave' gesture with his hand. 

Gwaine frowned but nodded, carrying his clipboard and heading over to his seat. Merlin fumbled to put his necklace under his jacket before Arthur got to close and could see it for what it was.

"Hello Emrys." Arthur said, sticking out a gloved hand.

"Pendragon." Merlin said, lowering his voice to the point where it would be unrecognizable. He accepted the outstretched hand, shaking firmly. Here, they were not friends. Here they were not two men in love even if they denied it. Here, Merlin was Emrys, and that meant his was no friend of Arthur's and in that moment, there, Merlin was okay with that.

"I just wanted to wish you good luck. May the best man win." Arthur said, giving his fake polite smile, hiding his surprise at the other man's tight grip. 'He was as thin as Merlin!' 

"I plan to." Merlin told him, anger still brewing from his last encounter with Arthur. He pulled his hand back forcibly, his glove stuck to Arthur's causing it to move and reveal a strip of tattooed skin. Merlin swore under his breath as he tugged his hand and glove free while Arthur froze for just a moment, seeing the tail of something that looked like a dragon. He shook his head, he was just imagining that whatever tattoo Emrys had looked just like Merlin's. 'Merlin. God I messed up last night.' Arthur cursed himself, not realizing that Emrys, Merlin, was walking away.

~

Snapping out of his reprieve, he watched Emrys saunter over to his blue car, touching the hood affectionately. There was something eerily familiar about that man, something that Arthur had yet to place. He watched him for a moment, refusing to admit that he let his eyes skim over the man's body intently, before turning and walking to Leon. The not-quite-blonde-but-not-ginger-haired man who was married to Arthur's half-sister, Morgana, looked up at him a grin on his face. He was Arthur's crew chief, throwing Gwaine a glance as he talked to his own driver.

"What can I do for you Arthur?" Leon asked and Arthur couldn't help but feel a sense of thankfulness surge through him as he looked at the man he considered to be his closest friend behind Merlin.

"Watch Emrys. Keep me updated." Arthur ordered before snatching his helmet from a random person who wore his read and gold colors before slipping through the opening in his car and getting settled.

"You got it." Leon mumbled as he watched Emrys affectionately touch Gwaine's shoulder before going and talking to a crew member in what seemed to be a polite manner. 'Arthur could take some tips from this guy.' Leon thought, eying the man in blue and silver with interest.

~

Merlin was still a little sore. The bruises hadn't disappeared entirely and his ribs still hurt like a son of a bitch as he buckled himself in, shuddering at the purr Aithusa gave as he pressed against the gas. He felt giddy, oddly enough. There was something exciting about racing in the American circuit, where he had never raced before, where his father wrote his legacy. He looked at the stands, spotting his mother there, obviously looking for him. He always sat next to her during the races. Not this time. Not this season. As if feeling his eyes on her, Hunith turned to stare in the direction of Merlin. He tensed up, but her gaze shifted along the rest of the drivers and he relaxed. 'Let it go. Forget about her being her and Arthur. This is your race. You will win this.' He thought, trying to making himself believe what he should have already known.

"Gwaine, keep an eye on Arthur, will ya? I want to know where he is in correlation to me." Merlin said, hearing a grunt for a reply.

Merlin followed two faceless cars out onto the practice lap. He went through his simple deduction of the racers. There weren't, oddly enough, as bold and ready to jump as the European drivers. Merlin felt like his had something to finally place in his advantage column. He gave a silly grin behind his helmet before sitting comfortably in third place as the race began, at least for a couple laps.

~

Arthur gave Emrys a quick, wide-eyed glance. He always moved to get ahead and stay there, yet there he was, seemingly content in third. 'Odd.' Arthur thought as he went inside to move up. That's when it happened. He was focused on moving up that he didn't seem Emrys slip through a gap none of the other racers would have dared to challenge, the second move like that is a week, and he took the lead. Arthur looked up, shocked at what had so suddenly occurred.

"Leon? What did he do?!" Arthur questioned as he pushed down on the gas.

"Slipped through the smallest gap I've ever see a car go through during a race. Racing European must have hardened up right up. Guy's got some balls." Leon gave a whistle of appreciation which caused Arthur to promptly tell him to shut up and keep him updated.

~

"That was close, M." Gwaine growled. "Already scraping up Aithusa's paint job?" He questioned, hearing laughter. Merlin was laughing? This was interesting.

"I didn't touch any of the other cars." Merlin stated as he spurring his car forward, grinning as he took a corner smoothly and pulled farther ahead, the turn wasn't as harsh on his body like the previous race's was, but his muscles did give a small yelp as he moved against the seat belt; not to mention the hint of a groan he gave as his ribs yelled in protest. Bruised ribs were a bitch.

"How are you holding up there, M?" Gwaine asked, concerned knowing his friend was still hurt.

"Fine. Just a little sore. Nothing to worry about." Merlin replied as he moved in close to the inside, going faster and successfully blocking Arthur who was trying to move past him.

"That was good, mate. How did you know he was going that way? I didn't see anything." Gwaine stated, impressed.

"He always does that when he hit the third turn to get ahead because normally everyone else does it on the fourth before the home stretch." Merlin replied, he knew how Arthur raced; years of watching with a trained eye does that.

Gwaine frowned, clenching his hands slightly. "Of course." He muttered before going silent.

"You okay, Gwaine?" Merlin asked hearing the change in tone as he willed his car fast as he hit the fourth turn and held steady as he completed his lap, getting into a groove, a rhythm. He drove in silence for the next several laps, nothing passing between driver or crew chief. Merlin forgot about everything but him and the track and the car underneath him. The shifts and sounds and smells. The high, it was back again and so quickly, Merlin loved it. There was nothing like it and he got it twice in a week, he could get used to it. Used to the free feeling, the weight being lifted from his shoulders.

~

"Merlin you need to pit." Gwaine ordered.

"What? Why? I can go another two, three laps before I have to pit." Merlin replied, confused.

"On a European track, this one is different, M. You need to now, you're losing traction. I can see it."

"Shit." Merlin whispered moving in to pit. "Why didn't I feel that?" He asked.

"You were in the zone. Plus this car is a bit different and you haven't been driving it for as long. You have a lead on just about everyone except for a handful of people, Arthur included." Merlin tightened his grip on the wheel, anger flooding through his veins as Arthur was thrown back into his thoughts, breaking through his high. That damned blonde who could always throw Merlin a smile and he'd forget all the things he did, the way Arthur acted-

"Merlin! Go!" Gwaine shouted, pulling Merlin from his thoughts. "Go!"

"Fuck." Merlin slammed on the gas, slamming a hand against the steering wheel. "Dammit! Dammit!" He rounded a corner, tightly to get back onto the track with speed. His wondering thoughts had pulled him out of first into second, behind Arthur.

~

"Leon, what happened?" Arthur asked as he moved around the corner, his seat belt pressing tightly against his chest.

"I don't know. He just sat there until Gwaine yelled at him. Watch it, he's coming up behind you and quickly." Leon warned. Arthur ran that over in his head. 'What actually happened? Emrys has never done something like that, it was a rookie mistake. He must have been distracted. But by what?' During Arthur's musing he moved inside to block Emrys from slipping past him, smiling in triumph.

~

Merlin grinned. "Perfect." He murmured. Shifting gears quickly and getting thrown against his seat and to the side, he jumped past Arthur on the outside. Throwing back the gear shifter, Merlin swerved around the corner and stretch pulling away with the smell of brunt rubber and a screeching sound.

~

"What the fuck?!" Arthur yelled as Emrys swung past him somehow. He had anticipated him going in to pass him, so he moved but Emrys was going out; so when Arthur moved in he only further increased the opening for the other racer. "Sick bastard. He's good." 'And familiar.' he added silently.

"I know. Reminds me of Balinor, Merlin's dad. Always did smooth and sneaky tricks like that, always risked shit to get ahead." Arthur flinched at Merlin's name and his father's.  
"He certainly did. And he died." Arthur snapped, shutting down any further conversation about Merlin or his father.

~

Merlin gave a small whoop as he pulled ahead. "Don't get cocky." Gwaine warned, causing Merlin to roll his eyes. Gwaine looked over to see Hunith, a hand over her mouth. She looked like she had see a ghost, and in a way she had. She looked a lot like Merlin, dark hair, round and innocent eyes, and a kind nature. Merlin also had her backbone, well part of it. Hunith was a stubborn woman who would move the earth before giving up. Balinor was similar, which made Merlin a terrible combination of determination and stubbornness that could rival that of any god. It made getting into an argument disastrous. 

"Just be careful, M." He didn't say 'don't die' but it was there as Gwaine stole another glance at Hunith. Merlin stayed silent, curious as why Gwaine was getting on him so much lately but he rushed it off as his vision narrowed and all he saw once more was the track. He didn't know when he crossed the finish line at the end of the race, just that suddenly Gwaine was whooping in his ear loudly and Merlin was suddenly exhausted.

"You did it! You won your first American race!" Gwaine exclaimed running up beside that car. "Merlin?" He questioned when he got no reply.

"Can you help me out? I don't think I can do it." Merlin really was exhausted. The two races and conflicting emotions really got to him. Frowning Gwaine reached in, unbuckling his friend and hauling him out, Merlin's thin arms around his shoulders. Merlin gave a grunt of pain as his feet hit the pavement, an arm moving to wrap around his torso.

"Ribs?" Gwaine asked. Merlin nodded.

~

Arthur climbed out of his car to see Emrys holding his torso. That's when he remembered the fight not even a week ago. There he was injured, made mistakes, and he still beat Arthur. He walked over to the man in blue and silver, pulling off his helmet.

~

Merlin let go of Gwaine and leaned against Aithusa to relax for a moment, coming down from his high. He looked over to see Arthur taking off his helmet, shaking his head, blonde hair flying before sticking to the sides with sweat. Merlin bit his lip as Arthur approached.

"Good job. That was a great race." Arthur said, thoroughly impressed. Merlin just nodded, fatigue evident. "You okay?" Arthur asked, seeing the man's chest heaving with effort and the way he leaned on his car to stay upright.

"Tired." Merlin replied, voice gravely and low again. Gwaine looked surprised for a moment at the sound but then grinned.

"Come on. Let's go grab our trophy and get you some sleep, M." Merlin just nodded, leaning against the thicker man as he was led away.

"It was nice beating you, Pendragon." Merlin called back, stopping for a moment. His cheeky comment threw Arthur for one.

"I think you've been spending too much time with Merlin." Arthur relied with a small laugh, figuring the two worked closely together and that Merlin was rubbing off the the driver. Merlin laughed, a deep, honest laugh, that Arthur wanted to hear again, not realizing how familiar it was.

"You have no idea." Merlin whispered to himself as Gwaine continued to lead the way up to the set up stage.

Merlin lifted the trophy with intense effort before handing it off, all but falling to the floor from exhaustion, the crash hitting him hard. Gwaine caught the thin man, lowering him to the ground.

~

Arthur watched, mildly concerned for his fellow racer. It washed away when he saw Hunith, he beamed at her.

"Second's not bad, eh?" He questioned. She smiled softly at him, pulling him in for a hug.

"Not bad at all. I just wish Uther had made it." Arthur stiffened at his father's name. "And Merlin." She sounded wistful.

"Me too." Arthur whispered before turning around at the feeling of a pair of eyes burning into the back of his head. He saw Emrys looking in his direction.

"He's certainly something, isn't he?" Arthur questioned turning, but keeping an arm around his surrogate mother.

"He is." Hunith agreed.

~

Merlin pulled himself up from the ground, unzipping his jacket as he made his way down the steps and to his garage, head low. He couldn't stay there and see Arthur with an arm around his mother. It hurt to too much, because he had never gotten that hug after the race and he never might.

"Gwaine! My smokes!" Merlin yelled, turning back around. Gwaine frowned but dug the pack out of his jeans, tossing it to Merlin. He moved to catch them, stumbling and almost falling. They landed on the ground and he scooped them up before continuing his way to his garage helmet coming off as the door closed, revealing his head of black hair again.

~

Arthur frowned. Emrys was starting to reveal himself, slowly but surely. Arthur turned to Hunith after Emrys disappeared to see her frowning.

"Everything okay?" He questioned. She just smiled and nodded.

"Of course, Arthur. I'll see you later at dinner. Make sure to find Merlin for it, I'm making his favorite." Arthur nodded, giving her a kiss on the cheek before she left the track, a frown still on her face.

~

Merlin tugged off his jacket and gloves, sighing in content as he puffed on his cigarette, spread out on a chair.

"Those things are going to kill you." Gwiane said. Merlin didn't reply, he was replaying the imagine of Arthur hugging his mother after the race. Every time he saw it, it hurt more and more. It hit too close to home, the feeling of not being close to his mother because of his life, because of his decisions. It hurt to the point where he started to blink back tears, tears he didn't think he was capable of anymore after his father's death. He hadn't cried in years.

"Are you okay?" Gwaine asked, setting a hand on Merlin's shoulder, startling him.

"Fine." His voice broke slightly and he stood up. "I'm gonna go home and take a shower. I've got dinner with my mother tonight. Do you need a ride home?" Merlin asked, stripping off his shirt, revealing his thin but muscled chest. Gwaine stared taking in every inch of the revealed chest, with the small bit of black hair, looking past the still visibly bruises before it disappeared under Merlin's baggy T-shirt.

"Nah. I'll catch a ride with Leon. Hit a bar. Ya know, the usual." Merlin chuckled as he stripped off his pants before slipping back into his jeans, blue boxers peeking out of the top of them.

"Okay. I'll see ya later Gwaine." Merlin said before pulling on a jacket, flipping up the hood, covering his messy, well messier than normal, hair. He grabbed the car keys, jogging a little to the car. He just hoped he could make it without crashing.

~

"Merlin! Merlin, open the damn door!" Arthur yelled as he pounded on Merlin's apartment door.

"Just a moment!" Merlin shouted. Arthur had his hand still raised when Merlin opened the door, stopping when he saw Merlin. He had just gotten out of the shower, hair wet and sticking to his head, wearing only a towel around his waist.

"I slept longer than I meant to." He explained, but Arthur didn't hear him. All he saw were the various yellow and green bruises on Merlin's chest. He grabbed Merlin's wrist stopping him from moving away after being invited in. He pulled him closer, staring intently at the ugly shapes that dotted Merlin's usually perfect chest. He touched one lightly, Merlin inhaling sharply.

"What happened?" Arthur asked in a strained voice.

"I fell down the stairs at work." Merlin lied, biting his lower lip as Arthur continued to trail his calloused fingers over the various bruises on his torso.

"Must have been a hell of a fall." Arthur started, looking Merlin in the eye, noticing a cut on his forehead and smaller bruises along his jaw and neck. Why didn't he noticed before?  
"It was." Merlin whispered, acutely aware that Arthur still had his hand on his chest.

"How didn't I see this?" Arthur asked, brow creased as his hand moved to touch Merlin's jaw gently.

"I didn't want everyone to know I fell, so I covered it up." Merlin admitted, looking down. He had used make up to cover up all the bruises he obtained over the years and more recently. Driving was rough on Merlin, but he loved it. He coughed, pulling Arthur back to reality.

"I need to get dressed or we'll be late." Merlin said. Arthur blushed and pulled back, looking away.

"Sorry." He said, rubbing the back of his neck in discomfort. Merlin just chuckled.

"It's fine. I'll be right back." Merlin said before disappearing from view. He took a second once inside his room to breath deeply, thinking over what happened and how close Arthur had been. 'Stop it. You can't do anything about it.' He reminded himself before getting dressed and combing through his hair.

"I'm ready, let's go." Merlin said, slipping on a jacket, his bruises hidden once more and Arthur nodded knowingly. Hunith would have a fit if Merlin was hurt.

"You're mom's making you favorite." Arthur informed Merlin as they headed down to Arthur's car. Merlin grinned before it dropped from sight as Arthur turned away. A small part, well, a large part, really was dreading the dinner. It was something they did after every race but this one would be different. They would be celebrating Arthur's second place and scorning Emrys's, Merlin's, win. Merlin wasn't sure if he could take that right now, not after everything that had happened the last week and a half.

~

"Merlin!" Hunith exclaimed as she threw open the door to her house, enveloping her tall son into a bone-crushing hug. Merlin smiled and returned the hug with the same amount of vigor. Releasing his mother, Merlin stepped inside while Arthur was embraced, the knife in Merlin's chest twisting ever so slightly as the memory from earlier resurfaced. He pushed it away, guilt filling him, plastering a fake smile on his face as he turned back to Arthur and his mother. She closed the door and ushered them toward the dinning room.

"It's so good to see you two." She said, smiling brightly. The guilt intensified but Merlin buried it once more. "At least when you aren't zooming around a race track and you work all the time." Hunith said to first Arthur and then Merlin. He gave her an apologetic smile, guilt clenching his heart. He loved his mother and he loved spending time with her, but he felt so guilty. All the freaking time. He lied about his job, where he was going exactly, what he did during his free time, how he got hurt. Everything was one big lie.

"Merlin?" Arthur questioned, pulling him out of his musing.

"What? Sorry." Hunith smiled at him while Arthur rolled his eyes, he was spending too much time with the Ambrosias, as that was their signature move.

"I was just asking you whether you were going to stand there or sit down." Hunith stated. That's when Merlin realized he was standing while everyone else was sitting at the table. He blushed bright red before taking his seat, the one he used to sit in every day until he turned eighteen and left his mother's home faster than some would've thought. He threw the chair next to his mother's a glance, sorrow filling him at the thought that Balinor would never sit there again.

"So, how have you been Merlin?" He turned his gaze to see his mother seeing the sadness hidden within them. He reached out taking her hand for a moment.

"I've been good, ma." She smiled before she got up to grab the food. Arthur went to follow her, but she shook her head.

"I've got it dear." Arthur frowned but sat back down. He looked over at Merlin, seeing the same sadness in his eyes, but it was so much more, much heavier than the one Hunith tired to hide.

"You okay, Merls?" Arthur asked, quietly.

"I'm fine. Just tired." It wasn't too big of a lie, he was kinda fine and he was tired. Arthur nodded but didn't say anything. He sipped his water, tapping his fingers against the table softly. He was still thinking about the bruises on Merlin's chest, neck, and jaw. He forced them from his thoughts when Hunith came back with a pan of enchiladas. Merlin's face lit up when he saw it and in that moment he was no longer a 23 year old race car driving champion, but the little kid he was years ago who would only eat enchiladas. Arthur grinned, sharing in his excitement.

"You did make my favorite." Merlin exclaimed, with a smile.

Arthur frowned, he hadn't seen a smile like that in a while on Merlin's face, a true, happy smile.

"Of course I made your favorite. I always do now. You're not here enough for me to make anything else." The smile slipped from Merlin's face as soon as it surfaced. He looked down, hiding his face from them.

"I'm sorry." He muttered, a knife twisting in his heart. He didn't visit so much because it hurt, once he got past the guilt. He was always waiting to see his father round a corner of the and was disappointed when he never came. Looking at his mother's happy face and know he was lying to her with every word he twisted. It was too much, the pain and the guilt. Too much.

"It's okay, sweetheart. I just miss seeing you around here. I only ever see you at the races and then I didn't see you this time." she told him, softly, dishing out food for everyone.

"Speaking of that, where were you today, Merlin?" Arthur asked.

"I had to do some work at the office for Emrys." Merlin said, as he began to devour the food, the lie rolling off his tongue so easily. Hunith gave a soft smile as her son ate, it was like he never ate enough being so thin.

"Emrys. He's very good." Hunith said abruptly before Arthur could reply.

"You think so?" Merlin asked, very interested. She nodded.

"Yes. A tad bit risky but he won and didn't get hurt." Arthur nodded in agreement while Merlin shrugged. "Especially that gap. Oh, heavens I haven't seen someone pull a close one like that since your father." She added fondly. Merlin's head snapped up.

"I didn't think Dad raced that risky."

"Oh, but he did." A new voice added, a gravely and authority voice sounded behind Merlin, causing him to freeze for a moment.

"I guess I don't remember then, Mr. Pendragon."

"Please stop with the formalities, Merlin." Uther Pendragon, American racing champion, right beside Balinor.

"I forget sometimes." Merlin said. Uther just gave a chuckled.

"It's quite alright. I imagine that if you drove you'd be just like your father. Risky. Fast. Talented. Champion." Uther had no idea just how right he was. Merlin was all things, and then some.

"I'd hope not dead." Arthur said, breaking the silence. Uther turned his gaze to Arthur, taking in his son before giving him an affectionate pat on the shoulder before taking the empty seat beside Hunith. Merlin narrowed his eyes slightly and couldn't stop the frown from appeared on his face.

"I don't think I'd die if I raced." Merlin said easily.

"Please. Let's not talk about this." Hunith requested in a strained voice. Merlin's frown deepened but he let it drop.

"Emrys is very good though. I must admit. He had to be, in order to beat Arthur." Uther started as he made himself a plate. They all nodded in agreement. "Though, I think it will be a one time thing. I expect the European racer to not even make it to the final race." Merlin clenched his hand around his fork, knuckled going white. Arthur frowned at the action.

"He's not European." Merlin stated.

"If he's not, then why does he race on their circuit and not this one? At least until now." Uther asked. Merlin fought against the urge to let it all out, to get angry and tell them everything. But no, the timing was wrong. It had to be right.

"He finds them more challenging. They race dirtier and harder over there. You did see the way the other racer attacked him not only during the race but after, did you not?" Merlin asked, a hint of steel in his voice. Uther raised an eyebrow.

"I did. The man who hides behind a helmet. What does he have to hide?" The truth, everything. Merlin didn't answer, merely shrugging in response. He leaned back in his chair, ribs protesting but Merlin refused to allow himself to hold his chest, it would give to much away, while his mother and Arthur may be a tad bit blind, Uther was not.

Arthur frown even more at Merlin-he was doing a lot of that tonight- Merlin never got caught up in the conversations about racing nor did he only eat two enchiladas. Hunith noticed as well and they shared a look from across the table.  
"Know him well do you?" Uther questioned.

"I'd like to think so." Merlin replied easily. It was like a verbal tennis match, one where Hunith and Arthur looked back and forth.

"Why does he hide?" Uther pressed.

"He has his reasons."

"Like what?"

"They aren't mine to share."

"What does the man look like then?" Merlin shook his head.

"Can't share that either." Uther frowned, it seemed that Merlin had won.

"What a weak man. Too scared to reveal himself. Has to hide, what kind of man is that?" Merlin's eyes widened a fraction and the tips of his larger than normal ears, reddened.

"Excuse me for a moment." Merlin said, pushing his chair away from the table and leaving the room without waiting for a reply. The front door opened and closed, leaving Uther, Arthur, and Hunith alone on silence.

"Did I say something wrong?" Uther asked, shocked by the sudden events.

"Merlin works close with Emrys and takes to heart what people say. Hell the whole reason Emrys raced was because I boasted at beating him." Arthur snapped, angry at his father. "I'll go talk to him."

~

Merlin took a few shaky breaths. 'What if he's right? Am I a coward?' He asked himself automatically reaching for a cigarette. He heard the door open behind him and pulled his hands back, his mother didn't know he smoked and he wanted to keep it that way. Merlin didn't turn from his seat on the porch steps, legs stretched out before him.

"You okay, Merls?" Arthur asked sitting beside the man, noticing his ears still red from what he presumed to be anger.

"Fine. I jut can't take it when people bash on him for that." Merlin stated. He couldn't. Every hit was another push on the knife that already laid deep within his heart.

"I get it." Merlin wanted to laugh. Of course Arthur didn't. No one did, really. Not even Gwaine or Lancelot.

"It'll be alright one day." Merlin sighed. Arthur looked at his friend, the man he cared so deeply for, sadly. Arthur could see how much it ate at him, what the people said.  
"Don't let it get to you." Arthur added. Merlin gave a dry smile.

"I'll work on it. I'm gonna go. As much as I love dinner with you and my mom and the enchiladas, I can't sit there with your father, in HIS chair." Talking about how cowardly Merlin was, of course Uther didn't know he was talking about Merlin, but the dark-haired man couldn't take it while Uther sat in Balinor's chair.

"I understand." And Arthur did, understand that at least. He knew what it was like to not have a parent, hit mother died when he was real little from some disease.

"I'll go with you." Merlin shook his head.

"This dinner is for you. Mom always make them when you race. I'm just gonna walk home." Merlin told Arthur as he stood up, pulling his jacket closer. Arthur looked at him for a moment. Merlin was right. He always was. Sighing he followed Merlin back inside, not exactly looking forward to finish dinner without Merlin.

"I'm going to go, ma. I need some sleep." Arthur took that moment to look at Merlin, seeing the dark circles under his eyes. 'Why didn't I notice those either?' Arthur asked himself angrily. 'What else have I missed? Gwaine, the bruises, the lack of sleep.' He was more out of touch with Merlin's life than he realized.

"You do. Here, I made you a take home." Merlin smiled softly before giving his mother a hugh and a kiss on the forehead. Arthur thought back to the one HE had received from Merlin, a small smile gracing his lips.

"Thanks, ma. I love you." Hunith smiled sadly as Merlin released her, taking the large bowl in both hands.

"I love you too, Merlin. See you at the next race?" She questioned. Merlin smiled slightly.

"Maybe." Arthur frowned. Why wouldn't Merlin come to the next race? Merlin gave his mother one last hug, a nod to Arthur and a cold, small incline of his head to Uther before walking back out the front door.

"Well, let's finished dinner. I also have dessert." Hunith said, pulling out a cake before taking her seat again and motioning for Arthur to do the same as they tired to ignore Merlin's empty seat.

~

Merlin tucked the bowl under his arm as he pulled out a cigarette, thankful for the relief it gave as soon as he inhaled. He needed to quit, he really did, but he couldn't. Not yet. After the last race he decided. That was the deadline for everything it seemed. Merlin continued walking away form his childhood home. He wasn't going home, oh no. He had a different destination in mind. His tattoo was in need of a touch up and maybe just an addition, and he had an old friend to see.


	5. The Worry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, next chapter. It's a bit shorter than the previous ones but it gives the necessary insight and helps pave the way for the following chapters. Anyway, here it is, hope you like and all that.

Merlin strutted into the tattoo parlor like he owned the place. "I'm here to see Will." The humble looking woman with black hair and soft but bright blue eyes who sat behind the front desk, looked up from her magazine to gaze at him briefly.

"Do you have an appointment?" She drawled, looking back down and shifting in her seat.

"No, but-" She interrupted him.

"Then I'm sorry, but you'll have to make an appointment. Thank you, come again when you've done that. Number is on the desk." She told him, pointing down to the number in scrawled black letters at the appointment desk. As she finished her sentence a man around Merlin's age came out to the front room, grinning when his eyes found Merlin. Merlin returned it when he saw Will, the stockier and shorter friend from Merlin's youth. His blue eyes, sparkling with mischief as he pushed his brown hair out of his face.

"Merlin! I swear your ears have gotten bigger since I saw you last!" He joked, pulling Merlin in for a hug. "Are those your mom's enchiladas?" He asked, hopeful, when he spotted the bowl under the thing man's arm.

"The only ones I eat." Merlin stated, returning his friends smile. He liked Will, because Will didn't ask him questions and Will didn't care as long as Merlin came back with all ten fingers and ten toes.

"I told him to make an appointment, Will." Will, turned a shocked gaze to the girl. Did she not witness the their hug just a moment ago? Obviously Merlin was important to him, he didn't just hug every person who comes through his tattoo shop.

"Freya, Merlin doesn't need an appointment. I've always got time for a friend." Friend, Freya looked up sharply at him. Not only was Will lacking in friends but he never deviated from his appointments. He was always so proud of that fact.

"Are you sure?" She asked, giving Merlin a skeptical look. That's when she saw, really saw Merlin. He was handsome. All angles and everything. He was tall, lean but his eyes. They were beautiful, holding so much thought and so much pain hidden deep inside. He looked gorgeous, the high cheekbones, the large ears, the blue eyes, black as night hair. It was enough to make any woman swoon.

He blushed under her gaze, obviously understand what her thorough over look meant and just what she was doing. "I wouldn't try, dear Freya. He's as gay as they come." She frowned for a moment before a small fire graced her face and Merlin determined that she was a pretty woman and perfect for Will.

"They all are." She teased. Yes, she was perfect for him.

"Hey! I'm not gay!"He exclaimed, making Merlin smile.

"As cute as it is to see you two flirt, I'm actually here for something. I might even share my enchiladas with you." Freya blushed at his comment and Will raised an eyebrow.  
"What can I help you with?" Merlin smiled as he rolled up his sleeve, exposing his right arm and his tattoo further.

"It needs a touch up. And I want another one, going up my forearm." Merlin said. "If you're up to it. I can always go to another shop and leave you two to flirt away." He shrugged, leaning against the desk, raising an eyebrow in challenge.

"Oh, I can do it. But you're giving me some of that food." Will stated as he motioned for Merlin to follow him. Merlin set the bowl down and settled in a chair, arm stretched out.

"You want it the same?" Merlin nodded, shuddering in something close pleasure as he heard the machine start up. Will shook his head, a small bit of worry crossing his features before he smoothed them out with a small grin and started on the new dragon.

~

Hunith sat down with a warn cup of tea and played the recording of the race from earlier that day. This recent race was different than any of the other races she had been to since Balinor had ceased to race, but she pushed the memory of her husband's death from her mind to focus on the replay. She watched, a crease forming between her eyebrows seeing Emrys race, her eyes focusing on him. He was the one who changed the entire dynamics of the the race, made the air still as he sat behind the wheel, made everyone jumpy and ready to move out of his way.

He raced like Balinor did, to the point he must have studied the now deceased racer to mimic his style and techniques. It was eerie. Emrys shot past others the same way, slipped through daring holes in a riskier fashion, he won with the same grace. If she didn't know better she'd say Emrys was her son, but Merlin didn't race. Her son simply did the public things and helped Kilgarrah promote the Dragon Lord Inc. racers.

Merlin. She frowned at the thought of her son. He was never really the same when Balinor died. He had lost a little of his light, the bulk of his innocence, the touch he once had with the world and those in it. Arthur helped Merlin from slipping into the dark hole many fall into with the loss of a parent but now it seemed Merlin was pulling away from him too. She never thought she'd see a day when Merlin and Arthur weren't close but apparently that day was this one. He missed Arthur's race, something he had never done in five years, to the point where he blew off one of the races he was supposed to be mingling with sponsors at just to be there for Arthur. 

Again, she thought Emrys had something to do with that. Merlin was close to that man who wore Balinor's colors and raced the way he did. It was evident by the way he so openly defended him in the heated discussion with Uther. It had almost bothered her, but she's seen him do the same thing when someone began to talk about Arthur.  
She hadn't seen Merlin leave a dinner early because of a discussion though. It pained her to see him leave. She hardly ever saw her son anymore. She understood it though, it did hurt to be in the house sometimes. Giving a sigh she turned off the TV, forcing her thoughts from Emrys and her son; she placed her empty cup in the sink and went to turn in for the night.

~

"Hey, Emrys had a good win today." Leon stated as he passed out the next round of drinks.

"Yeah. He keeps pulling close calls though. Makes me nervous." Gwaine replied, taking a large swing of his beer. He was normally a very carefree man and thus a carefree drunk, but some nights he drank away his sorrows and the source of those sorrows were also the source of his happiness: Merlin. It wasn't hard to figure out really, anyone who paid attention, meaning everyone except Arthur and Merlin, knew of course. They all saw Gwaine's feelings for the hidden racer. Sure he agreed with Merlin that it was a just sex relationship and it was, at least at first.

Then he begun to care deeply for the thin man. It was painful of course because he knew that his affection would not be returned because Merlin only held Arthur in his tightly locked up heart. Gwaine wished for things to be different but then Merlin wouldn't be Merlin.

Heaving a sigh, he ran his fingers through his hair before downing the rest of his beer and ordering another. He could get wasted tonight, and it wouldn't matter. Somethings just needed to drowned in alcohol.

~

"Is there something you need, Mr. Pendragon?" Elena, Uther's perky and occasionally annoying personal assistant asked as Uther called her late at night.

"Yes, I want any and all information you can get your hands on about the driver Emrys." There was something fishy about that man and he planned to find out what it was. No real man hid behind a mask, or in this case a helmet. It didn't matter if he had a reason, Uther was determined to unmask the man who beat his son with such ease.

What struck him odd though was how quick Merlin was to defend him. Merlin tended to stay away from racing talks and everything since his father had died but he hadn't let Uther get to far before jumping in and defending Emrys.

"Yes sir." Elena said as Uther ended the called, his fingers drumming along his steering wheel. He also had another motive for wanting to find out Emrys's true identity; he wanted to get him to sign with Camelot Racers. Having him sign with Uther's company would greatly increase their value and he would have the two best racers on American and European circuits under his banner.

~

"Merlin. What am I going to do with you?" Kilgarrah asked himself as he leaned back in his chair. He loved the boy, he did, but sometimes all he wanted to do was give him a smack upside the head. He had received a worried call from his mother, Hunith. She was worried about Merlin and she had reason to. He was getting reckless, the new races, the fights, the arguments. He was losing his grip, the one he so tightly held onto.

Kilgarrah understood why Merlin made up a persona to race under, he didn't want his mother and friends to worry. Kilgarrah had been unsure himself, but it was what Merlin had wanted to do and he was willing to do anything for it. He had intense dedication, more than Arthur did and Arthur lived to race. The only thing Merlin was doing was actually making his family and friends worry and it all revolved around his secret and how unstable Merlin really was.

The boy didn't sleep willing anymore, unless it was because of pain pills or sleeping pills. Kilgarrah and Gwaine alone knew Merlin still suffered from the nightmares that had begun to plague him after his father's death. Merlin didn't sleep as much anymore, he didn't smile as often anymore or as brightly. It hurt the old agent to see Merlin as such but there was little he could do. Well, he could push Merlin and push he would.

"Merlin. I have your schedule for the next week. You need to work on your publicity and that starts with the Racers Charity Dinner. You'll need a new suit." The man gave a small groan on the other line but agreed with Kilgarrah. Yes, this would be a way to get Merlin ready. He knew about Merlin's deadline, he was done hiding but if he wanted to face the world as himself, he would have to be ready and this would be the first step to helping him prepare him. And Merlin would need every bit of help he could get.

~

Merlin, his thoughts were always about Merlin. His tall, thin but muscular, friend. That word was bitter in his mouth and tastes like dust, but he deals with it. He doesn't like it but he deals with it. He can't live without Merlin, so he takes what he can get. So he doesn't push Merlin like he should. Arthur couldn't handle the rejection from him, nor even the thought of rejection from him. Merlin.

Arthur gave a dry chuckled as he finished toweling off his hair before climbing into bed as he slipped on a T-shirt. One day he hoped to be able to hold Merlin in his arms while they lay in bed and then wake up the next morning to Merlin in his arms. He hopes that one day Merlin could return his affection so openly instead of in private, like he knew Merlin did. That Arthur could do the same.

But hopes were for fools most times and Arthur hated being a fool before all else. So he just closed his eyes and let the fool part of him, hope and dream, for a time when he wouldn't be a fool and could hold Merlin in his arms. That would be the day, he only wished that if it happened, it would be soon.


	6. The Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is a doozy and I forgot just how much. And i feel the need to warn you guys about it because it's the right thing to do and I don't want to accidentally trigger anyway. So, um, there is a bit of adult content and then there are mentions of suicide and pill taking so if that is gonna be bad for you just don't read and wait for the following chapter. Aside form that, this chapter is a little rough so please just go with me on it.

"So I have to go to a tailor, to get a suit for this? Why haven't I been to one of these before? Do I really have to go?" Kilgarrah gave his godson a small smile as Merlin spun in a chair. It was moments like these that the older man loved, seeing Merlin full of life and happiness and blatant curiosity; it warmed it heart.

"Yes you have to go to a tailor. And you haven't been to one of these because you've never needed to. You need to now. I know you donate a lot of money anyway, but this is different. You need to show that Emrys is here to stay in the Albion Trials and plans to make his presence heavily known in not only his races but his work. You've always been covert about your donations and your funding, but you're an American driver now. And American drivers try to out do one another and try to have either the biggest stick or do the most." Merlin grinned at the man's choice of words.

"Alright. Alright. I'll go. Can I have the schedule?" He asked holding out his hand. He looked it over once Kilgarrah handed it to him, a frown appearing on his face.  
"This doesn't leave much time for training." He stated.

"No, it doesn't, but you need to do the job you say you're doing since Emrys cannot. You need to get out there and make you name heard, Merlin. This is how you do it. Or do you expect an old man like me to keep up with everything?" Kilgarrah asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Not the Gauis eyebrow." Merlin complained. The Gauis eyebrow was the known action of Merlin's old teacher, Merlin was home-schooled in a sense to be around his father more often, who happened to be very close to Kilgarrah. This meant that the two often met up and talked about the one thing they had in common: Merlin and the trouble he causes. Kilgarrah just smiled and Merlin couldn't help but return it.

"Don't worry your gray head. I'll do everything I'm supposed to. Promote Emrys and donate money. Then I'll make sure I'm prepared for the Iowa race and then the California one." Kilgarrah nodded as Merlin left his office a bounce in his step. It was nice to see Merlin smiling easily and happily. The gray man knew it had to do with seeing his old friend Will and getting another tattoo, thought the boy didn't really need another one, but what made him happy and didn't cause any serious physical or mental damage was enough to make him smile and be glad that Merlin was smiling too. He only wished he saw it more often, but Merlin didn't need any more of those things on his body in Kilgarrah's mind to get there.

~

"Are you certain it needs to be this tight?" Merlin asked as he stood in the tailor's shop, a grinning Morgana across from him. Merlin figured if anyone knew a good place to get good clothes, it was Morgana and she'd make sure Merlin didn't do anything stupid and got clothes that were worthwhile.

"Yes. You have to dress to impress, Merlin. You can do that by wearing a nice and well-fit suit; men and women will be throwing themselves at you." She told him with an eyebrow raised , making the man blush.

"If you say so, Morgana." She nodded and uncrossed her legs before moving to the center of the room to stand beside him.

"You'll look great Friday and you'll make an impression." She told him firmly, thinking of not only Merlin but of her brother, Arthur. Merlin nodded knowing there was no reason to argue with Morgana. The woman was a clothing guru, if how she dressed was any indication; tight clothes that flattered the dark haired beauty and the fact that she always wore the right colors. So, Merlin knew to just nod and let her do her magic and gave her his credit card when it was time to pay up. Literately.

~

Merlin pulled up in his 'Emrys' car, slipping out of the front seat smoothly and tossing the keys to the valet. He hadn't really been looking forward to the Drivers Charity Dinner, he preferred to do things behind the scenes, but he knew this was different and that things were changing and so must he.

"Merlin Ambrosias!" His name was screamed by the press and the people talking to everyone on the, what Merlin liked to call, wanna be red carpet. That's what his father had called it and it stuck with Merlin. So plastering a small smile on his face, he made his way over to one of the so called reporters, hands in his pants pockets.

"Merlin Ambrosias, I must say, I never expected to see you here." Merlin gave her a fake smile and a shrug.

"I normally don't attend these things, but this time is different." He said with ease, using the lines he went over with Kilgarrah beforehand in order to not slip up. Merlin wasn't allowed to slip up, he'd made to many already.

"And why is that?" She smiled too much and leaned in too close in her revealed dress but Merlin tolerated it anyway, she wasn't exactly his type.

"I'm here as representative for Emrys." The world seemed to focus in on him and him alone.

"So you really are back in the racing business." She stated. Merlin grinned. 'You have no idea.' 

"I am. Well, in a way, in the sense of spokesperson and handler for Emrys. He needs to be represented here tonight and it is my job to do things like this for him because he cannot be here himself." Camera flashed went off by the dozens and Merlin couldn't help but wince at the sudden brightness. He turned to see what cause it and immediately frowned, a small tug on the knife in his heart. Arthur had arrived and not alone.

"You're close to Arthur Pendragon, are you not?" The report asked. Merlin gave a tight smile and a nod.

"How do you feel about his recent loss to Emrys." Merlin gave a slightly darker grin.

"I think he lost with grace and personally, I believe Emrys to be the better racer, he just needs to get his head back in the game." Merlin replied before moving on. He caught Arthur's eye, seeing the blonde man blanch as he noticed Merlin.

He didn't know Merlin was going to be there. Merlin wasn't supposed to be there.

Merlin gave him a level look before continuing inside and away from the crowds, who were no doubt wondering what the shared look meant. Merlin knew Arthur's date hadn't liked it but the way he wrapped his arm more possessively around Arthur's waist. Merlin couldn't help but give an eye roll as he moved inside.

"I'll be right back." Arthur told his date quietly as he moved to find Merlin. He needed to explain to Merlin, but how? Owaine was a good man and not a fling but not a boyfriend. How could be explain that to Merlin

~

Merlin leaned his forearms against the railing of the first balcony he found, forcing down his anger and his hurt. But what did he expect though? He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair; a habit he had picked up as he hair grew longer and he dealt with more stress than he would have liked. The door opened behind him and Merlin had to stop himself from turning around.

"I figured I'd find you here. You always did come to balconies when you wanted to get away." Arthur. Of course it was Arthur. Arthur always seemed to find him when all he wanted was a moment of silence.

"Yeah. And you always followed me." Merlin replied, biting back his anger at the blonde man. He could practically feel his frown.

"I-" Merlin shook his head and interrupted the other man.

"Don't apologize to me for bringing a date. You should only do that if we were in a relationship or something or if you felt bad, but you shouldn't feel bad. We aren't in a relationship or something, so you don't get to apologize." Merlin told him quietly, turning around to face Arthur. He looked shocked by Merlin's interruption and hurt and then angry. Angry Arthur was never a good thing.

"We could be. You know that Merlin. You do. And this is something, it's always something, always will be. You know that. You don't get to say things like that because you know it's a lie. There is something with us, God dammit Merlin!" Merlin bit his lips and shook his head, holding back his emotions and all the things he wanted to say. That damn lie.

"I'm not doing this with you tonight Arthur. Not tonight. You have a date here and I have things to do." Merlin cursed himself as he voice broke and he forcibly moved past Arthur and to where the dinner was actually going to be here, trying to ignore the frustrated yell Arthur gave.

Merlin walked into the ornate dinning room, shoving his hands into his pockets. He was assaulted by the large number of racers and open stares and he felt the sudden urge to go hide in a hole but settled for a drink instead and moved towards the fringe of the group. He hated this already and it hadn't ever started yet.

~

Arthur sighed heavily before straightening his jacket and going to the actual dinner. He smiled at the other racers and he automatically zeroed in on Merlin. He could see that Merlin was uncomfortable with the attention and he couldn't get away fro it. He was Balinor's son and Balinor was a legend, so Merlin was always given curious glances and the subject of hushed whispers about what Merlin would do and he hated it, everyone knew it. That's why Arthur wasn't to terrible shocked that Merlin had a drink in hand. The man wasn't exactly a lightweight, but the his body seemed to be with beer instead of hard alcohol, and avoided drinking as much as possible, unless he was uncomfortable and wanted to be able to handle whatever he had to go through. Arthur turned his attention to Owaine and tried to forget about Merlin even though it felt like he couldn't breathe.

~

"So, Merlin, what are you doing here? I never thought I'd see you here." Gili, a fellow racer, asked. He was an average driver and average looking; rounder face, warm blue eyes, and just an over all innocence.

"I'm here for Emrys." The entire table stilled at Merlin's words. They had sat down and were getting ready to eat and share what each racer had done and planned to do, but it all momentarily slipped away at Merlin's words.

"Emrys. The mystery driver." Merlin gave a tight smile at the racer who so boldly placed her distaste in the man in a simple sentence.

"Yes, Emrys. I'm surprised you didn't think he'd have someone here, he is a part of this series of races. I'm surprised you could forget about that. You ended up fourth, correct?"

Merlin asked the blonde racer, Morgause, who spoke up. Arthur was shocked as was she, Merlin wasn't normally one to talk like that or easily.

"True." She said tightly. "I was just surprised that he had someone here and that someone was you." Merlin looked down, a dark grin on his face.

"You're right. I don't race right now." He started and raised eyebrows flew around the room. "So until then, I'm here as representative for Emrys." There was a lot of meaning in his words.

"Are you seriously considering racing, Merlin?" Arthur asked, leaning forward and concerned. Merlin's eyes narrowed dangerously and he rolled up his shirt sleeves to stall the conversation a moment, Arthur's eyebrows raising even higher at the exposed skin.

"I am. I love racing, always have, and maybe it's time to stop letting his death stop me." Merlin stated, reaching out to grab another drink.

"When did you get the new tattoo?" Arthur asked, eyes narrowing in the same way.

"After the dinner at my mother's house." Merlin snapped before turning away from Arthur purposely.

"It is a nice piece of work." Gili stated and Merlin took a moment to actually look at it. The first one he got was a simple but detailed dragon, head reaching into the space between his thumb and forefinger, wings spanning across the back of his hand, body and legs covering his wrist, and tail wrapping around the first few inches of his forearm. The second dragon started where the first one ended, and spanned the majority of his forearm, stopping a few inches before his elbow. It was the same style, essentially the same dragon just bigger and with different eyes. The first one had blue and the second gold.

"Yeah. I guess it is." Merlin stated, a small frown on his face before he pushed it aside and continued talking to Gili for the rest of the night, doing his best to ignore Arthur and the pain intensifying in his chest.

~

Later on, when everyone was comparing sticks Merlin smiled to himself as he looked down at his drink, the third one that night. "So, Merlin what type of donations does Emrys go? I don't think I've heard about him and any donations." Owaine. The man seemed to be trying to get under his skin.

"Emrys does a lot of medical and school funding. He is also the founder and main financial supporter of the Druid scholarship." Merlin stated plainly. The Druid scholarship was a scholarship that helped students who were unable to go to college actually go, it was the scholarship everyone applied for. "He doesn't have much need for all the money considering he's a single man with no family so he gives it away to those who need it. He doesn't need the recognition or the spotlight. " Merlin added.

Arthur wanted to scoff and say that Emrys didn't have that much money but he saw the defiant and daring glint in Merlin's blue eyes that told him otherwise and he kept his mouth shut.

~

The dinner went downhill from there, at least in Arthur's opinion. Maybe it wouldn't have been quite as bad if Merlin wasn't flirting as like he was with Gili or if Owaine hadn't been as handsy and touchy so much that Arthur just pushed him away, telling him to stop. So he asked him to leave because Owaine was a good man and not a fling but not a boyfriend because that spot in the truth of things was that really, that spot was reserved for Merlin and probably always would be. During his argument Owaine and ordering him to leave, he lost track of Merlin and what bothered him more was that Gili was missing too.

So being the overly concerned friend he was, a lie he continually told himself, he went in search of Merlin. He moved towards the end of the fourth hallway he checked when he heard it. The more accurate term might possibly have been them. He heard lips moving against lips, clothing rubbing against clothing, and then the heavy breathing. The panting was almost enough to make him flee, but instead he found it in himself to look around the corner. If he were a weaker man, he would have run away, but Arthur was a stronger, albeit heart-broken, man than he realized.

There was Merlin with Gili. Merlin was cupping Gili's face with his long fingers resting on his cheeks and then the back of the shorter man's neck. Gili was pressed up against the wall, Merlin closed to him and the two were breathing hard and their faces were flushed.

"What's the matter, babe?" Gili asked, going in for another kiss but Merlin pulled back quickly, shaking his head.

"I-I can't do this. I can't. This isn't right. I'm... I'm so sorry." Merlin whispered before he spun on his heel and ran out past Arthur. Arthur was shocked to say the least, not only by the tears spilling from Merlin's eyes but by the reason Merlin was forcing himself away and fleeing from the dinner.

~

Jerry didn't really know what to do. He really didn't. Merlin had come bursting into the building, he wasn't supposed to be there that night, and ran out onto the track without a look back. Jerry knew that Merlin had obviously been drinking, his wobbled steps were evident of that, and that the lovable and caring man was in emotional distress. The tears showed that.

He couldn't stop Merlin from jerking on a helmet, starting his car, and heading down the track at a high speed, before the door was even closed, so Jerry did the next best thing. He called Gwaine because he knew what to do with Merlin, he always seemed to know what was up with the thin man and how to deal with it.

~

Gwaine hurried out on the track just in time to see something he wished he could erase from his mind. Merlin pulled his car to a skidding stop and all but fell out of the front seat as he opened the door. He roughly pulled his helmet off before standing up and looking at it. He had been crying, tear streaks going down his cheeks. Suddenly he gave a small run and hurled the helmet, launching it down the track with all his might.

It bounced. It rolled. It cracked, breaking the silence in the air. Merlin dropped to the ground and Gwaine rushed over, pulling the sobbing man into his arms and holding him out on the moonlit track.

"What am I doing, Gwaine? What am I doing this?" He sobbed. "Why am I lying to my mother and Arthur and everyone? Am I a coward? What's the point" He started hiccuping. "Why am I still here?" He asked in a broken voice. Gwaine tightened his arms around Merlin, rocking him back and forth.

Merlin was a broken man, this was just another piece of evidence ready to be filled away. Gwaine had knew Merlin was broken, but the thin man was good at hiding it. The last time it had really gotten to Merlin, really broke down the wall, Gwaine had found Merlin sitting on the edge of a hotel bed and in his hand were a handful of sleeping pills. He'd told Gwaine he just wanted to sleep. And sleep. And never wake up.

Once Gwaine had yelled and screamed and pushed the pills out of his hand and onto the floor, he held Merlin while the man cried and cried, just like he was now. So Merlin was broken. He'd been broken for a long time, but nobody had noticed, he was just that good at hiding it. He broke two years ago, broke like several others had broken before. He needed to heal and to do that he needed to win. He needed to beat them all and allow himself to finally take off the helmet and BE himself. Then he could have a chance to heal, a chance to put the pieces back into place, to be him, to be around his mother and to allow himself to love Arthur.

But until then, Gwaine would hold him while he cried and then carry him off to bed. Soon Merlin had done just that and Gwaine hoisted the thin man into his arms and walked back inside the office. He stopped for just a moment to readjust Merlin and talk to Jerry.

"Not a word. Not a single word." Jerry nodded and helped Gwaine put Merlin to bed on his couch, covering him with the extra blanket and stuffing a pillow under his head.  
"Soon." Gwaine promised the stout man as they gazed down at the seemingly peaceful Merlin, after they got past the tear streaks. Jerry just nodded and went back downstairs. 

"Soon." Gwaine repeated.

~

The next week was a hard one for Merlin. He still went out to the lunch and the weekly bar meet up, but he didn't talk as much with his friends, he didn't smile as much, he wasn't all there. Needless to say, everyone was a bit worried when they saw their normally lively friend, quiet and not eating. He just pushed his food around before abandoning it entirely.

"I'm going to go." he announced before grabbing his jacket and heading out of the bar. Everyone was shocked, but Gwaine and Arthur were obviously the most worried, frowns never leaving their faces as Merlin looked around the street emptily before pulling out a cancer stick and lighting it.

"Those things are going to kill him." Arthur muttered and everyone murmured their agreements.

"Does anyone know what's up with him? I was with him just two weeks ago, helping him get a suit for the charity dinner and he was smiling and laughing." Morgana asked, neatly plucked eyebrows pulled together in worry. "You saw him at the dinner, how was he?" She asked Arthur and immediately he felt his chest close up.

"He was fine for the most part. Drunk. I mean, making out with a guy against a wall drunk, but he ran out after that and I have no idea why. He was really upset at what he'd just done too." Arthur said, looking down as the memory resurfaced, refused to look at the pitying looks his friends were giving him.

"He went to the office after that and fell asleep on his couch." Gwaine added, leaving out the incident with the helmet throwing because it frightened him.

"I think that the anniversary of his father's death is getting to him, it's in a week or so." Lancelot pipped up and everyone seemed to share a wince. They had forgotten or at least pushed it back to their minds.

"And this year, the Albion Trails are racing on the same track he died on." Lance and Gwaine shared a heavy look.

"I'm going to go after him." Arthur said, throwing down some money and hurrying out to his car, he had a pretty good idea at to where Merlin was.

~

"I feel lost, Dad. I do. Like I'm not actually here anymore. I feel lost." Merlin whispered, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck. He was at his father's grave again, there was a race in two days and he was leaving the morning before, so he wouldn't be there to have his talk with his father the day before the race like he normally did. But this time, he wasn't kneeling down and he wasn't asking his dad to be proud, or at least not yet. He was sitting at the edge of his grave like it was his father's bed and he was sitting on a plushy mattress instead of the cold, hard ground, talking to him.

"I just feel lost Dad. I want to tell them, I'm sick of lying and hiding. I want them to know and I want them to see me, as me. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I really don't." His voice broke and Merlin dropped his head, sobs going through his body. "I think it would just be easier if you were here." He added, bringing his hands up and clenching them in his hair.

"Merlin?" Arthur asked. He only caught the tail end of Merlin's words and approached with caution. Merlin looked up at him, tears falling, emotions running high.

Arthur sat down next to Merlin, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and bringing him closer. Merlin let his head rest on Arthur's shoulder.

"Hey, it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. It'll hurt less. One day." Arthur told him quietly and he felt Merlin nod.

"I wish that day was today." Merlin whispered, wishing that he could allow Arthur to sit there and hold him because they were together and he wasn't lying anymore. So he sighed and pulled away, scrubbing a hand over his face.

"Come on. Let's go get some food." Arthur said, bumping his shoulder against the black haired man.

"But we just had lunch." Merlin stated, confused.

"Yeah, but you didn't really eat. So come on, let's get some food in you. You're skin and bones." He teased and Merlin couldn't help but smile and allow Arthur to pull him up.

"Okay, but only because you asked so nicely." Merlin teased right back and followed Arthur to his car, shivering violently as the cold rain that just started hit his bare arms. Arthur shucked off his jacket and threw it around Merlin's shoulders before making him move faster to the car.

~

Gwaine handed Merlin his bag and followed the thin man off the small plane and to the car that was waiting. They were in Iowa for a race the next day and they, Merlin, decided to fly in the night before and be prepared beforehand. Merlin slid into the passenger side, head low. Gwaine frowned but sat in the driver's seat and drove to their hotel. Merlin was silent for the entire ride and moved limply up the stairs and to the shared hotel room.

He changed in silence and sat on the edge of his bed as he pulled out a bottle of sleeping pills. He studied them in his hand before opening the cap and shaking out two. He swallowed them with a drink of water before crawling under the sheets, without uttering a single word to Gwaine.

Gwaine didn't go to sleep, he knew better. Merlin got quiet and took the sleeping pills when the nightmares were the worst. So, he stayed awake. And it was good he did.  
Merlin clenched his sheets, knuckles going white and tears leaking out of his scrunched up eyes. Gwaine pulled back the covers and slipped into the bed, pulling Merlin close to him, wrapping his arms tightly around Merlin to stop the shaking and the tears and the gasps of pain and whimpers.

"It's going to be okay, Merlin. It's going to be okay." He whispered, slipping into the simple routine. He always held Merlin when the nightmares hit and then when they awoke the next morning, Merlin would go out there and race and probably never stop to think that maybe he was hurting Gwaine just a little bit. All he did was say thank you and move on, sometimes it hurt, but sometimes it was better that way.

~

"I'm sorry, Gwaine." Merlin whispered as soon as Gwaine woke up the next morning, fingers gripping Gwaine's shirt tightly. "I'm sorry." He repeated, voice breaking as his grip intensified.

"It's alright Merlin." Gwaine told him

"No it's not. It's not okay. This is not okay. It's never been okay." Merlin said, knuckles going white again before he released his grip on his friend's shirt.

"What are you talking about Merlin?" Gwaine asked, confused, but Merlin wouldn't look up at him, instead he stared down at his hands.

"I'm talking about how I hurt you Gwaine. I may be oblivious sometimes, but I know I hurt you. I know I'm part of the reason you drink as much as you do. I hurt you and I hate it." Merlin whispered.

"It's fine Merlin." Gwaine insisted. Merlin shook his head and gave a dry laugh.

"No. No it's not. I hurt you all the time and then things like this happen and what happened after the dinner and you're there to pick up the pieces. You help try to help put them back and then I get up and leave with barely a thank you. I hurt you in other ways too and I'm sorry. I wish I could do something but all I can do is say I'm sorry because I can't do anything." Merlin told him firmly, finally looking up to meet Gwaine's concerned gaze.

"So, I'm sorry." He repeated and Gwaine was shocked. Merlin looked broken, he did, but he looked determined. Gwaine pressed his lips to Merlin's forehead before he pulled himself out of the bed.

"It's okay Merlin. I'd do it every time. So get your sorry ass up so you can go out there and win this race. So then you can do something. Something for you." Gwaine told him and Merlin chuckled before getting up. There it was. Everything was on the table. Gwaine knew Merlin could never return his feelings, but Gwaine would help the racer heal. Then when he was healed, he could be with Arthur, and Gwaine could be okay with that. Because then he could move on and heal himself.

~

Merlin zipped up his jacket and double checked his gloves before grabbing his helmet. He stared at it for a moment before pulling it on. Gwaine looked at him intently.

"You ready for this?" He asked. Merlin nodded.

"Don't let Arthur near me. I don't want to talk to him today. I keep slipping up and a good part of it is because of him. I don't want to be anywhere near him before the race." Merlin stated as he tightened the laces on his shoes. Gwaine nodded, understanding what the man wanted.

"Let's go." Merlin said with a nod, before opening the garage door and heading out onto the track, doing his best to ignore the screaming crowds. He walked with his head down, ordering himself to breathe.

"Go away, Arthur." Gwaine almost growled but Merlin refused to look up.

"I just wanted to say hello to him and wish him good luck." Arthur said, confused.

"He doesn't want to talk to you. He specifically asked that you didn't come near so please go away." Gwaine murmured. Merlin knew Arthur would be hurt, but he didn't look up, he just moved past him head down to his car. He wasn't going to slip up. He wasn't going to let Arthur in his head today. He was going to win and then sleep. Sleep sounded nice. He patted the car's hood, a small smile on his face.

"I don't feel quite as lost anymore." He whispered as he settled in his seat and buckled himself in. Merlin rested his hands against the steering wheel, a sense of tranquility washing over him. He didn't feel lost behind the wheel of a car. It was nice. 

~

Arthur watched Emrys, shocked. He wanted to wish him luck, yes, but he wanted to ask about Merlin. He wanted to make sure that he was okay. He gave Gwaine a dark look before moving away and violently pulling his helmet on and getting ready for the race. He had a feeling about this race, a feeling he didn't like.

~

The race started and no one was ready for Emrys, no one. He played it safe the practice lap, sitting next to Morguase until they waved the flag and the lap was over. He slammed on the gas and startled a few of the racers into moving. He pulled through their gaps, maneuvering around them until he was in the lead and steadily pulling ahead. Merlin relaxed into his seat and just let his insticts take over. He wasn't thinking, he was acting and reacting. He was breathing in the race, taking in the high, the rush, and he was living off that joy. That wholeness that filled him as he snapped around corners and swerved around the track. This, this is what he lived for.

~

"What. The. Hell. Just. Happened?!" Arthur asked as he moved frantically to catch up.

"I don't. I don't know Arthur. I really don't know. One second he was beside Morgause the next everyone freaked and he was in first."Leon stuttered as he watched Emrys go by wide-eyed. "Wow." Arthur clenched his jaw and tightened his grip on the wheel.

"Just keep me updated." He hissed before forcing himself to block out all the distractions. He had a race to win, a race he hoped Merlin was watching. He'd have to ask him later when they went to dinner with Hunith. Apparently there was this restaurant in Iowa that they went to when Balinor was still alive and raced.

~

"Time to pit, Merlin." Gwaine grumbled through the headset. Merlin didn't reply, simply followed the instructions. This race was like the other ones, the European ones. He was able to move without thought, he could slip past others without calculating it, he didn't let Arthur cloud his thoughts.

"Do you want an update?" Gwiane asked as Merlin pulled back onto the track with ease.

"No." Merlin started. "It'll only distract me." Gwaine nodded in understanding even though he couldn't see it and kept silent as he watching Merlin race incredibly and the others struggle to catch up. It was slightly amusing, everyone seemed to be grasping at straws to catch up but they couldn't seem to. Merlin had this on in the bag. There were no super risky moves that had Gwaine biting his lip in apprehension, there were no mistakes, there was nothing wrong. It was a simple and easy race that Merlin owned.

~

"You did it, M!" Gwaine shouted. Merlin grinned and heaved himself out of the car, pausing at the sudden rush of senses that slammed into him. The sounds of the cars still going, the tires squealing as they turned as fast as possibly, the smell of the brunt rubber and the oil burning in the engines, the purr of the cars. This is what he loved. How could he ever step away?

"You did it, M. It was a flawless race man! Way to go!" Gwaine shouted pulling Merlin into a hug. Merlin smiled as he walked up to get the rather useless award in his mind, it was all about the race and later the ring, not the trophy.

~

Arthur stopped Merlin on the way to his garage. "That was amazing, I must admit. Just amazing." Arthur said, clapping his hard on the shoulder causing the thinner man to stumble. Merlin just nodded.

"I know that I don't know you very well, and I'm not all that fond of you, you are an amazing racer and thus my enemy of sorts, but Merlin Ambrosias," Merlin froze and stared at Arthur, all praise forgotten. What did Arthur want? What did he know? "I know you two work closely, is he okay? I haven't seen him a whole lot and I'm worried about him." Merlin's heart swelled against his orders and he found himself smiling like an idiot behind his helmet.

"He's fine, just working through things." Merlin replied gruffly in his 'Emrys voice' before removing Arthur's hand from his shoulder and making his way back to his garage, a weight lifting from his shoulders. The door was closed before he took his helmet off this time.

~

Arthur tugged on his jacket sleeve as he waited for Merlin with Hunith. They were at the restaurant, waiting for the big eared fool to hurry up and show already.

"Merlin's never been late. This was always his favorite place to eat." Hunith said, her hands wringing as she talked.

"I'll call him." Arthur told her, touching her hands briefly before going outside and fishing out his phone.

"Dammit Merlin! Pick up the fucking phone." It rang a few more ties before it clicked and the phone connected.

"Hello?" A groggy voice questioned.

"Merlin! Dammit, where are you?!" Arthur practically yelled.

"Please stop yelling. I'm at home, sleeping. Or at least I was." He muttered.

"You're at home?! Merlin, I'm with Hunith in Iowa at your supposed favorite place to eat." Arthur snapped. He couldn't believe it. Merlin was supposed to be at dinner in Iowa, not at him in bed.

"What? I don't remember agreeing to dinner. I cam home right after the race, I told you that right? I thought I did." Merlin stated slowly, obviously confused.

"You obviously didn't. And now I get to tell your mother you won't be at dinner." Arthur snapped before ending the call and walking back inside, schooling his features. "Merlin said he's not going to make it." Arthur told Hunith softly, trying to ignore the hurt look in her eyes that must have mirrored his.

"But Merlin never misses dinner." She whispered and Arthur nodded.

"I know, but he's missing this one."

~

Merlin gave a frustrated groan before he blindly reached for his sleeping pills. He couldn't handle this right now, not his mother, not Arthur, not damn dinner plans. He just wanted to sleep. So he swallowed the pills and curled back up, ignoring the guilt, the pain, and just drifted back off into oblivion, hoping the nightmares stayed away.


	7. The Terror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got bored and decided to post again. I might put another one up later.

"Arthur, shut up! I can't hear what the announcer is saying." A thirteen year old Merlin complained to his friend. Arthur, also thirteen, sighed and slumped back down in his seat.

"He says the same thing every time, I don't get why you actually listen." He complained but went silent all the same. Merlin and Arthur were sons of racers which meant they were at all the races and the commentary was essentially the same. Merlin, all bones and long awkward limbs, sat forward in his seat, black hair messy, blue eyes bright with excitement and anticipation all the same. While, Arthur who was a stockier boy, a tad bit taller than his twig of a friend, blonde hair nice and prim, his own blue eyes bored and beginning to glaze over, as he slumped in his seat a little more.

Arthur wasn't quite as into racing as Merlin was. He liked it, maybe even loved it, but not like Merlin. Merlin was at every race, he watched the European ones too, he knew technique names and styles. Merlin was a racer, through and through.

"What happened while I was gone, baby?" Hunith asked as she sat back in her seat. She was a nice lady and Merlin's mom. Sometimes Arthur felt jealous that Merlin had both a mom and a dad, but really, he was curious as to what having a mom was like.

"Dad got blocked by Agravaine. And Uther is still two places back." Merlin stated in robotic tone. Arthur frowned but sat back up, his sister Morgana giggling at his actions. He gave her a glare and Hunith just chuckled. Merlin suddenly leaned forward in his seat and tugged on his mother's sleeve.

"Mom, something's wrong with Dad's car." Merlin told her, fear written in his eyes

"It'll be okay sweeite, his car is fine. He'll go through it whatever it is and it'll be fine. You'll see." She reassured him. Merlin frowned, but took her words to heart and nodded.  
A few laps later and suddenly there was screeching, and Balinor's car was swerving out of control and crashing into the wall.

"No!" Merlin screamed as he moved through the stands, trying to get to his father. He knew something was wrong, he did, and he didn't do anything because they thought it would be okay. It was always okay, when Balinor lost control for a moment. A pair of arms wrapped around the small boy, holding him back.

"You can't go down there right now, Merlin." Hunith whispered, picking her son up, even though he was too big for it in reality and heading to where she could get answers. She was also shielding Merlin from the ambulances and people trying to help, swarming her husband and Merlin's father.

"Morgana, Arthur, stay here. I'll be right back." She told the other two children before walking off with the terrified Merlin clutching at her shirt. She didn't care that Merlin was too tall and too old to be carried and cradled like a small child, her baby needed her and that's all that mattered. When Merlin was frightened he reverted back to a small child because he was unsure of what to do in those moments when someone was in high distress.

"Where is he?" She demanded to the officials who flocked around her as she sent Merlin down, who still clung to her shirt.

"We had to get him to a hospital as soon as possible, so he is in the ambulance on his way there as we speak." Hunith paled.

"Which one? Tell me!" She yelled, Merlin's grip tightening.

"The Santa Monica one. We'll send you and your son over in a car." The official told her before ushering her and Merlin to the car he had already prepared for them.

"Wait, I need to get Arthur and Morgana, I'm supposed to be watching them." Hunith said, remembering the other two children she had left in the stands. "Stay right here, Merlin. I'll be right back." Merlin wanted to beg her to stay there, where he could see her, but he nodded and gripped the hem of his T-shirt. She would be okay, she wouldn't get into an accident while she was gone. He couldn't believe it, everything was supposed to be okay. His dad was supposed to be in the race, winning, not on his way to the hospital. He could feel the tears, starting to well up in his eyes, and he tried to blink them back.

His mom reappeared moments later with Morgana and Arthur in tow and herded them into the car. Hunith pulled Merlin into her lap, whispering soothing words and he curled in on himself, silently crying.

~

The hospital was white and quiet, empty. Merlin curled up in his chair, staring blankly at the wall, tears flowing silently down his face. This was bad, he knew it was bad. He knew it.  
"I should have said something." Merlin whispered and Hunith ran her hand across his head.

"It's not your fault baby. We thought it was going to be okay, you didn't know he would crash a few laps later." Merlin didn't say anything. He saw the way the tires were dragging and the way the car seemed to be sputtering even at a distance but he had hoped it was nothing and his father would fix it.

The race was over and Uther had joined them at the hospital, an arm around each of his children. Balinor was rushed into surgery as soon as he arrived and they hadn't seen him since. A man in blue scrubs and coat came walking out and Hunith straightened immediately, hoping for good news.

"We were able to stop the bleeding and set all his bones and cleaned him up." He paused.

"But?" Merlin asked quietly and the man's face softened.

"He's not going to make it past the night, the brain damage was too much and the internal organs suffered to much to keep him alive. I'm sorry." He told them quietly.  
"Can we see him?" Hunith asked him. The man hesitated but after seeing Merlin, eyes wide and filled with even more silent tears, the poor boy was trembling.

"Family only." He said, slightly shocked when only Merlin and Hunith rose and waited for him to lead the way.

Merlin started to sob as he walked into the room and saw his father. Balinor was hooked up to various machines that beeped out loudly and angrily in the otherwise silent room. Hunith gripped Balinor's hand, the tears she held back so valiantly, finally falling. The two continued crying, Merlin's sobs increasing in sound before he crawled into the hospital bed.

"Please wake up dad. Please wake up." He whispered over and over again, curling up into his father's side . "I should have said something. I'm sorry. Please wake up." Hunith ran her other hand over Merlin's head again.

"It wasn't your fault baby. It wasn't your fault." Merlin shook his head, he was a typical child, blaming himself for things he couldn't control. He soon fell asleep next to Balinor, his fingers gripping his hospital gown tightly.

Balinor died while Merlin was asleep. The people there tried to save him, like they're supposed to, but it was a lost cause, he was just too far gone. When the beeping started slowly and the machine began to drop off and they hurried in, pulling Merlin off the bed and handing him off to Hunith so they could try to save Balinor like they were supposed to. The beeping, the erratic beeping, before slowing and falling out had already started when Merlin woke up, groggily rubbing his eyes.

"Dad? Dad! Please don't go! Please! Wake up!" He screamed and Hunith held him closer, her heart breaking at not only Balinor's dropping off but at Merlin's reaction.

"Please." He whispered one last time as the monotone continued, blaring out into the silence. Merlin clung to Hunith, the tears falling quickly as she led him away, her own tears flowing silently. They moved back into the waiting room and Merlin collapsed in a chair, pulling his knees up to his chest.

Arthur watched Merlin crumble, normally he would tease him about crying but this was not a teasing time. Over the last few years, Merlin had grown out of his cry at just about everything phase and only really let it loose when something terrible happened or if it was a bodily reaction. Arthur pulled Merlin down from his chair and onto the floor, wrapping his arms around his distressed friend. Merlin turned into Arthur and cried into his shoulder.

Arthur kinda knew what it was like to lose a parent, he didn't actually remember it or really lose it like Merlin was right now when his mother died, he was too young when she died to really remember her, except a memory of her smiling. So he held onto his best friend and tried to help him work through the pain he was feeling.

Uther held Huntih as she cried, slightly uncomfortable. He watched Arthur do the same with Melrin, over her shoulder and he felt what little of his heart he had left after a life of terrible occurrences, warm and eventually melt at the sight. The two were close friends, but while their actions were innocent now, it could and most likely would lead to more later in life. He'd be surprised if Arthur and Merlin didn't end up with one another later in their lives.

"It's going to be okay, Hunith. It's always going to hurt, but it will get better. Right now though, you need to be there for Merlin, because the next part is even harder."

~

The funeral was a week later, back in Oregon. Merlin stood beside his mother, dressed smartly, staring straight ahead, trying to ignore the tears he could feel slipping. They had lowered his father down already and now they were piling on the dirt. After they had finished, he pressed a hand to the ground, his mother not bothering to chide him for the fact that he was getting his damp dirt of suit pants.

"I'll make you proud, I promise." he whispered, feeling an arm wrap around his shoulders. Arthur. He never left Merlin's side since the accident and Merlin was grateful, really, he couldn't have been able to handle it without his best friend. Merlin traced the dragon engraved on the black stone in gold. Merlin had practically demanded that there was a dragon on his headstone and Hunith had conceded after a moment's hesitation, she knew about Merlin and Balinor's shared fondness of dragons so she let him have this one last thing. Merlin walked away, head down with Arthur by his side each looking much older than thirteen-year-olds should. 

~

Merlin was on the track. The same track, every single time. He could never change it, he always ended up here no matter how hard he tried to force the location to change. This time though he was on the track instead of in the stands and he wasn't thirteen anymore, but 23. And Balinor wasn't the one in the car, it was Arthur. He had replaced Balinor, had for a while now and it seemed to make Merlin's pain even worse. He never thought that was possible.

There Arthur went, zipping past in a car that wasn't his and Merlin tried to run after him, screaming for him to stop. To get away from the car, to just stop. He screamed until he no longer heard his voice. Arthur crashed against the wall and Merlin lost it and collapsed, tears streaming down his face, screams ripping silently from his chest.

~

Merlin bolted upright, chest heaving with effort, shirt sticking to his chest with sweat. He cradled his head with his hands, shaking from the nightmare. The damn nightmare. It was there every night now, with the upcoming anniversary of Balinor's death and the races were eating at Merlin's subconscious.

"That's it. I can't do this. No more sleep." He told himself as he got up to make a pot of coffee. The pills weren't helping anymore, the making him exhausted wasn't helping, so he was done sleeping, he couldn't handle the nightmares, so he would avoid sleeping. Like he tended to do every year around this time. Merlin was pushed against the edge already, he didn't want to fall over. He couldn't fall over, because if he fell over, he might not make it back up. 

~

It was today. Ten years, today. Probably one of the darkest days in Merlin's life, the day his father died. It always rained on the anniversary. Merlin stood at the end of the grave, jacket collar turned up against the wind, the tips reaching up to his cheeks. No one realized that Merlin blamed himself in part for his father's death. He knew something was wrong with his car but he didn't say anything. He should have said something. He should have.

"I'm sorry dad. I really am. I'm racing on the track you died on soon. I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it, but I'm going to try. I am." Merlin whispered, setting down the bouquet of dragon flowers before he started walking out of the cemetery. He couldn't handle being there for a long period of time on that particular day, it wasn't a day to talk to him, to ask for advice and it made it all that much harder. He didn't see Hunith stare after him from where she stood, climbing out of her car.

She frowned after her son, even more so when she saw his profile. He was so sad looking, so broken. His black hair sticking to his head, rain sliding down his sharp but overly pale features. Merlin looked up at the sky, staring up into the unknown, a look of such longing and pain on his face. He pulled out his cigarettes and lit one before ducking his head and continuing on his way. Hunith felt her heart clench and she didn't know what could stop it, for once in her life she had no idea on how to help her baby. He seemed to be pushing everyone away, even Arthur. Merlin was lost and right now, and she was at a loss of how to help.

~

Merlin was beyond nervous. Gwaine had already taken his cigarettes away and was asking Merlin if he could handle this. This race was different, so utterly different. It wasn't everyday you raced on the track you watched your father die on. The track that made you learn everything you could about a car and racing so you could do better. Granted Balinor actually died in the hospital, but it was the feeling all the same.

"I can do this. I just have to see Arthur first." Merlin said as he practically jumped out of his seat and ran out of his garage. He sprinted down the garage line to where Arthur was, ignoring a yelling Gwaine behind him.

"Arthur." Merlin wheezed as he sees his friend zipping up his jacket.

"Merlin what are you doing here?" Arthur asked surprised to see his thin friend.

"I wanted to see you before the race, so I came through Emrys's garage." Merlin huffed as Arthur walked over to him. Merlin grasped Arthur's arms tightly and the blonde man could finally see the worry, the silent desperation in Merlin's blue eyes.

"Be careful out there." He told Arthur sternly.

"Merlin, what is going on?" Arthur asked but the raven haired man shook his head.

"I just want you to be careful, okay? Promise me. Please, just promise me you'll be careful." Merlin insisted, hands tightening their grip to an almost painful amount of pressure. That's when it hit Arthur like a ton of bricks. This was the track Balinor died on, no wonder Merlin was all bent out of shape.

"I will be." Merlin visibly relaxed at his words and let him go. Arthur gave a small smirk at the thin man.

"Do I get a kiss for good luck?" He asked, pushing just a little bit. Merlin gave him a dark look before leaning in and pressing his lips to Arthur's cheek.

"Good luck." He whispered before pulling back and heading back down to Emrys's own garage. Leon whistled as Merlin left and Arthur turned to glare at him.

"Shut it." He snapped, pulling on his gloves.

~

Merlin stripped off his clothes getting dressed in a hurry and slightly haphazardly.

"We didn't have time for that, Merlin." Gwaine growled.

"Maybe not, but I had to." Merlin snapped, emotions running high and all over the place. He slipped on his helmet and moved to open the garage door when Gwaine stopped him, eyes softening, knowing Merlin was in a rough patch with this race.

"Gloves." He said and Merlin hastily pulled them on, cursing himself for forgetting. "Come on." Gwaine told him, slinging an arm around him as they headed out on the track. Merlin was trembling and he immediately sought out his mother. She was in the same seat, looking pale and the worry was etched clearly on her face from where Merlin could see her.

Merlin stood by his car and reached out to stop Gwaine from moving away.

"I need you to talk to me while I'm out there okay? Anything odd, anything different, anything I need you to tell me. And please keep me updated about what Arthur does, please." Gwaine couldn't stop the bit of anger and hurt that surged in him, but he understood. Merlin had already lost one he loved on this track, he didn't need to lose another.

"Be careful out there, M." Gwaine said, pulling away and Merlin climbed into his car.

~

Arthur frowned from where he stood. He had watched an interesting interaction between Emrys and Gwaine. Emrys had gripped the other man's arms so intensely, a vision of Merlin gripping Arthur's arm had flashed in his mind, but he shook it away. Merlin was supposed to be up with the sponsors, even if he wasn't exactly dressed for it. Arthur shook his head and climbed in his car; Merlin asked him to be careful so he needed to focus, he wouldn't let Merlin down.

~

The race couldn't get any weirder, in Arthur's opinion. He expected and had been prepared for Emrys to jump ahead and work to increase his lead like he did at most races, but he didn't. He stayed beside Arthur in fourth place, content to sit there and race safely. He didn't jump at any openings, he didn't try to sling past any other driver without seeming to think it over, he just moved with the flow like a racer who didn't know what to do and played it safe.

Emrys was neither or those. He also stuck to Arthur like glue, whenever Arthur moved up, so did he. It was worrisome, but Arthur pushed past it and focused on one of the few things that gave him joy and that was sitting behind the wheel.

~

"Gwaine. I need you to keep talking. Please." Merlin said in a strained voice. He wasn't handling the race well, the opposite in fact. If he were a stronger person, he would have pulled off the track and left, but he wasn't a quitter or a strong person and he had a bad feeling coiling at the base of his spine.

"What do you want me to say?" Gwaine asked, hearing his distress.

"Anything. Talk randomly, just please don't stop." Merlin said as he instinctively spurred his car forward around the car, past a few racers and his grip tightened with a sudden burst of fear, his body sliding and colliding with the buckle,making Merlin bite his lip in pain. There was defiantly going to be a bruise later.

"Wait. A driver pulling up right behind Arthur. I don't like the look of it." Gwaine stated and Merlin felt his heart clench and his blood run cold. He dropped back, realizing he had moved up without thinking.

"Morgause." Merlin snarled. He watched her move in close to Arthur and that's when he felt the chill creep up his spine. He moved next to her, so close she was forced to back away. Then Morgause was there again and she was aiming for Arthur's car. She was trying to bump if, and if she did, Arthur would spin out of control. Merlin made a snap decision in the millisecond he had to think.

"I'm sorry." Merlin whispered and before Gwaine could get worried, Merlin had tugged sharply on his wheel, slamming against Morgause, pushing her away from Arthur. Merlin shuddered as he felt the cars scrape against each other before Morgause pulled back and they continued on their way. Merlin's grip tightening on the steering wheel as he fought to keep his car moving in a controlled way. 

"How many more laps?" Merlin asked in a shaky voice.

"Just a few." Gwaine replied tightly. "Just a few."

~

"What happened?" Arthur asked.

"Morgause was going to hit you, I was going to tell you to pick up the pace if you could but..." He trailed off.

"But what?" Arthur demanded.

"Emrys saw it too. He pushed, more like rammed, his car into hers and away from you." Arthur sucked in a sharp breath.

"Really?" He asked.

"Yeah. The side of his car is pretty jacked up too." Leon stated.

"I either owe the man a thank you or he knew about it and thought better of it before it happened." Leon was silent for a moment. Arthur had a point, a small one, but a point all the same.

"I'd go with the thank you." He finally muttered.

~

Merlin climbed out of his car, falling to the ground in his haste, so grateful that the race was over. He scrambled for a moment before he was able to pull himself up off the ground. He saw Arthur out of the corner of his eye. Thank God he was alive. The crowd swarmed Merlin, asking what happened during the race and why he only placed third instead of first this time. Merlin couldn't handle it. He tired pushing them out of his way. He needed to get off the track, he was going to lose it. This race was too much, too much for Merlin. He frantically moved past people, stumbling and gasping. Gwaine caught him among the people.

"What do you need, M?" He asked.

"Get me off this track! Get me away from me!" He begged, clawing at his helmet. He couldn't breathe, his chest was tight and he NEEDED to get away from there. Gwaine grabbed hold of Merlin and fought through the crowd and safely into the garage.

Merlin pulled off his helmet and threw it across the room before he fell into the corner and slid to the ground, chest heaving and tears threatening to flow.

"I shouldn't have done that. I should never have done this race. I can't believe I actually did that. Thank goodness, Arthur's okay. Thank God, I'm okay. I'm okay, right?" Merlin asked, gloves following the helmet's suit.

"You're okay, M. You're okay." Gwaine repeated and Merlin nodded. The air finally coming back into his chest and he visibly relaxed.

"Home. Please take me home." He asked and Gwaine nodded, handing Merlin his clothes.

~

Merlin ran into Arthur outside the track as he waited for Gwaine, still shaking.

"Merlin!" He called out. Merlin flinched at the sound but turned. "Are you okay?" Arthur asked.

"Just a little shaken up." Merlin replied honesty, cringing at the thought of what he did to Aithusa. "I'm just glad you're okay." Merlin suddenly wrapped his arms around Arthur, stunning the blonde.

"I'm just glad you're okay." He repeated and Arthur finally returned the hug.

"Me too. Me too." He replied before letting go. "That race really got to ya, didn't it." Arthur asked and Merlin nodded. Arthur could feel him shaking. "Go home, Merls. You look like you could use the sleep." He said suddenly, seeing the dark circles under his friend's eyes. Merlin nodded and got into the car as soon as Gwaine pulled up, curling up in the seat.

~

Arthur let himself into Merlin's apartment with the key Hunith had given him. She was worried about Merlin, they all were. He wasn't hanging out with his friends as often, Arthur only ever saw the man in passing now. He never had lunch with them anymore, at least over the last few weeks, he missed more dinners with his mother (something he had never done before), he hid away in his office or at his apartment. In addition to missing meals with people, he wasn't really eating anymore; he was thinner than ever and Arthur never would have thought that possible.

Merlin was also utterly exhausted, the circles under his were dark purple, close to black, and Merlin moved sluggishly. He was always accompanied by coffee, they just didn't realize that Merlin wasn't sleeping, they didn't know about the nightmares.

So, Arthur was there to talk to Merlin and try to help. He closed the door with his foot, holding a pizza and some bears in his hands. Oddly, the entire apartment was dark, as though Merlin was gone or asleep, it was barely seven in the evening. 

"Merlin?" Arthur called out softly. He got no response. He moved into the kitchen, setting the food down on the counter before he heard something coming from Merlin's room.

"Merlin?" He repeated softly, walking towards his friend's room. The noise became clearer. Sobbing. The sound was of someone sobbing. Arthur eased the door open slowly, stopping when he saw Merlin.

There he was, twisted in the black sheets of his bed, hands fisted in his hair, knees drawn up to his chest, rocking back and forth. He kept whispering over and over again, between sobs, "It was just a dream. Just a dream. A dream."

Arthur sprinted across the room, sitting on the edge of the bed and reaching out to Merlin.

"Merlin?" He asked. Merlin's head snapped up, looking at him.

"A-Arthur?" He asked, voice breaking, tears streaming down his face. "No no no no.” He whispered as he continued rocking. Arthur grabbed one of Merlin's thin arms, tugging softly.

"Merlin. I'm here." He whispered causing the smaller man to sob louder and cry harder, letting Arthur pulled his arm away. "Merlin, what happened?" Arthur asked quietly but Merlin just shook his head, starting to hiccup as he tried to take a deep breath, the tears still going.

"Merlin-" Arthur started but Merlin shook his head.

"Just hold me. Please." Merlin whispered, looking up, big blue eyes wide and swimming with tears. Arthur didn't hesitate. He toed off his shoes before crawling into bed with Merlin, encircling Merlin's waist with is arms. Merlin gripped Arthur's shirt in his hands, holding tightly as he pressed his face into the crook of Arthur's neck.

Arthur rubbed circles on Merlin's back as he laid down, readjusting the sheets before pulling them and the blanket back up until it rested at Merlin's shoulder. Merlin continued to sob but less frequently and more quietly.

"Merlin, what happened?" Arthur whispered, as the tears stopped, no longer wetting his neck.

"A nightmare." Merlin whispered, lips brushing against Arthur's neck making the blonde shiver. "The worst nightmare. It keeps coming back. All the time. Every night." Merlin shuddered and Arthur tightened his arms around him.

"What's it about?" Arthur asked quietly, pressing his nose into Merlin's black hair.

"You." Arthur stilled.

"Me?" He questioned.

"You. Always you. In a car crash on the track. The same one as Dad. You keep dying, just like he did and I can't do anything about it, no matter how hard I try. You still die." Merlin whispered, tears falling again.

"I'm here. I'll always be here." Arthur whispered, pulling back to wipe away Merlin's tears, his heart wrenching at the sight of him so broken. Merlin smiled sadly.

"Promise?" He asked, lip quivering.

"Promise. No matter what." Arthur told him. "Now get some sleep. I'll be right here." He whispered, thumbing away the last of Merlin's tears. That promise meant more to Merlin than Arthur would ever know. So he curled up into his chest, relishing in the being that was Arthur. Arthur smiled softly, pressing his nose against a black head of hair, before letting his eyes close and going to sleep with Merlin in his arms, something he wanted to do for who knows how long.

~

Arthur woke up later that night to find Merlin snuggled up close to his side, sleeping peacefully. Arthur had no idea how long it had been since Merlin had actually slept and restfully at that. He pulled away, heart threatening to break before stopping as he felt Merlin shift behind him. Arthur looked over his shoulder to see Merlin's previously peaceful face suddenly twisting in pain and fear. His long fingers gripping at the empty space Arthur had just occupied, clenching the sheets tightly.

"No no no no no no." He whispered softly, voice breaking in his sleep. Arthur's sudden disappearance from his side obviously had a drastic change in Merlin and whatever his dream was. "Stop. No no no no no." Arthur frowned but didn't know what else to do but sit there and watch Merlin, hoping whatever was plaguing him would stop. Merlin suddenly bolted upright, the latest time in a series of several occurrences, chest heaving, eyes wide in fear.

"Merlin? Merlin, are you okay?" Arthur asked, still in shock at what he witnessed happen so quickly.

"No." Merlin whispered, his knees drawing back up to his chest. "I haven't been able to sleep for the past few weeks without nightmares. The sleeping pills don't help anymore either." Merlin sounded like a small and frightened child. Arthur felt something inside of him break.

"And it's the same one?" He asked softly, climbing back into the bed and sitting beside a quaking Merlin.

"Yes. Every night. Every single time I close my eyes, it happens over and over and over again." He was crying again and it sent shoots of pain into Arthur's chest and he pulled Merlin close, wrapping his arms around thin shoulders.

"It's just a dream, Merlin. It's just a dream." He promised.

"It doesn't feel like one." Merlin whispered against Arthur's chest, his arms snaking around his toned torso, taking comfort in the fact that not only Arthur was alive but he was there next to Merlin.

"You weren't having a nightmare when I woke up." Arthur stated, pressing his face against the top of Merlin's head. He felt Merlin frown against his shirt.

"Really?" He asked quietly.

"Yes." Merlin took in a shaky breath.

"Please don't leave." He asked Arthur. "Please." Arthur couldn't leave, not when he knew Merlin needed him, not when Merlin was so broken.

"I'm not going to leave you. Just let me get more comfortable." Arthur told him, sleeping in jeans wasn't exactly the easiest way to sleep. Merlin nodded and let go.

"I think I have a pair of your old sweatpants still here from when you got wasted, one time." Merlin told him as he slipped out of bed, Arthur close behind. He knelt and dug through one of his drawers before finding what he was looking for. He handed them over to Arthur and shuffled back to his bed, still exhausted. He stopped before collapsing into the soft material to slip off his shirt and laying down on his stomach, no more energy in him to move or crawl under the covers.

Arthur gave a small smile before shimming out of his jeans and putting the sweatpants on. He walked back to the bed, following Merlin's suit and tossing his shirt aside. He stopped moving upon seeing Merlin's back. Written in black, curving letters was the phrase, "I shall continue through the darkness and see it to the other side". He leaned over without thinking and traced the letters with his finger noticing the way Merlin shivered under his touch and he propped his head up.

"When?" Arthur asked. Merlin was silent for a moment.

"When I was 21." Merlin whispered. It was after the sleeping pill incident when he got it done as a reminder to never let himself go that far. Arthur shucked in a sharp breath. There was so much he didn't know about Merlin, but so much he wanted to.

"Scoot over, lazy ass. I'm cold.” He snapped, goosebumps breaking out along his skin. Merlin gave a small smirk before moving languidly to the top of his bed, pulling back the covers and slipping under them. Arthur forced himself to follow Merlin and stop staring at his bare chest. He planned to just lay there beside him and make sure Merlin didn't have another freak out, but Merlin had other ideas.

He curled up into Arthur's side, head beside his shoulder. Arthur allowed himself a small smile, before wrapping his arm around Merlin and pulling him closer. Merlin let out a small smile before his exhaustion took over and he soon feel asleep, head resting against Arthur's chest, one arm across the other man's stomach.

It was comfortable and it felt right. Arthur pressed his lips against the top of Merlin's head.

"Sleep well." He whispered, biting his tongue to stop from saying the next words that wanted to flow so easily. He was about to say, 'I love you', but he couldn't do that. Not right then, not when Merlin was asleep and battling nightmares. The time was wrong, even if Arthur was holding Merlin as he drifted off into oblivion as well.

~

Gwaine swung open Merlin's door, cursing Merlin softly. He understood Merlin was in a messed up place, especially after that last race but he had to keep training and working. So, Gwaine stomped around the apartment a little bit and then headed to Merlin's room, seeing as the noise hadn't coaxed him him out.

"Merlin..." He fell silent as he looked inside Merlin's bedroom. Merlin was sleeping, actually sleeping, and peacefully at that, but what really hit his heart and sent a punch to his gut, was that Merlin was asleep, in Arthur's arms. He had his head resting comfortably on Arthur's bare chest, arm thrown over his stomach and fingers curling around his side possessively. Arthur had his arm around Merlin, reaching across his back and fingers touching the other man's bare ribs. Gwaine was pulled from his staring when he heard Arthur cough. Arthur was awake and looking at Gwaine, confusion written plainly on his face.

"He didn't show up for work, so I cam here to get him, but he's sleeping. Actually sleeping." Gwaine said around the lump in his throat.

"What do you mean actually sleeping?" Arthur asked, sitting up, forgetting that Merlin was laying atop him. Merlin gave a small groan before rolling over and curling up, still asleep. Gwaine noticed him and motioned for Arthur to follow him into the kitchen, he didn't want to disturb Merlin anymore than he already had.

"He hasn't been sleeping much since the Iowa race." Two months ago. Gwaine admitted and Arthur had to grab onto the counter to steady himself.

"Because of the nightmares?" Arthur asked in a strained voice. Gwaine's eyes widened but he nodded.

"Dammit! Why didn't he say anything?" Arthur demanded. Gwaine just looked at him, anger building. He was furious. Why didn't he understand. Merlin would never admit something like that and he would never ask for him. He would stand tall and proud even as the weight of the world was dropped atop his shoulder and Merlin would force his way ahead, until he finally broke. And then when he was able to stand back up, he'd repeat the process. He was about to to tell Arthur just that when a different voice interrupted him.  
"What's going on?" Merlin asked, rubbing at his eyes from the doorway. Both Gwaine and Arthur turned to look at him, worry in their eyes.

"Nothing. You just didn't show up to work, so I came to collect you." Gwaine responded.

"Shit." Merlin murmured as he moved, more stumbled, forward. Arthur and Gwaine both went to catch him, Arthur's hand catching his right hip, causing Merlin to hiss in pain and pull away. That's when they both noticed the large purple-blue bruise on his right hip.

"What happened?" They asked at the same time.

"I hit it on the counter." Merlin said, pulling up his sleep pants to cover it up. Gwaine frowned, knowing he was lying. That was a racing bruise.

"Merlin you should go back to bed." Gwaine told him softly, seeing the still dark circles under his eyes. A part of Merlin looked relieved at not going to work and being able to relax and possible sleep, another part of him looked scared at the thought of succumbing to the sandman once more.

"Okay." He finally said, before making his way back to his bed, rubbing the back of his neck. Arthur and Gwaine stayed silent until they heard the sound of covers being pulled back and resettled, signaling that Merlin was back in bed.

Arthur bit his lip in worry and Gwaine swallowed the lump that reformed in his throat.

"Go. You keep the nightmares away and that's what he needs right now." Gwaine told him as he moved to leave. Arthur saw the hurt in his friend's face and he caught his wrist.  
"I'm sorry." He whispered and Gwaine gave him a small smile.

"Don't be. It's not your fault." He told him, before closing the door softly behind him. Arthur sighed heavily, dragging a hand across his face. He walked back and stood in the bedroom doorway. Merlin had pulled his shirt back on and was curled up in the blankets, in a small attempt to sleep without the horrific dreams. Arthur gave a small smile, seeing Merlin's dark long eye lashes touching his high cheekbones, his face relaxed. That's what made him move across the room, closing the door behind him and crawled into the bed. He pulled back some of the covers from Merlin's grip and climbed in next to him.

"You don't have to stay." Merlin told him quietly.

"I'm not leaving." Arthur told him firmly, wrapping an arm around Merlin's waist, pulling him flush against Arthur's chest. He felt Merlin relax into him, giving a small sigh of relief. Arthur smiled as Merlin rested his hand against Arthur's and laced their fingers together where they rested against Merlin's stomach.

"Go to sleep, Merlin. I'll be right here." He whispered. He was overjoyed in a sense because Merlin needed him. And Arthur was there to help and he got to hold Merlin in the process. So he closed his eyes and left himself slip into oblivion with Merlin in his arms and Arthur was determined to not let him go.

~

Arthur woke up to the feel of Merlin shifting in his arms. Merlin had turned around and now had his head resting against the pillow, tilted up and looking at Arthur. Arthur smiled slightly and he scooted down till he was eye level with Merlin. He grabbed Merlin's hand and laced their fingers.

"Thank you." Merlin whispered. Arthur stayed silent before letting go of Merlin's hand, noticing the frown on his face, before pulling him into a tight hug.

"I'll do everything I can to help you, Merlin. You should know that." He whispered tears threatening to spill at the thought of Merlin so broken and so alone. Merlin wrapped his arms around Arthur and buried his head in the crook of the blonde's neck.

"Thank you anyway." He whispered, lips brushing Arthur's neck. It took all of his self control to not to pull back and kiss the dark haired man. His thoughts were interrupted though by the sound of Merlin's stomach making grumbling noises. Arthur pulled back smirking and Merlin blushed.

"Why don't you take a shower and then we should get some good. I'm starving and by the sounds of it, so are you." Merlin gave a grateful smile before moving out of Arthur's warm embrace and disappearing into his bathroom, the shower starting up. Arthur took a few moments to think everything over, frowning a tad bit when he thought of Merlin's nightmares.

He pushed them all aside while he climbed back into his jeans and out of his sweatpants, slipping his rumpled shirt back on. Merlin came out, wearing a pair of dark jeans and a loose T-shirt, that clung to his wet body. Arthur threw him a jacket and they moved to leave the apartment, grabbing all essentials: wallets, jackets shoes, and in Merlin's case his cigarettes, which made Arthur frown.

"I'm trying to quit." Merlin shared. "I've had this pack for over a week now." Arthur gave a small smile and a nod while he gave Merlin a quick but hidden overview, smiling wider when he got to Merlin's wet and messy hair.

"Let's go before your stomach starts making more noises." Arthur smirked and led the way, lacing his fingers with Merlin's as soon as they hit the street with a hesitant look to the man who wasn't really a friend but was something more in some cases. Merlin was the only one who really made Arthur nervous or hesitant or even worried. Knowing the effect he had on the blonde with the hopeful light blue eyes, Merlin smiled and gave Arthur's hand a squeeze before leading him down the street.


	8. The Slip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said I got bored so you get another chapter.

Merlin came back. He was there again. He wasn't blank and just staring ahead, dark circles under his eyes, jittery from lack of sleep and too much coffee. He was eating again and laughing and smiling and just being Merlin. It calmed everyone's nerves and soothed their worries until they didn't exist. Well, for most of them. The nightmares still made Arthur bite his lip in apprehension whenever Merlin bade them goodnight and went home alone It was mirrored in Gwaine's eyes. Because of that, Arthur dropped by Merlin's apartment as often as he could. He brought over food once or twice a week, rented movies, and just hung out with the thin man. Arthur also slept over often. It was the one thing that seemed to clam Merlin enough to sleep and sleep restfully. Arthur held Merlin at nights, stopping the shaking and the whimpers and tears and fear. It was intimate and warm and hell if Arthur admit it, being the man he was, it was fuzzy too.

It led to lingering touches between the two, the comfort in allowing his calloused hand to slip into Merlin's, to be okay with letting his arm press up against his or even a leg against a leg. To be able to reach out and ruffle the messy black hair, to whisper in his ear with a smirk as the other shivered, to let his arm linger across the man's surprisingly muscled shoulders longer than was strictly necessary or even socially acceptable. It was to the extent that Morgana approached him on it.

"So, what's up with you and Merlin? Haven't seen you guys quite so chummy and touchy since high school." Arthur tensed and the warm feeling drained away.

"Just hanging out more, talking more." He said, vaguely before paying for their lunch and walking out. It was true they were close back in high school, very close, often kissing close, but Merlin had pulled away suddenly. It was right before graduation and after Merlin turned eighteen. He stopped seeing Arthur as often, talking less and less, he did the same with Morgana and Will (Arthur did detest the man sometimes) and well everyone, even Lance.

So Merlin pulled away and Arthur waited for him to come back, to be himself again. To get past whatever was bothering him; he was known for having some slumps in the past and Arthur expected him to come back like he always had. 

But as time when on, the raven-haired man only moved farther and farther away. Then after graduation he just disappeared entirely, left home with barely a note goodbye. He came back two years later, back to the happy and goofy and smiling Merlin who had grown so much, and with Gwaine at his side. Arthur didn't think about Gwaine back then, or now sometimes, he was just glad to have his friend back.

Was Merlin going to pull away again? Arthur didn't think his weakened heart (it wasn't strong when it came to Merlin, unless it was about to burst from his chest) could stand another pull away from Merlin. He shook his head, no Merlin was different now. Different in a good way. Wasn't he?

~

"Two more races Merlin. You can win it, especially with how you've done in the last few races." Merlin nodded absently, rubbing at his hand. He had gotten over his freak out at the California race and had then proceeded to race aggressively and slightly angrily and had won every race since. He had pushed away everything that didn't matter, anything that wasn't sitting in the car and zooming around a track and other races at a higher speed than was strictly necessary or even safe, even for the sport, didn't matter.

"Merlin." The man finally looked up, eyebrows drawn together in thought.

"What?" He asked, his fingers still moving rhythmically in circles on the back of his other hand.

"Did you hear a word I said?" Gwaine asked, exasperated.

"You were talking about my good standings for the next race." Merlin replied, staring back down at his hands.

"Merlin, what's wrong?" Gwaine asked as Merlin's hands turned white from the pressure of his grip. He didn't answer verbally, shaking his head in response eyebrows furrowed. 

Gwaine knelt down in front of the quivering man, pulling apart his hands and holding them gently.

"Merlin. Tell me." Gwiane repeated softly. Merlin took in a shaky breath.

"Two more races. I have the trophy and the ring and I've made my dad proud but I've revealed that not only have I lied about what I do, but who I am. And for five years. What happens if they just cut me out of their lives entirely and refuse to talk to me? What if that happens and I can't handle it, what if I break down worse than I did before?" He asked, voice thick with unshed tears, hands clenching Gwaine's tightly. His nightmares had changed from the death of Arthur to the loss of him in Merlin's life and the loss of everyone else, everyone but Gwaine and Lance.

Merlin put on such a great mask. A great mask. Gwaine had no idea how worried Merlin really was, that while he seemed to be getting better he was still teetering on the edge, teetering dangerously. "It'll be fine Merlin. They will be hurt and they will be angry but they will get over it and they will accept it. You just have to wait, Merlin. It's going to be a waiting game of sorts. But it will be okay in the end." Gwaine explained firmly. "Now, come on. Let's get you in a car so you can work off some of your distress." Merlin gave a slight smile before letting Gwaine lead him out onto the practice track and push him into a car, helmet following.

Merlin threw him a grateful smile before turning the keys in the ignition and heading down the track at a slow speed, letting his body take in the high before relaxing and doing what he loved: driving at high speeds.

~

Later, Merlin readjusted his tie, hands shaking nervously. He wasn't ready for this, not in the slightest. Another gala of sorts for racers and not only was Merlin Emrys's "representative" but he was also Arthur's guest or plus one. He wasn't sure which one made him shake with nerves the most.

"Are you okay to do this Merlin?" Gwaine asked. Some days he worried too much, others not enough.

"In a way. I'll be fine. I just need to get used to being in front of so many people for when I race with without my helmet on as mask. He said, smoothing his hands over his suit, the one Morgana made him buy. He surprisingly liked the suit, he did, but it brought back a taste of memories he's rather purge from his mind. Like Gili. He regretted that and was glad nothing more came out of it. He also regretted his flip out and loss of control on the track in that suit. Gwaine nodded in understanding, patting his shoulder.

"You'll do fine. Don't drink too much and don't let anyone get to you or push you." He stated firmly with a sharp nod and Merlin gave a smile. He held out his hand expectantly, loving the weight of his keys as Gwaine dropped them gently into his hand, Merlin curling his fingers around them. Something about keys was just comforting for Merlin, but maybe that was because of what the keys were too. Merlin shifted the ring around his neck before taking a deep breath and heading downstairs to the garage to grab his car.

Merlin loved his Emrys car. It was sleek and smooth and above all else, it was fast. He loved it. Sighing heavily he made himself slow and pull into the driveway of the house where the gala or whatever this thing really was, half tempted to stop, go back, and then speed away and ditch entirely. But he couldn't do that, he had to come because once his helmet was off the press would have a field day, a series of field days, and he would have to get used to doing things like this as himself, the champion racer Merlin Ambrosias. He took a deep breath before pulling himself out of the car, pocketing his keys, glad to have them on hand. This was someone's house, who Merlin couldn't remember, he didn't really pay attention to details. He snuffed out the last of his cigarette before straightening his jacket and walking inside.

He was greeted by Arthur who smiled widely at him and surprisingly by Uther as well, who had a knowing smile plastered on his face. He hadn't realized Uther was going to be there and instantly a bad feeling crawled down his back, curling around the base of his spine. As if this could get any worse, something about Uther being there made his wary and want to turn and flee on the spot but he was a strong man than he gave himself credit for.

"Hello Merlin. Here as Emrys?" Uther asked, his greeting warm. Merlin bit back a frown. He didn't like the way the question was asked.

"In a sense, yes, Uther." Merlin said, watching the amusement twinkle in the man's eyes. Merlin narrowed his eyes a fraction, forgetting about Arthur for a moment.

"I would like you to give Emrys a message for me." Merlin gave a wary nod as a sign to continue. "I would like to talk to him personally about switching over to Camelot Racers." Uther said, making Arthur suck in a sharp breath. Merlin frown and then he realized just was Uther was hinting at and his eyes narrowed dangerously and Uther only looked more amused.

"He'd thank you for the offer, but he has no interest in leaving DragonLord Inc. No matter what you wish to offer him." Merlin said lowly. Uther only gave a smile, glad that Merlin was smarter than he appeared and had caught on.

"And I'd like it if you didn't mention this further." He added, voice not pleading but warning. Uther was surprised to say the least but didn't get a chance to reply when Merlin swept past him and into the large greeting room.

~

Uther had found out the truth about Merlin's job when he had done enough research and had asked enough questions of the good hearted but rather stout man to make him confused.

"You want to see Emrys? Emrys? Do you mean Merlin? He's the only one who drives here." The man said, head cocked to the side.

"He's the only one?" Uther asked, eyes wide. The man, Jerry was his name maybe, nodded. "Tall, overly thin, tattoos on his right hand and arm?" Uther asked and the man nodded enthusiastically, chins jiggling with each bob. Uther gave a dark smile.

"The only driver in the building, you say?" Uther asked, leaning against the front desk.

"Yes sir. Just him. Gwaine is his crew chief if you would like to talk to him about Merlin since the man is out for lunch with a girl named Morgana." Uther just shook his head, he already had the information he needed. Merlin was indeed Emrys. It was no coincidence that when Merlin had just up and left that Emrys had appeared out of the blue, taking the European circuit by storm.

Merlin was born a racer, he had it in him. It was in his blood. Uther had known that. So had Balinor. Hunith did too, but refused to see it after she had lost Balinor and Uther could understand it to a point. Merlin was always at the track, always in a car, always looking at them, trying to take them apart and put them back together. Wanting them to go faster and harder. Merlin breathed racing and even if the man tried, Uther knew he couldn't do anything else. Merlin would always come back to the track sooner or later. Uther just hadn't realized he already had and at the first opportunity he had be given. Uther just smiled, not knowing just how secretive Merlin could be until then.

~

Merlin sipped his drink, keeping his face as impassive as possible when all he wanted to do was roll his eyes and walk away. He hated these things, he concluded. They were rather pointless and were just racers waving around their sponsors and their endorsements and their obscene amounts of money they kept. It was rather ridiculous. Merlin turned around and wished even more to leave. Gili was approaching him with a rather predatory look and Merlin was torn between annoyance and flattered.

"Hello, Merlin." Gili whispered low and attempted at sultry but Merlin could only imagine Arthur speaking like that and he immediately shook his head to clear those thoughts.  
"Hello Gili." Merlin replied, stiffly. Gili gave a smile and Merlin made his school his features.

"You ran out early last time. I thought maybe we could continue where we left off." Merlin just stared at him, incredulous. Seriously? Did the man not get that it wasn't what Merlin wanted when he left and apologize all over himself, tears already starting to fall. He opened his mouth to blurt that all out when he felt a warm arm slide around his waist, tugging him closer, a warm breath hitting his neck as the person behind and off to the side of him spoke, in a low and dangerous tone.

"I don't think that will happen, Gili. If you'd hadn't realized Merlin didn't want that last time, so why would you assume he's want it this time? In addition, Merlin is here with me." Arthur. Merlin could've smiled in relief and over all happiness. He probably did. Merlin gave a nod, agreeing with Arthur, not trusting his voice enough to not spill some of his thoughts, as Arthur's grip tightened.

Gili frowned for a half second before his eyes widened and he began to apologize. "I d-didn't realize." He stammered and Merlin knew Arthur was smirking. He just knew it.

"Well, now you do." Arthur replied flatly and the other man seemed to just drift away until he had disappeared from sight. Merlin gave a small sigh and allowed himself to lean into Arthur's touch for just a moment before, sadly, pulling away and turning to look at him.

"Thank you." Merlin whispered softly. Arthur just smiled and pressed his lips against Merlin's cheek, a smirk forming. Merlin rolled his eyes at the gesture.

"I'm going to get another drink." he stated, motioning to his empty glass. Arthur nodded and let go of Merlin.

~

Merlin breathed in deeply as he moved out of sight from the people and poured himself another drink.

"Don't like the attention do you?" Morgause. The one person Merlin didn't want to see right now or at all really.

"Not particularly." He replied tightly, turning to look at her, face devoid of all expression. She gave a tight smile.

"I wonder why. You are loved you know. People are just dying to see your face." She told him, smirking. Merlin stared at her, refused to let his impassive face break.

"I don't know what you're talking about." He stated as he moved away from her. She reached out suddenly gripping his right hip tightly. Merlin slapped her hand away, grimacing in pain.

"A bruise. A racing one. I have ones just like it." She started and Merlin was too dazed by the intense pain that had rocketed through his body. "Too thin to sit in the seats right and when we shift because of turns and such our bodies collide with the buckle and cause bruises." She said. Merlin didn't reply. The only thoughts he had running through his mind was that he was slipping. People were catching on and he was slipping.

"But what makes me curious, is why you hide." She added, moving closer to Merlin who only stared down at her. "Are you afraid of what poor mommy would be like if she knew her baby boy raced? That your dead father would be ashamed to have you as his son? That poor lover Arthur would hate you?" She moved to continue but Merlin grabbed her wrist pulling her close. Too close for comfort.

"You don't get to say a word about my father. About my mother. And defiantly not about Arthur." He bit off each word, his face darkening. "Not after you went after him and almost spun him into the wall." He snarled.

"That's how I knew. You deliberately pushed me to stop me. No one else but you would've done that. You gave yourself away. Poor love struck Merlin." she practically cooed quietly. Merlin gave a dark smirk.

"Do you know what the league would do if they knew about what you tried?" Merlin asked in a cold whisper, mouth next to her ear. She froze and Merlin continued. "You wouldn't race again. Not here. Not in Europe. You'd be stuck without it. Vying for that high, that rush, that joy that fills your veins every time you sit in that car on a track and never being able to achieve again. I suggest you keep this bit of information to yourself, unless you want to experience that?" His voice was low and hard and it made Morgause shiver. Merlin pulled back to look at her, satisfied at her fearful look. She only nodded, unable to speak. Merlin gave a dark smile before moving out of the room and heading outside.

~

Arthur stood dumbfounded. Was Merlin driving so hard he was injuring himself? Arthur had walked away to go through his musing after hearing an explanation of Merlin's hip bruises. He shook his head, it was preposterous. Plus, where did Merlin have the chance to drive at high enough speeds for that. During the races, a small voice whispered in his mind and he shook his head again. No, Merlin didn't race. He didn't.

Arthur spotted an rather satisfied Merlin walking out the front door and decided to follow him, ready to scold the man for smoking. What happened though, he wasn't expecting. Merlin pulled his keys out, grinning as he slipped into his car. He started the car up, peeling out of the driveway with a harsh squeal before racing off down the street at a speed he really should not have been testing. The thing that made Arthur stop was the look of pure, unadulterated joy on his face as he grip the wheel with practiced ease and sped away. He didn't drive did he?

~

Arthur found Merlin a few hours later, walking into his office building a wild look in his eyes and a grin on his face. Arthur approached, unease coiling in his stomach.

"Merlin." He called out, the man froze for half a second, before turning oh so slowly to look at Arthur.

"Arthur. What are you doing here?" He asked, tucking a helmet under his arm. Arthur zeroed in on the object.

"Do you practice driving out on that track?" He snapped, fear seizing his heart as he remembered Balinor dying. Merlin frowned and looked at Arthur coldly. The fear doubled.

"Yes. I drive on it often. I love racing Arthur. More than you realize. I think it's time to stop letting his death stop me from doing what I love." Merlin practically snarled.

"I get that Merlin, but you have to think-" Merlin cut him off.

"I do think. That's all I do. I worry about what you and my mother and everyone will think. They will worry and they will not sleep and they will do this and this and this. So I can't do what I want. Because of you guys. The ones I love. The ones I want to understand. But you don't and you might never. But I'm done with it. I'm done." Merlin said, as he stormed away and up the flight of stairs, two at a time.

"I don't want to see anyone, Jerry." He called back. Jerry nodded and looked at Arthur apologetically. Arthur was shocked. Completely dazed. He didn't really understand what had just happened. He didn't understand anything anymore.


	9. The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another.

Merlin didn't withdraw back into himself, but he did pull away a bit. He was always on the move, never staying for longer than the customary, 'how are you', always doing something, and always avoiding Arthur. That's what stung the most. After their argument, more of Merlin just raking Arthur down one side and up the other, Merlin had purposefully been avoiding the blonde. Arthur didn't think much of it at first, nor really realized it, until he noticed that Merlin was always leaving when Arthur was arriving, always shrugging past with a look, and that Merlin was still attempting to stay in contact, however little and strained it was, with everyone else.

Arthur's heart clenched in pain, but he was at a loss of what to do. It was like high school all over again and while Arthur had no intentions of just letting Merlin walk away again, he wasn't sure of what to do. Merlin refused to talk to him, refused to look at him, he even had Jerry, a nice man, threatening to remove him from the premisses when he tried to go up stairs because he was on orders from Merlin. Arthur had never felt so lost in his life.

Everyone threw him curious and accusatory glances but Merlin was on the receiving end of them too. As sad as it was, it made Arthur feel a tad bit better.

~

This was hard. So very hard. Merlin hopped out of the helicopter, taking in a shaky breath. He greeted the hospital's board head and chief of surgery warmly, a tight smile on his face. This was incredibly hard. Even harder as they made their way into the building and to a conference room. 

"It is a pleasure to see you Mr. Ambrosias, but I'm curious as to why you are here." The chief said and Merlin clasped his hands together under the table to stop them from shaking. So hard. Unbelievably hard.

"I'm here because I wish to make a donation." His voice didn't betray his distress. The board head immediately perked up. It was all about the money for some people. "Over the past five years I have donated to hospitals that were the first responders to race tracks. The one in Oregon, Iowa, all of them on the Ablion Trails circuit, and now I've come full circle back here." He paused and the chief nodded.

"Because of your father?" He asked remembering a gangly and hurt Merlin and his reaction when Balinor had arrived and then departed at the hospital; he knew because he was point of that particular case. Merlin nodded tersely, hands white under the table.

"Because of my father." He paused to take an unsteady breath. "Because of him, I'm donating 2 million dollars to you surgical unit. There is no request of who it goes to. Put it where it's needed most and where it will help the most. I only wish I could offer more." He added. The board head looked ready to pass out.

"I hate to ask this Mr. Ambrosias, but-" Merlin cut him off with a wave of his hand.

"I assure I can pay. I already have the check here. Again, I wish it was more and I wish it hadn't taken me so long to get to this point. To get back here." He repeated, pulling the check from his suit jacket and signing it with flourish. He handed it to the chief before standing up. He couldn't be in the building anymore, it was too hard.

"Thank you for the generous donation. Is there anything we can do for because of it?" The board man asked and Merlin was ready to tell him off. He just wanted out of the place, the white walls were beginning to close in on him.

"Don't tell where the money came from. I'd like to remain anonymous for as long as possible." Merlin explained before bidding them both goodbye, chest tight. So hard, just so hard. He needed sleep. A long sleep.

~

Merlin walked down the plane stairs in an unhurried fashion, on hand inside his dress pant's pocket, the other giving an acknowledging wave to Kilgarrah. Merlin was in a no name town in the heart of America's heartland to award one of the three Druid scholarships to a girl his committee had nominated and he had approved. Every year he gave out three scholarships, he provided the students enough funding to live on campus, a small food fund, and enough tuition money to stay in and study at a moderate university for five to six years' worth of education.

It was a lot of money, but Merlin didn't need it. He didn't really want it. He had enough to live on comfortably and to spend if he wanted something extra, the money outside of that budget was just ridiculous.

"Cutting it close as usual." Kilgarrah commented. Merlin was too tired and emotionally drained to do anything but give a noncommittal nod of acknowledgment as he slid into the driver seat, waiting for the old man to get into the car as well. The man frowned at Merlin, he could see the bags under his eyes, the crease between his eyebrows, and the weight that seemed to be pressing down on the young man's shoulders. He wish there was more he would do for his godson, he just didn't know what.

Merlin smoothed down his coat, adjusting his tie. This was one of his favorite things to do beside actually racing. He loved giving out the scholarships to unwitting students (their parents were aware of course) and seeing their faces light up in disbelief and then wonder. The joy and the tears and the hugs, God, Merlin loved the hugs. He didn't really know why but it was the best part, when the teenagers threw themselves at him in a bone crushing hug. Maybe Merlin loved the hugs because it was the closest thing to being real that he had in his furtive and twisted life.

He gave the announcement, to the girl who's parents couldn't afford to seen her to college and they hadn't gone themselves, and had barely been able to get her through high school with the help of school funding. Those were the kids who qualified for Merlin's scholarship, the ones who could do some much if given the opportunity. He gave a bright smile as the girl squealed in delight before launching herself at Merlin, arms tight around his chest.

"Thank you so much. I can't even begin to express it." She said and Merlin returned her hug.

"Don't. Just be happy and do good with this chance." She gave him a watery smile before letting him go and being enveloped into her loving parent's arms, warm gazes, affectionate words. Merlin had to look away. He hadn't had a moment like that with his mother in so long, he had forgotten they had existed. He just wanted to sleep and forget about all the things he missed and all the things he wanted. It only hurt.

~

"Arthur! There's a scholarship give away happening later today." Morgana exclaimed from her perch on the hood of Arthur's car. Arthur rolled his eyes.

"And what's so important about a scholarship giveaway? They happen all the time." Morgana gave him a cold stare, he was all pissy because of whatever he and Merlin had concocted in their strained and not always functional relationship but that didn't mean he could take it out on her.

"It's the Druid scholarship." Arthur looked up so fast he might have gotten whiplash and Morgana smirked.

"Do you think we should go?" He asked trying, and failing, to not seem eager.

"Of course. So go get showered and dressed. I wanna see Merlin in his element." Merlin did all the scholarship giveaways and he loved them, Morgana wanted to see why. Arthur froze for half a second. Merlin in his element. Merlin in the zone. He suddenly got an image of Merlin sitting behind the wheel of a car, features lit up with enjoyment. He shook his head, he wasn't particularly comfortably with the idea of Merlin racing. He was being hypocritical, he knew it, but he didn't want to lose Merlin like Hunith had lost Balinor all those years ago.

Arthur and Morgana stood at the back of the crowd, watching Merlin converse quietly with Kilgarrah as they waited for the winner of the scholarship to get out of class. Merlin had such a serious and professional expression, it shocked Arthur a little bit. They all hushed when a kid came out, a grease smudge on his cheek, pushing his brown-blonde hair out of his eyes, looking at everyone in confusion.

"Merlin?" He asked and Merlin gave a wide grin. Arthur didn't know Merlin was familiar with any of the scholarship recipients.

"Tristan. This may come as a surprise but you won the Druid scholarship." The young man stared wide-eyed before he looked to his parents who nodded, tears in their eyes. He looked back at Merlin, who smiled softly. Tristan threw his arms around Merlin suddenly and the look of pure happiness on his face mirrored on Merlin's and Arthur held back a small gasp.

"I told you, you could go to college." Merlin said, returning the hug. He had made sure Tristan had won, he deserved it, a kid with nothing to his name trying to be a mechanic. Merlin had taken him under his arm. Tristan gave a laugh.

"You also told me that my teacher was a pompous ass who didn't know the different between a lug nut and a bolt." He said and Merlin's ears went red.

"He was a terrible excuse of a mechanic.” Tristan shook his head and looked back up at Merlin, a look of pure adoration on his face.

"Thank you." Merlin nodded.

"Just don't forget to come around to the track anytime. I need to make sure your teachers aren't stupid." He joked. Arthur frowned from his place as he witnessed the scene. He had forgotten Merlin was a mechanic, might have been a mechanical engineer. The man knew what he was talking about and obviously shared the passions with this kid, one he deemed worthy of Emrys's scholarship. There was so much Arthur had missed when Merlin left and came back, changed. He was different, so different.

He noticed the longing expression on Merlin's face as Tristan embraced his parents and then a girl who Arthur assumed was his girlfriend, enthusiastically. Merlin slipped away while everyone else was distracted. Arthur followed him, his eyes having been trained on Merlin the entire time. He watched the man slip into his car, resting his head against the steering wheel for a moment before visibly sighing and starting the car.

That's when Arthur noticed the circles under his eyes again. Merlin must not have been sleeping well again. That knowledge pained Arthur more than he liked to admit, but he couldn't do anything since Merlin was already driving away, and at such a high speed.

~

Arthur walked out onto the track, cracking his knuckles in preparation for the race that wasn't starting for another hour when he stopped short. Emrys was already there. His car was on the track and the man himself was lounging on the car's hood. His long legs were resting against the windshield, ankles at the top of the car, feet clad in a pair of old converse, flopped to the side.

He had his helmet on, but his jacket was only part of the way on. Arthur didn't know how long he had been standing there, taking in every inch of the tall and thin man before Leon gave a obvious cough and Arthur jumped, face flushing.

"Come on, let's get ready." He said and Arthur followed, refusing to look back at Emrys even though his entire being desperately wanted to.

Emrys was still splayed out on the car when Arthur left his garage. He stopped short again, a memory resurfacing. He and Merlin used to do that, when they were bored and wanted to talk or look at the stars. Merlin would lay with his legs on the windshield and stare up at the sky and Arthur would lay next to him until they would both fall asleep. He snapped out of his reprieve when Gwaine walked up to Emrys.

"Lazy ass! Get up!" He snapped, giving Emrys's shoulder a push. The man moved in a daze and Arthur realized he had been asleep with a small grin. Just like Merlin. The man sat up slowly, the jacket slipping from one shoulder, revealing a hint of curving letters but Arthur couldn't make out the words form the distance. He watched Emrys reach an ungloved hand under his helmet to removed the sleep from his eyes. Arthur chuckled.

"I can't believe you. But at least you're getting some sleep." Gwaine said and Arthur stilled. Merlin wasn't sleeping. He banished the thoughts from his mind and roughly grabbed his own helmet from a crew member. Emrys had pulled on his jacket and gloves, giving a stretch that Arthur forced himself to look away from. He had a race to focus on.  
Emrys was essentially kicking his ass in a way Arthur had never experienced before and it pissed him off to now end. It only increased the distaste he had for the helmeted man who slept with Gwaine while Gwaine was with Merlin. And the fact that he was so familiar Arthur felt like he knew who he was, but he couldn't seem to place the face to the person who raced with such prowess.

~

Merlin yawned, readjusting his helmet. "I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not." He stated, swinging his legs over the edge of the car but not getting up from his seat. Gwaine shook his head but smiled anyway.

"You're getting sloppy, ya know?" He said seriously as Merlin pulled on his gloves and finished zipping up his jacket.

"I know." Merlin sounded so sure, Gwaine knew there just had to be inner turmoil going on.

"You feeling okay, M?" He asked, trying to peer past Merlin's facade. Merlin lifted the visor to look at Gwaine directly.

"Better than I have been in a while." He replied honestly, snapping his visor back down at hearing some of the other racers' crew members' gasps. "I'm just ready for this race to be over." Gwaine couldn't help but wonder why, but he didn't time right away to ask because Merlin was sliding from his seat, giving Aithusa on last look over before he settled himself into his seat. He was oddly silent.

"What are you planning, Merlin?" Gwaine asked, leaning his head inside the car.

"Something." Gwaine could hear the smirk in the man's voice.

"Be careful out there." He whispered and Merlin nodded.

~

Emrys was still full of surprises. He kept throwing Arthur for a loop. Normally Arthur had a feel for the other racers three races in, he knew their habits, their ticks, everything one got from from studying an opponent. Yet, there he was, penultimate race of the season and Emrys still had thing stuffed up his sleeve and new tricks for everyone to see. Some races, he was passive, others aggressive, some sly, others calculating. He was an excellent racer.

This time he was overly aggressive. He jumped right up front at the warm up lap, edging away all other racers by getting to close to them, they didn't want to risk anything; not that early and not after what the man in blue and silver had done to Morgause when she had gotten to close to Arthur. That still threw the blonde for one too. Arthur moved to catch Emrys, seeing the other racers back off as he pursued the man with just as much aggression.

This race was between Arthur and Emrys, they all knew it. They were vying for the first spot at the final race. Emrys had won all but one race and so he was expected to get that first sot but Arthur wanted it too, and if he could win this race, he'd have it.

~

Merlin held onto the wheel tightly. He was done playing and this was him showing it. There was no thought, no calculation, no watching out. He was there and up front and he was forcibly taking the race by storm. He went around corners sharply, tugging on his wheel harshly, it was a surprise he hadn't broken an axel or lost a tire.  
"You okay, M?" Gwaine asked as Merlin pulled in for a pit stop, rather grudgingly.

"Fine." Merlin replied, itching to get back out there. The rush was ten times for some reason, maybe because Merlin wasn't holding back and that earlier he was able to surround himself with the sounds and smells of the track, he had already been given the high of being there and this was just an add on. He pulled hard out of the pit lane, storming back onto the track, a small bit of laughter bubbling from his chest at the speed. This, this was racing. This was taking the gloves off and giving it all you had. What a way to bring about a debut.

~

There was no chance Arthur could catch up. Everyone was struggling to keep up. This was unlike everything he'd ever seen. Emrys was brilliant, absolutely brilliant and it made him want to grind his teeth together. He slammed his hand against the wheel, shouting abuse through his headset.

"Will you stop already Arthur? I know you're pissed, you're pissed every time you walk onto a track and Emrys is there. I know you hate that he's better than you, but you need to get over that because if you don't, Morgause will pass you this next turn." Leon snapped. It cooled Arthur down and if he'd been one to apologize right away, he would have then.

~

Merlin gave a small whoop when he zipped past the finish line, the flag waving like crazy. He'd never been that determined to really, really, win in a long time. It was an amazing feeling. The best feeling he could come up with, it was like those hugs. He was floating on cloud nine.

"That was amazing, M." Gwaine murmured as he helped Merlin out. Merlin hissed as he came into contact wit his hip again. The bruise was a reoccurring one. "Sorry." Gwaine muttered as Merlin stood upright. Merlin noticed Arthur throw his helmet at one of his workers and he held back a shudder. He walked unsteadily to the makeshift stage, accepting the trophy before handing it off because of the fatigue. Racing was always so exhausting, but worth it. He was feeding of the excitement around him from Gwaine and the crew that he didn't notice Arthur approaching him with Hunith at his side.

"Show me." Arthur said quietly, voice wavering, and everyone stilled. "At least allow me to look the man who continually wipes the floor with me in the eye." He said, chin raised in challenge. This was more than Merlin was hoping for.

~

Arthur watched as Emrys tugged his gloves off, a dragon tattoo on his right hand. His heart clenched and he started to shake his head, tears threatening to spill. It was silent, the air so thick with tension it could have been cut with a spoon. Those long fingers reached under his helmet, head bowed. He slowly pulled it off, revealing inch upon inch of black hair until he held the blue helmet in his hand, head still hung low. He looked up at them. Hunith gasped, hand flying to her mouth.

Merlin. It was Merlin. Of course it was Merlin. His face was hard and unreadable as he stared at Arthur, cool blue eyes hard as sapphires and defiant. Arthur's body acted without his mind processing what was actually happening. He swung at Merlin with all his might, curled fist connecting with Merlin's face.

Merlin, being the unstable fool his was, fell backwards. Gwaine caught him roughly under his arms. Merlin looked up at Arthur, dragging a hand across his mouth as he pulled himself back up. Arthur's eyes were wide. He couldn't believe he just did that. Merlin's lip was split and bleeding and there was going to be a bruise on Merlin's pale and suddenly not so innocent face.

"I deserved that." He said with a dark chuckle, rubbing the blood from his hand on his white shirt, his jacket billowing hazardously in the win. He didn't look angry, just tired.

"Merlin." Huntih whispered, voice breaking, and Merlin closed his eyes in pain and guilt and something else Arthur didn't understand.

"Don't" He said in a strained whisper, hands clenching. Hunith pulled back, chest heaving with effort as the tears ran relentlessly down her cheeks. Arthur acted on instinct. He reached out to Merlin, saying his name softly, apologetically. Merlin recoiled sharply, eyes flying open and blazing.

"No." He said. "I'm not doing this. You wanted to look the man who beat you again and again in the eye, well here I am. You don't get to do anything. Not now." Not here. He didn't add in his low and sharp voice. He didn't want to break then and there, that was a thing to be conducted in private. He couldn't bare to look at his mother's tearful and hurt face, as she because a blubbering mess at seeing Merlin as he really was, or Arthur and his wide blue eyes, words begging to be formed on the tip of his tongue.

So, Merlin walked away. Something he wished he wasn't good at. He bounded down the steps, head high as he moved farther and farther away. He turned around a few steps later, hand stretched out as he continued to move backwards. "Keys." He ordered and Gwaine launched them without hesitation at the raven-haired man. Merlin scrunched his eyes in concentration, plucking the keys out of the air with practiced ease, gripping a single key in particular and Hunith gasped again whispering something about Balinor. 

Merlin turned around, jogging back to his garage. Arthur turned to look at Gwaine.

"You knew." He stated.

"I did."

"You kept it to yourself. For five years." Arthur accused.

"I did. It wasn't my secret to tell, I was only asked to keep it. He didn't want you all to worry because Balinor died." Gwaine snapped, shoving past Arthur and following after Merlin.

~

Merlin stood behind a wanna be podium, trying to see past the camera flashes and attempting to hold back a groan.

"I don't do these type of things, so bear with me here." He said and the questions were shouted at him.

"Have you always been Emrys? Why did you assume a secret identity? Is Arthur your lover? Why didn't you tell your family and friends?" Merlin waved a hand, jaw clenched, and they fell silent. Merlin's eyes were cold and hard.

"I took up racing when I was eighteen because it was what I loved to do. Yes, my father did die while racing, but that didn't lessen my love for the sport. Hell, it only made me more determined to race and to win. So yes, I've always been Emrys. I chose to reveal myself today for a simple reason. My mother is awarding the Albion ring this year as apart of the recognition of the tenth anniversary of my father's death and I couldn't accept that as anyone but myself. And I plan to win as myself, Merlin Ambrosias."

Merlin walked away after that, refusing to answer any other questions as he brushed passed photographers, a frown on his face. This was the part he hated, the part he could live without. The pictures and the wanna be reporters and the spotlight. He ran a hand through his hair as he finally made it to his car, glad to be behind the wheel and having the ability to reestablish the barrier between him and the world. He drove away to his office, the place he had been camping out in recently, missing the confused and hurt and longing look Arthur gave him as Merlin sped off.

~

 

He still couldn't believe it. Merlin was Emrys. He should've known. The signs were there. It was all there. Right in front of his eyes and he couldn't see it until it was shoved in his face like a bright neon light. Arthur was even more lost. He didn't know Merlin at all. That's what hurt the most. He hurried past the reporters who began to spring questions at him about Merlin, his car door closing before the tears fell and he broke. Merlin always seemed to be able to make him break.


	10. The Triumph

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So next chapter. Also, this chapter is a little choppy and has an angry vibe to it but it works, so enjoy.

Arthur had never felt so lost, so broken, so confused. Merlin was Emrys. Some days, that thought hit him like a punch to the gut. Other days he wanted to hit himself because it was just so obvious. Merlin was always at the races 'Emrys' was. Merlin went to the dinners and the galas. He knew all the concepts and feels and works of a race. Merlin was never in the stands at the races this year. He was never in the stands at the races 'Emrys' was in. It made Arthur feel a fool. But no one else seemed to have connected those dots either.

Then, on rare days, Arthur just wanted to know why. He wanted to hold Merlin as the wiry man explained everything and then, then put this past them. He wanted so desperately to have his arms around the other man, to feel that warming comfort that always accompanied Merlin. He tried to deny those days. It didn't really work. Not with Merlin everywhere.

The paparazzi were having a field day with the identity of the unmasked racer. His face was plastered everywhere they could find room on a damn page. It was part of the reason why Arthur wasn't seeking the raven-haired man out. There was one picture of Merlin running around a practice track, sweat dripping down his forehead. Another was him smoking, a series of smoke rings out and steadily disappearing in front of him. At least a handful of him lounging atop his car in various positions, a few of him asleep. There was one, one that made Arthur bite his lip, of Merlin still wet from what Arthur inferred to be a shower.

That's when the blonde realized Merlin wasn't at his apartment. He finally mustered up the courage to go there and Merlin was no where to be found. It was obvious he hadn't been in his apartment for weeks. Someone had, but that someone wasn't Merlin. The shoes were lined up by the door, Merlin left them haphazardly all over the place. The papers on his counter were lined up and stack neatly, Merlin just kinda let them fall when he threw them. Merlin wasn't exactly an organized person, or at least he hadn't been before. He could've been for all Arthur knew.

Arthur walked hesitantly to Merlin's bedroom, easing the door open. The sight he was greeted with was shocking. The bed was empty, but that wasn't what made Arthur stop and just freeze as a revelation hit him. Merlin had withdrawn before that last race, from his friends and family, but apparently from his home as well. The sheets were rumbled, curling up at the bottom two corners and the comforter was twisted over itself. A bed only looked like that when Arthur slept in it. Merlin hadn't slept in his own bed since Arthur had last stayed there just about two months ago. The knowledge hit Arthur somewhere in his chest but he forced it aside and all but fled the apartment, chest heaving in, he didn't know what. Not really. He was so lost.

~

The pictures showed Merlin, blank face, almost like he was thinking deeply, contemplating what was happening, what was going around him. They showed that he was eating again, his clothes didn't look like they were hanging on an empty frame. The circles under his eyes, had all but disappeared. They were still there, just barely. A hint of purple under surprisingly bright blue eyes. Bright because he was on the verge of crying. The photographers only caught Merlin at moments where he seemed almost at peace. They didn't catch what happened mere minutes after the pictures were taken. If they had, the world (Arthur) might have seen how Merlin really was. Mid-run he collapsed on the ground, shuddering violently, head shaking, tears pouring from his bright, blue eyes. His hand was shaking as he took a drag on his only relief anymore, his cigarette, before it fell from his hand completely and he just stared at it unsure of what to do next. What to do period.

Merlin was broken. The obvious rejection from not only Arthur but everyone he cared about, aside from Gwaine and Lancelot, had caused the poor, fragile man to snap. He was brittle and he snapped. Snapped in so many pieces, pieces that scattered to the wind, Merlin didn't think he could piece himself back together in the end. Humpty Dumpty really couldn't be put back together again it seemed. 

~

The one picture though, the one that made Arthur stop and think, was such a simple one of Merlin. He was sitting on the hood of his car, one leg dangling towards the ground over the side while the other was bent and pulled to his chest. He had his cheek resting against his knee. In his hand, which also dangled towards the ground, was his helmet, the one he had thrown so violently after the charity dinner, and it stared at it with such a saddened gaze. It made Arthur's chest hurt even more, but he wasn't going to talk to Merlin. Not yet. Everything was still too confusing. Too painful.

~

Bits and pieces of the day and its events flashed across Merlin's mind with brutal clarity. The tears in his mother's eyes. The ones, streaming down Arthur's face silently. The sneers. The tears the ran down his own face. The gasping pain in his chest that took him by such surprise. It hit the worst that first day, the day of the reveal. The day Merlin told the truth, the full truth. What a joyride that was. Merlin found himself standing at the base of the stairs in the office building, tears racing down his cheeks before he found the energy to move up the stairs and he collapsed onto his 'bed' meaning his couch and slept for three days. It was one of the best sleeps of his life, even if Arthur hadn't been present.

Merlin went through the motions after that. He trained and ate and slept and then repeated, like the cycle was an old record on a broken loop. Repeating. Repeating. R-repeating. R-r-r-repeating. Repeating. It worried Gwaine a tad bit. It worried Lance too. But the two knew better, they knew Merlin. This is what he did. He slipped into a cycle, a rhythm, a habit, and went along with it until he was better and came back. He always came back. So maybe Humpty Dumpty just needed time. 

~

Lunches were quieter affairs now. Merlin never showed up, but they didn't really expect him to. Arthur always held an inkling of hope that he would, but Merlin never did. It made sense, in some deep, twisted way that was their relationship, but it hurt. Arthur was good at burying hurt. Something he had in common with Merlin, oddly enough. The group just kind of looked at one another, each waiting for another to say Merlin's name. It always broke the spell. Or Gwaine's. The man was gone too and as equally twisted, it hurt Arthur too.

"So, who would've guessed." Percival said, breaking the pliable tension.

"Yeah. Who would've guessed that someone you were so close to, could be such a stranger. A liar." Arthur muttered, biting back his anger. That's what did for Lance. A slap against the table had all of them staring intently at the normally peaceful man, who looked so angry. So angry. Even Gwen was startled.

"Are you all really doing this?" He asked sharply and most of them visibly flinched. It didn't stop Lance.

"You knew?!" Arthur demanded, angry, so angry, and hurt. The hits just kept coming.

"I did. I knew before he entered the American circuit." Arthur gaped at him.

"And you didn't say anything?!" He sputtered and Lance's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"No. Merlin wanted to stay a secret until he was ready. I honored that."

"You honored a lie?" Morgana exclaimed, breaking into the conversation. She too was sounded by Merlin's omission.

"I did. Because it had honorable intentions. Merlin knew that if you guys were aware of his career, you would only look at him in worry and fear. Fear that he would die too. That he would be just like Balinor. Merlin didn't want that, for any of you nor for himself. So he raced secretly because let's face it, that man is addicted to racing. He can't stay away. He won't until the day he is six feet in the ground." Everyone flinched and Arthur forced away the image of a too young Merlin, lying cold in a coffin, waiting to be put into the ground.

"Merlin told you because he didn't want to lie anymore. He didn't want to have to hide who he was, who he has always been. And he only did that when it was physically harming him. The attack from Cenred. Those bruises were gnarly and painful to look at." Arthur sucked in a sharp breath, he hadn't fallen at all. He replayed the fight in his mind, flinching as he realized it was Merlin who took the beating. "That lie also caused him to stop eating, to stop sleeping. It turned him into a zombie because he couldn't confine in you. In any of you. Because of this, this right here. The backhanded comments he can't defend himself against. The worried looks you throw at each other. This isn't what he wanted, but he did it anyway because he felt you deserved the truth. And I refuse to sit here and watch and listen to this. This, this is beneath you. Beneath you all and I refuse to participate."

It was easily the worst scolding Arthur had ever received and he felt thoroughly chagrined. They all did, even poor Gwen who had kept mostly silent.

"Where are you going, Lance?" He looked at her softly, warmly.

"I'm going to spend time with Merlin. He needs it. And I can't sit here any longer. I'll see you at home." He gave her hand a quick kiss and the whole scene amazed Arthur. That Lance could be so angry, and at her at little bit, but he still loved her. He still spoke affectionately to her. He walked away only glancing back once to give her a small smile. It made Arthur's already battered heart ache. Ache for something he hadn't realized he was missing. And part of it was his fault.

~

The race had come so quickly. Merlin was surprised to realize that fact. It seemed like it was yesterday when Arthur had seen him without his helmet on and had punched him. Merlin didn't really know. He had lost all track of time after that last race. He could barely tell you what day of the week it was. So he had been thoroughly surprised when Gwaine asked him if he was packed.

"Packed?" he was utterly confused.

"The race, it's the day after tomorrow. You said you wanted to spend the night before there. We're supposed to be leaving in the morning." Merlin had no idea. He scratched the back of his head.

"Really?" Gwaine nodded, a worried look creeping onto his face.

"I'll be ready. Can you do me a favor though?" He asked. Gwaine, cautiously nodded before Merlin sighed in relief and told him his request. It wasn't anything terrible or even worrisome, which Gwaine was thankful for. He really was.

~

Arthur stood by Balinor's grave, checking his watch every few minutes. He had expected Merlin to show up. He always showed up at Balinor's grave before a race. Something that had made more sense to Arthur after finding out Merlin was Emrys. He glanced down at his watch again, turning around in a circle impatiently. A cold voice stopped him.

"What are you doing here?" It was Gwaine. Not Merlin. Gwaine was holding a bouquet of flowers. Dragon flowers.

"I was hoping to catch Merlin." Arthur admitted. Gwaine gave him a look of something like understanding with a hint of what might have been pity or sympathy. 

"Merlin's not here. He's already in Boulder for the race. He didn't want to come here because of the press, so he asked me to." Gwaine's originally accosting voice was softer now. He was one of the few who could always see past Arthur's facade. He could see that Arthur was nervous, that Arthur was hoping, so desperately hoping to catch Merlin before the race and Merlin had gone out and thwarted him yet again.

"Oh." Arthur sounded so broken. He and Merlin was so alike some days it was painful to see, see how parallel the two were. They were similar and yet opposite, counterparts and then the same hand on a clock.

"I'm sorry." Gwaine said and Arthur looked up sharply from where he had been studying his feet. "I really am." Arthur nodded, understanding what he was saying. The man was sorry about having to lie to them for so long and about Merlin. Well, he was and then he wasn't. He was sorry, because they were his friends, or at least that's what he'd like to believe. On the other hand, he wasn't. He would almost always side with Merlin because Merlin had done a lot of things for Gwaine, including dragging the always happy man out of his stupor of mindless drinking and hopping from place to place without a reason.

"It's okay. I would've done the same." Arthur said, moving out of the way so Gwaine could place the flowers down on the grave for Merlin.

"I'll see you at Boulder, I guess." Gwaine nodded."I normally don't say this to the competition, but good luck. You're gonna need it." He gave a grin and Arthur couldn't help but return it.

"I am." He replied with a nod before he headed out, hands stuffed in his jacket pockets. It was raining again. It always seemed to rain when he was at the cemetery. He shook his head, fighting a grin, a real one he hadn't had in a while, at the thought of Gwaine telling him good luck and that this would be the first real race against Merlin. His stomach and heart clenched a tad bit at the that, but his heart also started to race because this next race with Merlin, this was the real deal. The real deal to see just who Merlin Amrbosias was, and what he could do. What the man could do with nothing holding him back. 

~

Merlin rolled his shoulders a bit, clenching and then releasing his hands. This was it. He was finally here. The last stop, the final challenge. He was ready. Beyond ready. He lit a cigarette, inhaling deeply letting the nicotine rush come over him.

"Those things are going to kill you." Gwaine muttered and Merlin threw him a look.

"I know." He took another hit, the end glowing a bright red and Gwaine rolled his eyes. Merlin smiled around the cancer stick before standing up and heading outside of his garage, trying to hide his involuntary flinch at the loud increase in screams form the fans as he appeared.

~

Arthur was watching Merlin's garage, odd how it was no longer Emrys this and Emrys that, but Merlin this and Merlin that. The man in question appeared. He was wearing his normal racing suit, tight and blue and silver. The colors made sense now. He wasn't wearing a helmet, his hair pressed flat against his head, blue eyes bright, face full, he looked relaxed. He looked like Merlin again. Happy, content, confident, full of life. This was the Merlin he missed.

Merlin dropped the rest of his cigarette and stomped it out under his foot. He was wearing his ratty converse again and Arthur couldn't believe he hadn't noticed them before. When Merlin moved he realized why he hadn't noticed the shoes. Merlin was fit and those pants were tight.

He watched unabashedly as Merlin moved from his garage entrance to his car. Merlin moved with a renewed grace and Arthur found himself mesmerized by the man once more. He never realized just how good Merlin looked in his racing suit and just how natural it was. But then Merlin knelt down, resting on the balls of his feet and pressed a hand against the track, head bowed down. His lips were moving, as he spoke wordlessly. That's when it hit Arthur again, sending him reeling. He was accosted with imagines of Emrys at every other final race the man had attended. He knelt down and whispered a prayer or something, hand resting against the pavement before standing up and essentially waxing everyone else.

He reeled at the imagines and forced them away. Merlin was a champion racer. A winner. A ruthless driver who had never backed down from a challenge. He looked back up to catch Merlin's eyes, seeing the hint of pain and remorse flicker across his face before the wiry man turned away and reach for his helmet and gloves. Arthur frowned and forcibly grabbed his own helmet, trying to ignore Merlin. It didn't work. Merlin invaded his thoughts again and Arthur turned to watch.

Merlin pulled the helmet down over his mop of black hair, tightening his gloves before he fluidly hauled himself into his car and Arthur realized he should do the same. This was a race after all and Merlin was his competition.

~

"You got his M." Gwaine said as he hooked up his headset and took his seat, a nod to Leon.

"I'm not worried, Gwaine." Cocky bastard. Gwaine thought with a smile before he shifted in his seat and waited for the race to start. He was nervous enough for the two of them. 

The race started and it seemed like everyone was out to not win, but ensure that Merlin did not. He got trapped by two racers, giving Arthur the front spot. Merlin couldn't get out for the rest of the practice lap and that pissed the man off, if his low growl of frustration was anything to go by.

"Relax." Gwaine ordered, receiving a sigh from Merlin.

Merlin gave a small grin of triumph as one of the other racers slipped up and he slipped through the hole narrowly, speeding up quickly to catch up to the other racers. This was his race. They were not going to take it away from him by being blockers so that he didn't win and neither did they. He ground his teeth as he fought for every inch of ground. He finally pulled away from the pack, moving closer to Arthur with several other racers hurrying to catch up to the leader.

"This is starting to piss me off." Merlin muttered as he swung around another corner pulling up close to Arthur, hands tight on the wheel. He had lost precious time because of the idiotic racers around him and instead of being cozy in front with a steady lead, he was fighting Arthur for the front spot. That's when it happened. Merlin miscalculated and he knew it. That's what he got for thinking in an instinctual setting.

His tires lost traction and Athusia spun slightly, Arthur pulling ahead effectively. Merlin yelled in aggravation as he fought to regain control of his car. It took a few moments. A few precious moments. Now he was fighting for second with a blonde racer, and not the one he liked. Morgause.

~

"Leon, what happened?" Arthur asked suddenly, hearing the squeal of tires. His heart sped up as he thought of Merlin spinning out of control, crashing, and then dying.

"His tires lost traction. He's fine. Just lost control for a moment, but he's fine." Leon repeated, reassuring not only himself but Arthur. They were both at their wits end with Merlin being in the race and that, that right there, scared the shit out of both of them.

"He's okay. He's okay." Arthur repeated like a mantra as he sped around a corner.

~

"Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!" Merlin shouted, a fist hitting the wheel as he hugged a corner tightly to pick up time and distance.

"Watch it Merlin. I get that you messed up, but focus. Morgause is closing in on you in a way I don't like." Gwaine stated, forcing Merlin to stop getting upset at his slip up. One that could have been worse. Merlin noticed what Gwaine did. Morgause was pushing towards him, forcing him closer to the wall. Merlin could see her smirk. He threw back his gears and pulled back behind her sharply, heading to the outside. It effectively shocked her and Gwaine.

"I'm not dealing with this. Not now. Not again." Merlin growled as he changed gears again and spurring the car forward in a rushed manner. He pulled up suddenly beside Morgause. He inched closer and closer and closer until she either had to back away like he did or run up against his car or the wall. She decided to pull back.

"Merlin." Gwaine warned.

"Not now, Gwaine." He snapped as he swung around a corner pulling closer to Arthur. "I have a race to win." Gwaine didn't say anything else. The stunt Merlin had pulled was dangerous and it had Gwaine on the edge of his seat.

Merlin let his eyes close for a second, shutting out everything. He was thinking and it was starting to cost him this race, the race he couldn't lose. The sounds were there, the smells, the high. This was what racing was supposed to be. Not thought, never thought. Thinking complicated it and that was not something he could allow. He didn't realize he had his eyes stilled closed until he found himself going around a corner. He smiled. This was what racing was.

"You doing okay, M?" Gwaine asked. He didn't receive an answer but maybe that was how it was supposed to be.

~

Arthur bit back a gasp as Merlin swung past him, tires screeching and engine purring loudly. Somehow he ended up going from second or third to passing Arthur like it was an everyday occurrence.

"What did I miss?" Arthur asked as he willed to move faster and tried to find a way around Merlin.

"Well, Morgause put him in a pickle. Forced him against the wall and he retaliated. Forced her there before he just came out of no where really. Pissed Gwaine the hell off." Arthur gave a small smile. It must have been something big if Gwaine was noticeably pissed from a distance. He just tired to keep up, to find a way to get past the man who had come out of no where.

He didn't catch up. Merlin was in too much control, so far in his element, there was no catching up. It was a fact Arthur was pissed at. He had never done this bad in a circuit in his entire life, and he was in second. What made the wound to his ego though was that Merlin was first. He clambered out of his car, watching as Merlin hauled himself out of his.

~

Merlin pulled his helmet off quickly and almost painfully. He was seething and threw his helmet to the ground, startling everyone around him as it cracked and bounced. Gwaine was startled, he moved to Merlin, ready to ask what was going on when Merlin stormed past him. He stormed past everyone, ignoring the curious stares, the glares, and the overall looks. He ignored Arthur and Leon too.

Arthur looked after Merlin, scrambling after him. He was curious as to what had Merlin so angry, it seemed to radiate from him. Arthur saw Merlin's target. Cenred. Arthur wondered worriedly if this was some sort of revenge about the way he treated Arthur when they were together because Merlin had been a furious man after that incident. 

Cenred broke away from Morgause, watching Merlin in an amused manner. He obviously wasn't expecting what happened next. Merlin's arm pulled back quickly, before surging forward and connecting with Cenred's jaw instantly. Arthur gasped with just about everyone there. Cenred fell back to the floor and there was suddenly a circle around the two, like it was some petty high school fight. Merlin went in for another punch when Gwaine surged forward and grabbed his arm.

"He's not worth it Merlin." He muttered. Merlin, still seething, pulled his arm free but didn't move to hit the other man again. His rage was easy to read on his face. The sun hit his eyes in such a way they looked gold, a gold fire in a way, and Arthur was worried the man would get carried away. Cencred looked up at Merlin, wiping blood from the corner of his mouth.

"To think I never thought you would hit back." He said cockily and Merlin's eyes narrowed dangerously.

"This is over." He started in a low, cold, and dangerous voice. Arthur froze, he had never heard Merlin sound like that. "I got over you attacking me." Arthur flinched as he remembered the brutal scene. "Even if it was because I refused to take me helmet off. I let it go when you had Morgause go after the people I care about. I let it go when she decided to threaten me by trying to use my identity against me. I could even get over this latest stunt." He paused, flexing his hand. "This is over." He repeated.

"Why, is little racer Merlin threatening me?" Cenred asked, cocking an eyebrow. A dark smile crossed Merlin's lips.

"No. This is a warning. Come after me or those I care about again, and you will regret it. A warning holds a promise, a threat does not. A threat leaves room for question, room for pushing. There are none here, do you understand me?" Merlin asked, eyes cold. The brave look on Cenred's face dropped and was replaced by apprehension as he stared up at Merlin. Morgause gave a small smirk. Merlin caught it.

"Don't think what I said doesn't hold true anymore." He warned lowly and she froze. "You two would do best to leave me alone. I'm not someone you want to mess with." He told them both. It was true. He had the power and the money to make anyone's life a living hell. They both, nodded pale-faced. Merlin turned on his heel suddenly, the other racers and pit crew members parting for him like the red sea. Gwaine watched after him.

"Gwaine. What was that about?" Arthur asked as the crowd dispersed after that. He didn't understand the full picture. 

"Cenred attacked him at the first race this year. Then he had Morgause come after you in the race on Balinor's track. Then when they figured out his identity they planned to use it as blackmail but Merlin didn't back down. He turned the table actually. And then, she went after him again this race. He snapped. And for good reason to." Gwaine murmured before walking away. It clicked in place for Arthur, hearing Merlin's words repeat in his mind. He was one of those Merlin cared about.

~

Merlin walked up onto the stage, seeing his mother smile brightly at him. He grinned and held back the tears that threatened to spill. She moved to hand him the trophy and ring. He set the trophy on the ground, pulling his mother into a bone crushing hug. The hugs. God, he loved the hugs. She returned his hug just as warmly.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He whispered into her hair over and over again, clinging onto her tightly. He hadn't hugged her like this is so long. He had missed it.She had missed it too. 

"It's okay, Merlin. It's okay." She told him warmly, rubbing his back, they way she did when he was a child. She was crying too but was glad to have her baby back. Everyone was too wrapped up in the mother-son moment to see Arthur hurrying away. The scene hurt deep inside, missing his dead mother, and the connection he had with Merlin so many years ago. He just needed some time to think. And to think he needed to stay away from Merlin for just a little while.


	11. The Reasons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got bored, so another chapter for you.

It had been month since the race. A month since Merlin had won the ring and hit Cenred. It had been two months since he revealed himself to the world as the almost infamous racer, Emrys. Two months since he had talked to Arthur. That's what hurt the most. It was his fault and he knew it, maybe that's what made the hurt so terrible and deep. He had effectively driven those around him away. Well, not those anymore. He had made amends with everyone besides Arthur and it wasn't all that surprising. Merlin had hurt him the most. What goes around comes around and this was just that case. Even Morgana had found it in her to forgive him and she was the hardest to convince, aside from her blonde brother.

It was Leon who had helped. Merlin had showed up at their house, looking apologetic and bearing a platter of enchiladas. That's what got him through the door. What got him past the entryway was Leon who was just glad to see Merlin okay and happy. Merlin was happy or at least happier. Things were still fucked up but it was better. Merlin felt better. 

Morgana gave him a disdainful glare before Leon hurried away, taking the food with him. It had taken Merlin explaining to her everything and how while fairly cowardly, he didn't want those close to him worrying about him dying while on the track. She accepted it in the end just as Merlin was about to give up on his apology, pulling him into a bone-crushing hug. God, how he loved hugs. She had called him an idiot, crying all the while.

Gwen was in the same boat as Lance and he was welcomed back with open arms by the almost sickly, adorable couple. Percival and Elyan were returned to the friend's side with a few rounds of beer and a promise that if Merlin pulled another stunt like that, they'd kill him themselves.

That left Arthur. He was avoiding Merlin like he was the black plague and while it was understandable, Merlin couldn't help but feel hurt and it was all his fault. He saw where Arthur was coming from and accepted the guilt easily. There wasn't anyone else to blame. He, himself, and him. All this was his fault and while it clenched around his fragile heart tightly, he did his best to shoulder it. That was all he could really do. He had called, waited outside Arthur's apartment, outside his office/practice track. He'd sent messages, even sent flowers once. Merlin rather enjoyed the red that crawled up Arthur's neck and then covered his cheeks when he saw the flowers and then the card that Merlin had simply signed with two 'X's. Arthur had thrown the flowers an indignant look before glaring out the window, seeing Merlin's head of messy black hair and scowled in his direction. Arthur didn't throw the flowers out.

~

Arthur walked into the bar, a small smile on his face. He had just gotten through a hundred laps with ease and was ready to drink the night away. He was in a good mood. Nothing could bring him down. Drinks with friends. Like they used to do. He stopped short when he reached the table. Everyone was there, happy and laughing, Gwaine included. That wasn't what stopped him mid-stride though. No. it was Merlins jacket on the back of a chair. And the fact that Merlin was returning from the bathroom, a small smile crossing his face when he saw Arthur. It dropped and he stopped as he saw the conflicting that emotions running through Arthur and across his face. Arthur wasn't ready to talk to Merlin yet, wasn't ready to hear what he had to say. He just wanted to think about the whole situation some more and then eventually race all thoughts away. He couldn't do that sitting beside Merlin at the bar.

"Arthur?" Merlin asked quietly, hesitating. Everyone at their table turned around and watched the two, apprehension thick enough to part with a sheet of paper. He couldn't do this right now, he chest was too tight and he just didn't want to deal with this. Not now. He turned on his heel, almost sprinting out of the bar. Merlin went after him.

"Arthur?!" He called out again and Arthur couldn't help but look over his shoulder at Merlin. The man looked almost desperate, almost pleading. Arthur thought maybe he shouldn't be shutting Merlin out as much as he was, but he still couldn't deal with all this right now. His mind and his heart still needed time. Time away from Merlin. Space. He hurried down the street, trying to ignore the 'dammit' Merlin let out. The following clatter led Arthur to assume he had kicked a trash can or something. He didn't look back a second time.

~

"Dammit!" Merlin practically yelled as he let out his frustration and kicked the nearest object, angry at himself. One hand fisted in his hair and he gave a sharp tug to help control his outburst. He shook his head, calming down.

"Such an idiot." He whispered to himself before putting his hands in his pockets, forgetting about his jacket completely. He was trying, trying so hard to talk to Arthur. He knew Arthur needed some space and time, but some days, he didn't know what to do anymore.

~

Arthur moved silently through the cemetery, stopping under a tree. It hid him from sight with its low hanging branches. He, well, he wasn't exactly visiting anyone; his mother was in a different graveyard. He heard from a not so subtle grapevine that Merlin would be here today. Merlin seemed to talk to his dad whenever he was feeling out of it, lost, or just broken. Arthur knew it was wrong to listen in on a private conversation between Merlin and his dad, but it would give Arthur an insight to the scattered mind that was Merlin's and what he was doing. No barriers, no lies, just Merlin speaking from his heart. However sewn up together it was.

"I told them. I finally got around to it." Merlin started, one hand rubbing the back of his neck. A nervous habit of his that he had had since childhood.

"It turned out pretty much like I expected it would. Mom cried. Morgana cried. Gwen cried. Percy and Elyan were shocked and angry. And Arthur, well, Arthur punched me. I don't blame him. Was a nasty right hook, hurt to eat for at least a week." He gave a small chuckle, a hand ghosting over his jaw.

"It was pretty much what I expected." He repeated quietly, hands falling to his side. "I did it though. Told them and it feels better. Like this weight's gone from my shoulders." He paused. "I-I won. I finally did it. I guess that's something." His hands were clenched tightly by his side before Merlin slowly lowered himself to the ground, knees bent with his arms resting across the tops of them.

"I-I don't regret what I did." He started again and Arthur almost turned around and left. "I do regret things though, Dad. I regret the way I did it. The way I lied to everyone, hid behind a damn helmet. It feels so cowardly when I think about it. Makes me feel sick when I reflect on it." He stopped, head hung low and letting out a dry chuckle.

"I'm really fucked up Dad. I really am. I didn't want anyone to worry about me while I drove because I didn't want them to see me dying like you did. So I pushed them all away. Every single one of them. I regret that too. Pushing Mom and A-Arthur away. The only one I didn't really push away was Gwaine. But that's because he knew me as the racer, not the son of a dead racer." Merlin stopped again, running a hand across his face. Arthur almost left his spot under the tree and over to him to comfort the man.

"I regret that too. Gwaine's a good guy, he really is and I've been pretty shitty to him." Merlin sounded like he was crying or close to it. Arthur's heart clenched but he refused to move. "And Gili. I regret that whole night. Kissing him like that. Then driving afterwords. I shouldn't have been driving, I was too hammered to really walk straight. I'm lucky I didn't crash. Broke my helmet though." Merlin added as an afterthought. Arthur had to place a hand against the tree to steady himself. He knew that was a rough night for Merlin, but he didn't realize just what Merlin did after that.

"But I won. That's something, right? I finally have the ring. Like I always wanted. It wasn't quite as satisfying as I thought it would be. It almost feels like a weight. I can't wear it. Not even around my neck like I do yours." Arthur glanced down at his hand, a finger trailing across his own ring.

"I-I..." Merlin paused, hands going to his hair. "I can't even drive anymore. I can't sit behind the wheel of a car without getting this intense pain in my chest. I start breathing real hard and I just can't do it. I don't know why but it hurts. Driving used to be the thing that calmed me, made me able to forget about everything. Now I can't even access it." He heaved such a heavy sigh and it again too all Arthur's strength to not moved towards him.

"It's been pretty rotten since the big 'reveal', as the press have been calling it, in some places. It'd be better but I can't get Arthur to talk to me. I understand, but still. Hell, I even sent him flowers once as an incentive to talk. It didn't work but he didn't throw them away right after he figured out they were from me, so that's something." Merlin gave a small laugh. Arthur couldn't help but smile. The flowers were pretty girly but he had liked them, loved them really. They had stayed on his desk until his father had gave the long-since dead flowers a distasteful glare and simply shoved them off Arthur's desk and into the trash.

"The nightmares have stopped." Merlin said suddenly, pulling Arthur from his thoughts. That alone almost made Arthur jumped for joy.

"They were of you at first. Then Arthur dying like you did. For a little while though, it was me. All alone on a track. My friends had been there at first but they left, shaking their heads at me. Ignoring my cries at them to stop. But they've stopped. They've stopped." He repeated. "I don't have to take pills anymore to sleep. I can actually sleep." His body shook and Arthur realized he was crying and sobbing. But they were relieved tears; Merlin was smiling.

"I'll take what I can get, for now. I'm gonna go, Dad. Just wanted to talk to you, say everything that's happened and was on my chest." Merlin hauled himself up from the ground, touching the tombstone lightly. He scrubbed a hand across his face, removing the last bit of evidence of his tears. Arthur watched him walk away towards the end of the cemetery, pulling out an obviously full pack of cigarettes. Merlin studied them for a moment before tossing them in the trash. He smiled again, God, Arthur loved to see Merlin smile. A true smile. Merlin looked up at the clear, sunny sky for a moment before walking out and down the road, head high this time. Arthur smiled softly, making his own way out in the opposite direction.

~

Arthur walked up the walkway to Hunith's house, pocketing his keys. He didn't see the photographers in the bushes, waiting. Hunith had invited him over for dinner and well, Arthur was a sucker for home cooked food made with a loving and tender heart. Just as he reached to open the door, told years ago to just walk in and knock later, it opened before his fingers had a change to touch the bronze knob. Merlin. Arthur's stomach twisted uneasily as he stood face to face with Merlin for a moment. Merlin broke eye contact a second later, it felt longer than that to Arthur. That's when the blonde noticed Hunith beside Merlin. He leaned down, giving his mother a firm hug before stepping from the doorway. He gave a tired sigh as people sprang from the bushes and flashes lit up the front yard. He began down the walkway, blue eyes flicking to Arthur's before he looked away, gazing tiredly at the cameras before shuffling towards the sidewalk and down it. Hunith ushered Arthur inside her house, leading the way to the kitchen.

"Please excuse the mess. Merlin was over for lunch and I forgot to pick up. He stayed later than he planned." Her tone was happy. Merlin normally visited only when he had to and tended to duck out early. A habit he picked up during his masked years. Arthur looked to the table, surprised when there were no enchiladas on the table, but the left overs of potato soup.

"It's fine Hunith. No enchiladas?" He asked and Hunith smiled brightly.

"No. Merlin comes over more often now. Occasionally three or four times a week. Lunches, dinners. He even had breakfast one morning." She sounded so happy. Merlin was really back. Making himself present in the lives of those around him. Except Arthur's, but Arthur had kept his door firmly shut. Merlin was trying to extend an olive branch but Arthur had done just about everything, essentially grabbing it and snapping it.

"Don't worry dear. I've got fresh food on the stove. Tai green curry chicken." Arthur grinned and helped her finish cleaning up the table.

"Did Merlin walk here?" Arthur asked, knowing Merlin lived many, many miles away and there hadn't been a second car in the driveway. Hunith nodded as she moved the chicken around in it's pan.

"He did. Says he's having a hard time being in a car right now. Understandable considering that last race he lost control of his car for a moment and that Morgause almost ran him into the wall." Her voice was tight but she had seemed to have come to terms with the fact that Merlin raced. Raced brilliantly, but almost dangerously. Her words made Arthur remember Merlin talking to his dad and confiding in him his troubles. Arthur could only nod. This dinner was going to be harder than he had originally anticipated.

~

He needed a drink. The dinner wasn't as comforting as they had been in the past. Huntih talked about Merlin. A lot. He really was back, just a bit different. Really him though. It twisted a knife deep within Arthur's heart. They eventually got away from the topic of Merlin, for which Arthur was grateful. Huntih had asked about Arthur's plans for the off season. He hadn't really thought about it. Normally he would travel, free from the track for a little while, but he always returned. When he had no idea, Hunith asked about what he planned to do as his donations and again Arthur had no idea. Until one hit him when he looked up and saw the family picture. Odd that they all called it the family picture when it had Hunith, Balinor, Merlin, Morgana, and a blonde Arthur.

"Maybe donate to the hospital Balinor died in." It slipped out before he had a chance to stop it. Hunith smiled a little watery at him.

"Sounds like a good idea Arthur, but only if you want to." Arthur nodded, knowing maybe he could end up helping somebody's dad. After that they made small talk before Arthur was able to respectfully leave. He went to a bar unknown to his friends, parking a little crookedly in his hurry.

He walked in and his steps faltered again. Merlin. Damn. He was everywhere. He was sitting at the bar, staring down at the beer in his hand. At least it wasn't hard alcohol. Merlin didn't look up to see who the newcomer was and Arthur was grateful. He took a seat at the other end of the bar. Close enough to hear everything Merlin said but far enough to be able to duck his head and go unnoticed.

"Can I buy you a drink?" A man with light brown hair and laughing green eyes asked Merlin, causing him to start just a bit.

"I'm good. Had enough already. Thank you though." Merlin said quietly. The man was undeterred. He slipped onto the stool beside him.

"Girl trouble?" He asked. Merlin shook his head, taking a sip of his beer.

"Guy trouble?" He pressed. Merlin gave a small quirk of his lips and Arthur scowled.

"Yeah, you could say that." Merlin stated, downing the rest of his beer. The man bought him another one anyway. Merlin eyed him carefully, but took a sip of his new drink anyway. Arthur only glared at the green eyed man.

"Well, we could always get out of here. I'm sure I could take you mind off whoever is making such a good looking guy as you frown." Merlin blinked at him.

"Thanks, but no thanks." He said, turning to look back down at his drink. Arthur smiled for half a second. He saw the man's hand drape across Merlin's thigh and it took all of Arthur's control to not go over and pull the man away by his shirt. Merlin pushed the hand off.

"I said no." He repeated.

"Why not babe? I'm unattached, you're unattached." He questioned, replacing his hand.

"I never said I was unattached." Merlin growled and pushed the hand off again.

"Really?" The man asked with a raised eyebrow. "What's this man's name?" He asked. Merlin floundered for a moment. Arthur braced himself for a blow to come, but it didn't.

"A-Arthur." Merlin stuttered and Arthur couldn't hold back a smirk. The man was unconvinced. He replaced his hand and Merlin all but jumped off his stool. He shakily pulled out some bills, slapping them onto the counter before hurrying out the door. He forget his jacket again. The man shook his head and turned to face the bar fully. Arthur took his as his opportunity.

"You know, when someone says no, you should really listen." Arthur said, causing the man to look at him, face contorted in anger.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" He asked. Arthur grinned.

"Arthur." The man paled. Arthur just smiled again and grabbed Merlin's jacket, heading out of the bar. Guess he didn't need that drink after all.


	12. The Closure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another. Warning, it's fluffy. Like warm and fuzzy fluffy and almost suffocatingly fluffy. If that makes sense.

Arthur nodded to Jerry, making his way out onto the track he hoped Merlin would be on. There were no cars zipping around the track though. Arthur frowned, leaning against the concrete wall. He heard some shuffling and turned to the garages seeing what could have been Gwaine ducking into one of them. Curious, Arthur decided to follow after him. It was Gwaine. Arthur, ducked his head into the garage, moving as silently as he could. He was bringing Merlin something to drink and munch on because Merlin was picking at a sandwich and had already finished his drink.

Gwaine looked over, raising an eyebrow at Arthur. He was smiling cockily as he gazed at the blonde. Arthur pressed a finger to his lips and gave Gwaine an almost pleading look. He just shook with silent laughter before the two returned their gazes to Merlin. Merlin was in a pair of jeans and white tank top, soaked with sweat.

"How's the car coming around?" Gwaine asked. Merlin had his eyes closed as was lounging across the bench, head tipped back, eyes closed.

"Okay. Still pulling to the left a little bit and I seem unable to find the cause of the problem." Merlin explained, sounded tired. "I figured that maybe Tristan can help and he could use the experience so I called him over. Who knows, maybe he and I can come up with an explanation as to why Aithusa is pulling to the left still." Merlin sighed, rubbing a hand across his face.

"You'll figure it out. You always do." Gwaine assured and Merlin chuckled dryly. Arthur felt uneasy seeing them, obviously close to each other and made to back out when Gwaine shook his head firmly and Arthur stayed put.

"You know we could always go up to your office till Tristan gets here." Gwaine suggested, a sly smile on his face and Arthur almost lost it.

"I can't do that Gwaine. And you know it." Merlin said tiredly. Gwaine nodded, eyes locked with Arthur's.

"Is it about Arthur?" Gwaine asked and Arthur almost chocked from shock.

"It's always about Arthur." Merlin replied simply and Arthur smiled for half a second. "It's always been about Arthur." Merlin admitted, a hand still covering his face. Gwaine nodded, sorrow clouded his eyes for a minute.

"I know." He said quietly. Merlin sighed and the knife twisted in Arthur's heart at the forlorn look on Gwaine's face as he gazed over at Merlin.

"I'm sorry Gwaine." Merlin whispered. "I've been pretty terrible to you." Gwaine shrugged.

"It is what it is." Replied and Merlin shook his head.

"Doesn't make it any better. Plus, I'm not exactly the best pick out there." Merlin stated. "You should accept those dates Percy keeps asking you out on." He added and Gwaine smiled.

"I should yeah?" He question, scratching his neck nervously.

"Yeah. He's good for you." Merlin said, rubbing his hands together, head still tipped back. Arthur was staring and had to force himself to pay attention to the conversation.

"Okay, I will. Don't give up on Arthur, yeah?" Gwaine asked. Merlin only nodded, hands clenched tightly. Gwaine smiled and sent a look to Arthur. He stood and motioned for Arthur to follow him.

"I'll tell you when Tristan gets here." Merlin only waved lazily at him before laying fully on the bench, legs stretched out. Arthur followed Gwaine.

"Are you done locking him out?" Gwaine asked. "You came here after all." Gwaine's voice was sharp and to the point.

"Yeah, I am." Arthur said, refusing to give into the urge to scratch at his neck. They were rubbing off on him. Gwaine looked relieved.

"Good. He's been pretty beat up about it all. Go in and talk to him." Gwaine practically ordered pushing Arthur back inside the garage. Arthur laughed when he reentered the garage. It made Gwaine question it and follow him in. He laughed too. In the short time they had been outside the garage, Merlin had successfully fallen asleep.

"Typical Merlin." Arthur said with a shake of his head and Gwaine agreed before he left the garage. Arthur moved towards the asleep man, pressing a kiss to his forehead before placing Merlin's arm across his stomach.

"Later I guess." Arthur whispered before he followed Gwaine out.

~

Merlin woke up to the sound of a car revving. He rubbed at his face, extremely groggy. "Wha-?" He asked, sitting up.

"Oh, so you're awake." an amused voice stated. Merlin squinted his eyes, finally able to see. Tristan.

"H-How long 'ave you been here?" He asked, mouth still dry from his sleep.

"A few hours. You were passed out when I came in so I figured you needed sleep, Emrys." He gave Merlin a smirk and Merlin rolled his eyes. He tried to remember everything that had happened before he went to sleep and there was the conversation with Gwaine and then something warm against his forehead. He shrugged unsure of what it was, standing up and giving a stretch.

"Yeah yeah. I'm Emrys. Big deal." Merlin deadpanned as he moved over to the car.

"You could've told me." Merlin snorted.

"I didn't tell anyone until after." Tirstan gave a shrug before returning his attention to the car. "Did you figure out why she's pulling to the left?" Merlin asked, suddenly more awake now than he was a few moments ago.

"I'm pretty sure. There was a loose bolt that I tightened and a hole in the power steering line." Merlin nodded.

"Why didn't I notice that?" He questioned aloud, leaning over the car to inspect it.

"You were obviously tired. I thought you were testing me." Tirstan admitted. Merlin smiled slightly. He really liked the kid. No, he wasn't really a kid. Just a handful of years younger than himself.

"Wasn't my intention but if it helped." He shrugged and was glad to see the other man smile.

"Thank you again for the scholarship." Tristan just about blurted. Merlin grinned.

"Told you to apply. I knew you'd get it." He winked and Tristan just laughed.

"Yeah, picking me just because I'm a friend." Merlin grinned.

"You deserved it. You really did. Plus, all applicants have to make it past my board. But you would've gotten it even if you hadn't." Merlin stated. Tristan said thank you yet again and told Merlin to test Aithusa out to see if she was still pulling to the left. Merlin paled slightly but eventually nodded. He needed to get past this. He grabbed his keys, loving the familiar weight in his hands. Some things would never change. Could never change in the end. 

He slipped into the seat, a helmet on his head for safety. He did like to go fast. "Let's go, little dragon." Merlin whispered as he slipped the key into the ignition. It started and the pressure didn't seem to be weighing down on his chest. He wasn't suffocating. He gave a small laugh before pulling out of the garage and speeding onto the track. He grinned as he moved around a corner, Aithusa responding to each of his touches with ease. Merlin loved it. He went around a few more laps before making himself stop the car. If he didn't do it now, he never would. He gave a relieved laugh and a huge smile as he pulled his helmet off. He smiled at Tristan before handing him the helmet and telling him to give it a go.

Tristan looked scared out of his wits but with enough persuasion Merlin finally got him into the car.

"Just be careful with my little dragon." Merlin warned and Tristan nodded before taking off, his laugh heard over the sound of the engine. Merlin just grinned.  
Arthur stood next to Gwaine, grins on each of their faces as they looked down at the two men on the track from the office. Merlin looked so happy. So alive. He was laughing and smiling and almost jumping into place. It was a sight to see. It warmed Arthur's heart.

~

"Looks like the car is back in order." Arthur stated. Gwaine chuckled.

"Yeah." He replied giving Arthur a grin. They weren't really talking about the car, but that was okay.

"Give Percy a call, man. He'd love it and maybe he'd stop complaining every time he gets hammered." Gwaine grinned a shit eating grin and pulled out his phone walking away. Arthur took a moment to watch Merlin coax the terrified young man into his car, a smile on his face. He'd talk to Merlin. The time needed to be right though and it wasn't right now.

~

Arthur looked up at Merlin's apartment building, Merlin's jacket in his hand. He had meant to be earlier, he really had but he had gotten caught up with his sponsors and then after needing to race away the boredom, he was late. Later than he had wanted to be. Merlin was likely asleep but this needed to be done and if he didn't do it now, there was a chance he might never. A chance he wasn't willing to take. So he mustered up the courage and walked inside the building. The sound of his steps on the stairs seemed to echo back each and everyone of his worries.

What if Merlin didn't want to see him? What if Merlin was tired of waiting? What if Merlin had given up? What if Merlin was with somebody? What if Merlin had left? What if? What if? What if? The thoughts seemed to scream at him, but Arthur would not cave in to his insecurities. He had to believe that his feelings for Merlin was reciprocated and that Merlin would be there. That Merlin, just that Merlin would care and not push Arthur away again. A third time would break Arthur and Arthur did not want to break. To fracture so completely that he might never be puzzled back together again.

Stop. He ordered himself. This was making it worse than it already was and it was pretty bad. Arthur felt sixteen again, asking Merlin to be his date to the prom of all things because Morgana had practically forced him to. His stomach was in knots, he head was fuzzy, and he just couldn't seem to suck in a breath quite right. Nervous, such an unwelcome feeling to Arthur.

Arthur let himself into Merlin's apartment, his chest heaving slightly more when the lights were off. He forced the what ifs away. He walked quietly to Merlin's bedroom assuming that the man was sleeping but from the way the sheets were twisted and eventually thrown to the end of the bed, and the fact that the bed was empty, told him otherwise. He started to breath harder.

Relax. He ordered himself. Relax. He repeated. It was easier to breath. Merlin goes up high when he wants to think. He could just be thinking. Arthur left the room, searching for a door to a balcony but there wasn't one. The roof. Arthur concluded and he quickly made his way up there.

~

Merlin was sitting on the edge of the roof, one leg slung over the edge the other bent with his elbow resting on it, a hand resting in his hair. He heard to door open behind him and a sudden intake of breath. Arthur.

"I'm not going to jump, if that's what you're thinking." Merlin said quietly, never looking away from the silent street below him.

~

Arthur didn't know what he was expecting when he made it to the roof, but what he saw wasn't it. Merlin was shirtless and sitting on the edge of the roof. One wrong move and he would fall. Fall over the edge and land sickly on the ground, life leaving those beautiful blue eyes. The light from the lampposts and the stars gave him an odd aura that highlighted his high cheekbones. A patch of skin on his right side torso was red, irritated with what looked to be black words. His thoughts were broken by Merlin's words.

"I'm not going to jump, if that's what you're thinking." He said in such a low voice, Arthur shivered. Whatever plans he had of what to say to Merlin flew out the window in such a hurry, Arthur was sure that they had jumped themselves.

"Have you thought about it?" He asked just as quietly, standing still.

"Jumping?" Merlin asked. He didn't need an answer. Not really. "No." Merlin said simply and Arthur felt such relief. It was taken away instantly.

"Have I thought about dying before? Yes. Leaving this world behind? Yes. Sleeping it all away? Never waking back up to face a world that just as terrible as my nightmares? Yes, yes I have." Merlin stated truthfully.

"W-when?" Arthur asked, his hands clenched tightly in Merlin's jacket.

"A few years ago. I was at a hotel, the night before a race in Italy. I was just about ready to take my sleeping pills and I had poured too many. Too many. I thought about taking them all. Swallowing each and everyone of those pills so I could feel better. Find a place that didn't make me hurt so much. Gwaine stopped me. I'm glad he did. I really am." Merlin told Arthur softly, turning at last to look at Arthur. He looked tired. He looked like that a lot lately, alive but tired. Happy but almost sluggish. Arthur had done that to him, in a sense. Or at least that's what Arthur thought.

"It was all my fault. I lied and it was eating at me. Eating at me to the point that I wanted nothing more than to slip away. I got the tattoo on my back to remind myself to never forget about how far I had slipped and how close I came to losing it all. A reminder to never go that far again." Merlin stated, swinging his leg back over the ledge and hopping off it. Arthur could finally breathe.

"The one on your side?" Arthur asked. Merlin gave a half smile.

" 'My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations'." Merlin told him softly. Arthur grinned.

"Took you longer to get up here than I thought it would." Merlin said, wrapping his arms around himself as a breeze blew by, goosebumps breaking out across his skin. That snapped Arthur back to a sense of reality.

"How did you know I would come up here?" He asked, standing between Merlin and warmth.

"I saw you walk inside." Merlin said simply and Arthur grinned. He moved forward, hand outstretched, jacket resting limply inside it. Merlin cocked his head in question.  
"You left it at the bar." Red flooded Merlin's cheeks with understanding.

"Y-you were there?" He stuttered, slipping the jacket on, wincing slightly as his side protested at the large movement. It was still sore.

"Yeah. Guy was a douche. Didn't want to take no for an answer." Arthur supplied and Merlin's eyes widened.

"What else did you hear?" He asked suddenly and Arthur grinned, taking another step towards Merlin. Another step. Another step. He was in front of Merlin now.

"I heard you say my name when he asked who the man you were attached to was." Arthur whispered, a smirk on his face. The blood drained from Merlin's face. It was almost adorable in Arthur's eyes.

"A-and?" He asked, voice quivering.

"I approached him after you hurried out. He got worried when I told him my name. Didn't like seeing the guy you were attached to in the flesh." Merlin gaped.

"D-do you mean?" He asked. Arthur nodded slightly.

"But, we have to talk first. There are too many unsaid things between us." He settled, reaching out and grasping Merlin's hand in his. Merlin nodded. There was too much left unsaid between them. Too much that needed to be said. Too much that needed to be heard. Too much that did too much damage.

"Okay." Merlin replied, lacing his fingers with Arthur's. "But I ask that we do this in a place that is a little more warm. I'm a tad bit cold." Arthur laughed and led Merlin back down to his own apartment. He loved the feel of Merlin's calloused hand in his. It felt right. Something finally felt right.

~

Merlin shrugged out of his jacket, hanging it up as he went to make a pot of coffee. It was going to be a long night. Arthur followed after him, kicking his shoes off and tossing his jacket on the back of a chair. The irony was not lost on either of them. Arthur was being rather lazy while Merlin organized. It was a sight to see.  
"Coffee?" Merlin asked, flinching as his bare feet hit the cold tile.

"Please." Arthur replied as he took a seat at the island. Merlin took a deep breath and looked at him, heart beating much faster than it had been a minute ago.

"I-" Merlin cut Arthur off.

"I'm sorry." He started and Arthur promptly closed his mouth. "I'm sorry for lying. I'm sorry for thinking I couldn't tell you. I didn't want you to worry but it was pretty cowardly. I thought I was doing it for you, and everyone else, but I was really doing it for me. I wanted to prove that I was driving because I wanted to. Because it was what I was meant to do. Because there was nothing else I could do. That I was on a track not because of who my father was, but because I had earned my place amongst the other racers. That's what I wanted, so that's what I did. And it was so cowardly, so self-centered. So lonely." Merlin added. Arthur was shocked. He had expected Merlin to need some coaxing.

"I wish that I could have done that without having to hurt you and everyone else." Merlin whispered, turning away to focus on the coffee. His voice was heavy with tears and while he tired to hide it, Arthur had noticed. Arthur moved from his seat to behind Merlin. He wrapped his arms around Merlin's bare torso, leaning his forehead against Merlin's shoulder.

"I know." Arthur whispered.

"I wish I hadn't done that in that way. I wish that most of all I hadn't chosen to push you away. Any of you guys, but you in particular." Merlin whispered, voice thick.

"I know." Arthur repeated. "I didn't do the best in the situation either. I was worried about you driving at first. You were so traumatized when Balinor died and it seemed to strip you of what you loved about racing so much. And I was selfish. I-I-I didn't want to lose you like that either. It would have hurt to much. This hurt so much." Arthur whispered, feeling the sobs that had begun within Merlin.

"I should have said something. I knew something was wrong with his car." Merlin started and Arthur shook his head angrily.

"You couldn't have done anything Merlin. Not about that. But you could have told me. Told me anything." Arthur whispered, voice breaking.

"I know. I know. I should have. I really should have." Merlin broke away from Arthur, all but falling onto the couch.

"I thought you were so close but you were so far away. I didn't know. You gave me hints though. I could have connected the dots. You were always at the races as Emrys. You weren't in the stands during this last circuit. You freaked out on Balinor's track. You stopped Morgause." Arthur said and Merlin was sobbing louder.

"I p-pushed you away right after high school. I just disappeared. Just gone. I thought I had worked it out." Merlin whispered, fingers snaking into his hair. Arthur didn't say anything. The coffee dinged and Arthur went about making the two of them coffee. Cream and sugar for them both. He sat beside Merlin, nudging him with his knee and passing him coffee. Merlin took a drink without asking and choked on the coffee. Arthur freaked slightly.

"Are you okay? Oh god, did I do something?" He asked and Merlin gave a strained smile.

"Cream and sugar." Arthur looked at him weird.

"I drink it black." Merlin said and Arthur's face fell.

"You-you used to-" Merlin gave a small chuckle.

"That changed when I ran out of sugar and cream while on a trip and I could never go back." Merlin explained and Arthur looked down.

"You've changed so much. You're still you, but you're different. So different and I never knew." Arthur whispered. Merlin wrapped his fingers around Arthur's chin and pulled his head up to look him in the eyes.

"I did. And I cannot tell you how sorry I am for hiding that as well." Merlin said. Arthur looked back down, noticing another black mark on Merlin's hip.

"Another one?" He asked without thinking about it. Merlin laughing. Arthur loved hearing him laugh.

"Last one. I have no more hidden after this one." Merlin promised. It was a simple black feather and Arthur smiled at the simplicity. Features held importance in many religions and Merlin must have felt it important otherwise it wouldn't be on his body.

"I love you." Arthur blurted as his fingers trailed the feather. Merlin stiffened immediately and Arthur didn't know why until he realized just what he had said.

"I-I-" Merlin shushed him.

"I love you too. Always have." Merlin admitted. Arthur grinned. Relieved. The nervousness was gone now.

"I'm glad."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I stole the tattoo quote from 'The Fault in Our Stars' by John Green.


	13. The Learning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a kinda late update, I got distracted with pet sitting, the upcoming school year, and well, just doing stuff. Anyway, here's the next chapter. Hope you all like.

Arthur learned a lot about Merlin real quick. He had stayed at Merlin's apartment for the next week, leaving only to grab clean clothes and to go to work. One, Merlin only drank coffee black. Two, he preferred to sleep without a shirt on. Three, he liked long showers. Four, he couldn't watch TV for more than half an hour before falling asleep. Five, Merlin hated mornings. Six, Merlin hated being in the passenger side. Seven. He didn't like to cook at all (only doing so when it was absolutely necessary or he got sick of ramen and ordering in). Eight, he forgot to brush his teeth some days (most days). Nine, Merlin was possessive (not entirely that bad). Ten, while extremely stubborn, a simple puppy dog eyes would push him over (not bad either). Merlin was only a pushover when it came to Arthur though.

Merlin learned a lot about Arthur that same week too. One, Arthur was a snuggler. Two, he liked, pushing loved, home-cooked meals. Three, he liked to watch TV every night before bed (some show or something). Four, he didn't read a whole lot. Five, Arthur had a terrible sweet tooth. Six, he hated being in the passenger side. Seven, he liked to go for morning runs. Eight, he was rather possessive (not entirely that bad). Nine, he preferred to wear only boxers to bed. Ten, Arthur doesn't liked his apartment. That last fact made Merlin curious and they did say curiosity killed the cat. Maybe satisfaction would bring him back.

~

“Arthur?” Merlin asked as he slipped his shirt off before climbing into bed.

“Hm?” Was the reply he got from the drowsy Arthur.

“Why do you always come here? Meaning why don't we ever stay at your place?” He asked, curling up in the bed and successfully monopolizing the blankets. Arthur gave a hiss at the cold and shoved his way under the blankets, pulling Merlin close.

“Just cause.” He stated while letting out a large yawn. Merlin frowned but knew he wasn't going to get anywhere else with the topic at that moment, so he closed his eyes and laid his head against Arthur's shoulder.

~

The next morning found the two in yet another common predicament they had the pleasure of encountering a handful of times they had slept in the same bed together: not enough room. Merlin had a decent sized bed, he really did, two human beings and maybe a small dog could sleep comfortably on his bed. For some reason, it just didn't seem big enough for the two racers and they got into problems. Merlin always slept on the right and Arthur the left and they ended up either pushing the other off at some point throughout the night or one would be sprawled out on top of the other in some fashion that left the other extremely uncomfortable. 

“Dammit Arthur, move over.” Merlin growled as he attempted to push Arthur away and free his legs. Arthur just kinda mumbled and tightened his grip on Merlin. 

“For God's sake, I have to pee. Get off.” He managed to shove Arthur off, but with more force than he had originally anticipated. Arthur was now wide awake, angry, and on the floor.   
“What the hell?” He asked standing up and glaring at Merlin. 

“I have to pee and I was stuck under you.” Merlin explained as he pulled himself off the bed and made his way to the bathroom, untying his pajama pants along the way. Arthur was a tad bit angry, more annoyed than anything. This was a common occurrence now. It wasn't before, but before Merlin had curled up in a ball and stayed that way or had attached himself to Arthur in the night and stayed that way. Now, he sprawled out in the bed after taking more of the blankets than he really needed and that interfered with Arthur and his sprawling. Of course though, Merlin had nightmares before, he didn't now. 

“This isn't going to work.” Merlin started as he exited the bathroom. “I'm sick of being trapped under you in the mornings or on the floor. I know you are too. So new solution.” He prompted and after Arthur got his heart to slow back down he only came up with one solution and he wasn't very fond of it. 

“I have a bigger bed at my apartment.” He admitted, slowly.

“Then we sleep there tonight.” Merlin said and there was no room for argument in his voice. Arthur just wanted to go back to sleep and forget this happened. He wasn't fond of his apartment. It wasn't warm or a home. It was cold, empty, and Arthur didn't like it. It also held more memories of Arthur drinking away sorrows and one night stands than he'd like to admit or even remember. Merlin's place wasn't like that. Merlin's place was warm and a home and it just had that touch of comfort, that touch that somebody did in fact live there, not just stay there when he had to. 

“Fine.” Arthur snapped before crawling back into the bed when he saw that it wasn't even four in the morning yet. Merlin yawned and followed his lead, this time sharing the blankets. They had the similar issued when they woke back up a few hours later.

~

Arthur ran a hand through his hair and he walked back into the apartment, sighing heavily. He gave a small chuckle as he saw Merlin sprawled out on the couch. Arthur leaned over the back of it and shook his head as he gazed down in a matter that was as close to lovingly as a person got. He pressed a finger sharply into Merlin's stomach causing the man to jolt awake.

“Do you always sleep?” Arthur asked with a slight smile. Merlin just groaned at him, batting his hand away. “Merlin, it's nine.”

“So?” Merlin asked, peeking an eye open.

“It's nine. Get up lazy.” Arthur said, poking him again, with a slight smile. 

“Stop it.” Merlin whined, attempting the bat away his boyfriend's hand yet again.

“Do you just sleep all the time??” Arthur asked. Merlin groaned in defeat and sat up, hair disheveled.

“I like sleeping. Sleeping is nice.” Merlin said, looking over at Arthur. He didn't have to say that sleeping was nice because he didn't have nightmares anymore, Arthur understood.

“Don't you have work today though?” Arthur asked. Merlin shook his head.

“Kilgarrah's got everything under control so I get to stay here and sleep until later. And well, I really like sleeping so training can wait for another day. A day when I'm less lazy.” Merlin said and Arthur shook his head, reaching down and poking Merlin again as the man tried to get comfortable again

“Stop it.” Merlin repeated, glaring up at Arthur. The blonde only grinned and Merlin sat back up, huffing. 

“Aren't you supposed to be going to work?” He asked. “A meeting or something?” It was Arthur's turn to groan.

“Yeah, I have a meeting with sponsors.” Merlin gave a small smile and pressed his lips to Arthur's cheek.

“Don't kill anyone and I'll see you tonight at the charity dance.” Merlin told him and Arthur groaned again.

“Do we have to go?” He asked, pouting slightly. Merlin grinned at the 'we' and not the 'I'. 

“Yes. I'm hosting it so I can't exactly not show up. Plus it's for a good cause. It's just dancing for a few hours.” Merlin stated, quite amused with Arthur's actions.

“I'd rather spend a few hours in bed with you.” Arthur told him, resting his head against Merlin's shoulder. Merlin had to regain his resolve.

“After. It's for a good cause and it's good publicity.” His voice was slightly strained but he refused to give in. “Now go or you'll be late and Uther will call and I would like to get a few more hours of sleep in.” Arthur sighed but relented. 

“I'll see you tonight then.” He muttered, receiving another kiss to the cheek and a chaste kiss on the lips, before he went to take a shower and Merlin curled up for some more sleep. Taking one last glance at a curled up and asleep Merlin on the couch, Arthur decided he really hated meetings with sponsors. 

~

Merlin climbed out of his car rather fluidly, tossing the keys to the valet. 

“Be good to my car.” He warned, getting a vigorous head nod and a quite frightened look. He wasn't all that bothered, he loved his car. Merlin smoothed down his suit jacket, taking a deep breath before heading inside. He didn't make the far before someone grabbed onto his shoulder and pulled him from the hallway.

“Really Arthur, alcoves now?” Merlin asked as he came face to face with a smirking Arthur. 

“Yes. A few moments with you here, away from prying eyes, and I can get through this charity dance.” Merlin shook his head but smiled.

“It won't be the end of the world.” Merlin told him.

“It could be.” Arthur muttered before stopping Merlin from saying anymore with a kiss. Merlin rolled his eyes but returned it. A few kisses later, Merlin held Arthur at arm's length. 

“Now come one. We have to actually be there.” Merlin stated before leaving the alcove with a considerable amount of strength. A pouting Arthur followed behind him.

“Who's all going to be here?” Arthur asked, straightening his jacket as Merlin did the same. Hair came next. 

“All the racers. Your dad, my mom, Kilgarrah, Leon, and Gwaine because they're required to. And the other crew chiefs. I don't know if any other of our friends will be here. Not to mention the dozens of men and women with their pockets lined enough to actually donate to this.” Merlin told Arthur as they entered the over sized ballroom. For one who didn't like to be the center of attention, Merlin sure did demand it a lot. Everyone turned to look at him and Arthur as they walked in.

“Take your seat.” Merlin ordered, pointing to an empty chair. They were the last ones to enter. Gwaine was grinning and Merlin refrained from rolling his eyes. Kilgarrah was currently at the microphone and announced Merlin's arrival. Taking a deep breath, Merlin grabbed the mic and plastering on a believable smile only Arthur, Gwaine, and Kilgarrah saw through. 

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen. It's my pleasure to see you all here in Portland tonight. As the invitations have all stated, we are here tonight to raise money for cancer research, mainly in children and young adults all throughout Oregon. A very good cause.” He paused as people began clapping and forced himself to take about deep breath. He met Arthur's eyes and felt himself relax a tad bit.

“Now, some of you might be wondering just how we are going to raise the money and it's pretty simple: dancing. Each racer here has a donation jar or bowl set out in front of them and you, lovely patrons, will place your donations in their jays or bowls and you get a dance. Each drop off is one dance. Now, it doesn't matter if the donor is a man and you are a man or if the donor is a woman and you are a woman. This is for a good cause. Now dancing can vary between the various ballroom dances or swaying around in a circle like people at high school dances do. And with that, let the dancing and donating, begin.” 

Merlin announced and he had never seen so many people in his life practically jumped from theirs seats to get to the racers. Merlin turned the mic off and passed it to his godfather. He was surprised to find his already had a dance lined up. And a few more after that. Maybe Arthur was right, this might be a long night.

~

For someone who was rather clumsy, Merlin was a graceful dancer. And it seemed like everyone wanted to dance with the tall, raven-haired, man. It was enough to set Arthur on edge. He had seen Merlin dancing with short women, tall women, short men, and tall men, and so many other variations. Merlin just smiled politely at whoever he was dancing with before moving on to the next person. He was the most popular racer out there and Arthur got sick of watching the handsy men and women grab at Merlin.

“Leon! Take this and hold me a place in Merlin's dance line.” Arthur ordered, throwing a hundred dollar bill at his brother-in-law. Leon frowned but did as he was told.   
Gwaine just chuckled. They were barely halfway through the night and already Arthur was getting fed up with the people. It was amusing. Very amusing.

~  
Merlin walked back to his table, steps faltering when he saw Arthur leaning up against his table. 

“Arthur?” He asked warily. Arthur just grinned and tossed in his money, pulling Merlin back out onto the dance floor. 

“I wanted a dance.” Arthur stated, resting his hands on Merlin's waist. Merlin glared at him before he grudgingly placed his arms around Arthur's neck, hands clasped together. They stood close to each other, cheek pressing against cheek.

“I'm getting sick of watching men and women pressing up against you.” Arthur whispered, breath ghosting over Merlin's ear causing him to shiver. 

“I have gotten a few unwanted advances. By both men and women.” Merlin admitted. 

“I bet. Everyone wants to dance with you. Making me right green over there.” Arthur told Merlin as they swayed softly to the music. 

“Is that so?” Merlin asked. Arthur chuckled softly and Merlin shivered again. 

“Oh yes. I don't like sharing. And yet I'm forced to.” He released a sigh and Merlin leaned into Arthur involuntarily. Arthur smirked and the song ended; he pulled away rather abruptly, pulling Merlin back into reality. Merlin's eyes flashed murderously at Arthur as the blonde gave him an innocent smile before heading back to his own table. Gwaine chuckled again, earning himself a glare as well. Merlin took his next dance.

“That was a rather personal dance there. Steamy too.” The dark haired woman in his arms remarked.

“Yeah. Arthur is good at making things like that.” Merlin replied, eyes sliding back to the blonde who was smiling easily at the woman he himself was dancing with.

“I don't think he could do that for me.” She stated and Merlin cocked an eyebrow in question.

“I don't do blondes.” She stated simply. Merlin caught her drift and spun her, thinking 'I do.'. 

~

Throughout the rest of the dance Merlin kept looking back at Arthur. It was almost odd that he wasn't even his dance partner and yet Merlin's entire mind was focused on the blonde. But he had thrown a low blow. 

“You look like you're going to kill him.” A voice sounded at his shoulder and Merlin jumped just a little, splashing part of the water he was drinking on himself. 

“Morgana. You surprised me.” She just chuckled. 

“I can see that. You owe me a dance.” She told him, tossing money into his over filled jar in the same manner Arthur had. Merlin smiled and led her onto the dance floor.

“So, do you want to explain to me why you look like you want to chop my dear brother's head off?” She asked, raising an eyebrow. Merlin gave her a small smile.

“I don't want to chop off his head. He's just been annoying.” Merlin replied, refusing to answer any more of her questions. He spun her gracefully before dipping her, eyes meeting Arthur's before he pulled Morgana back up. She kept quiet after that, catching that the two had locked eyes over her. 

~

“Merlin.” He smiled down at his mother. 

“Hi Mom.” She held her hand out and Merlin clasped it with familiarity. He had never told anyone but Merlin had learned how to dance from his mother. It was something they had done after Balinor died. Something that was just theirs. 

“It's so good to see you smiling again, sweetheart. I'm glad you've made up with Arthur too.” She said, letting Merlin guide her across the floor. Merlin smiled.   
“I danced with him earlier.” She admitted and Merlin smiled again.

“Did see say anything interesting?” He asked, his and Arthur's eyes connecting again over Hunith's head. 

“Not really. Just that the two of you were talking again.” she sounded confused. They didn't say anything else for the dance and that was okay with Merlin. His mind was far to occupied. 

~

“Last dance people.” A voice called and Merlin found himself dancing with Freya.

“Freya. I didn't know you'd be here.” Merlin said, smiling brightly at her.

“Will wanted to come and dragged me along. The least I could get was a dance with you.” She said and Merlin grinned. He caught a frown from Arthur as they passed each other.

“Do you think you can do me a favor?” Merlin asked and Freya nodded. 

“Anything for a friend of Will's.” Merlin grinned. He moved his lips close to her ear and whispered quietly, a smile on both of their faces. 

~

Arthur scowled in Merlin's direction. That girl was practically draping herself all over him and the man was smiling. Smiling! They were talking quietly and Merlin refused to looking in Arthur's direction. Arthur watched as he dipped the girl effortlessly, holding her closer than necessary once she was back up on her feet. The dance was finally, finally, over and Merlin finally looked over at Arthur. So Arthur did what anyone in this type of flirting and scowling situation did, he pressed a kiss to the cheek of the woman he was dancing with and thanked her for her time. 

It was Merlin's turn to scowl and Arthur went back to his seat. Merlin said his own thanks to that girl before he started towards Arthur.   
~

Merlin practically stormed towards Arthur and Leon frowned, thinking that nothing good was going to come out of this. So he decided to create a barrier between to two and shoved the tables together to block Merlin's path.

~

Merlin was not normally a man to act without thinking but all thoughts he had, had gone out the window as soon as Arthur had danced with him, had kissed whoever that woman was. He saw the tables get pushed together by some outside force and not caring, he practically vaulted over them, eyes blazing as he moved closer to Arthur. 

“You fucking tease.” He almost snarled, grabbing Arthur by his lapels and hauling him up; he pressed a bruising and sloppy kiss to his lips. Arthur returned it quickly. The room fell silent but it wasn't as if the two men would've noticed anyway. They broke away and Merlin rested his forehead against Arthur's, his hands were resting on the blonde's neck, thumbs brushing across his cheeks.

“You fucking tease. I've been wanting to do that ever since that damn dance.” He muttered, breathing hard. Arthur grinned, hands on Merlin's waist. 

“That was the point.” Merlin chuckled and shook his head. 

“You were just jealous.” Merlin accused. 

“I was.” Arthur admitted. “But so were you.” The raven-haired man laughed and kissed Arthur again, softly.

“Let's get out of here.” Arthur whispered as he began to pull Merlin away.

“I've got-” Kilgarrah cut Merlin off and brought the two back down to reality. Everyone was staring at them, some mouths still hung open. 

“I have this under control. You go. Men don't jump over a table like that for a kiss.” He said and Merlin blushed bright red but nodded. Arthur led him out of the ballroom, ignoring the calls from fans and friends and family. They hurried into the first car, Merlin catching Arthur's keys after yelling for the valet to throw them. He passed them to Arthur. 

“Your place.” He said in a hurried manner, slipping into the front seat without a fight. Arthur grinned. They'd get Merlin's car later. 

~

“Shut your phone off.” Merlin demanded as he closed the front door behind them. Their phones had ceased to stop ringing. Arthur nodded and shit it off, tossing it aside. Merlin followed suit. Everyone wanted details and stories. Well, everyone except Gwaine but only because he had caught the two of them cuddling on Merlin's couch in his office.

“They will want to know.” Arthur whispered against Merlin's lips. 

“Tomorrow. Later. Not now.” He muttered closing the bedroom door behind them. They didn't have issues with bed hogging that night. 

~

The two decided to spend the following day in bed. They had nothing to do and decided to spend it in each others company, ordering in lunch once they were hungry. The Chinease delivery guy did his best to ignore the bruises on either man's hips as they answered the door, both men in sleep pants. Arthur grinned at the man's discomfort and Merlin rolled his eyes. The man stuttered a request for an autograph as he got a good look at who Merlin was. Merlin grinned and Arthur rolled his eyes as Merlin signed a sloppy 'Emrys' on the man's arm before they hid back inside the apartment.

Later that night they curled up in bed, whispering 'I love yous' before falling asleep in comfort. It wasn't that the bed that made the difference, a size larger didn't make a difference. Merlin was on the left of the bed and Arthur was on the right. And that way, they fit perfectly. That was all it was about, finding the fit. Arthur didn't have a problem with his apartment after that either.


End file.
